Sibling Rivalry into Adulthood

[Milligan]

What does a parent do when 21 and 23 year old "men" (living at home--going to school etc.) still resent and have anger toward each other and perceived parental favouritism? I knew second son still had rage against his older brother about childhood issues and unfair treatment that he 'got away with' due to our not dealing with it at the time and therefore our 'bad parenting'.

I thought these type of things mellowed with age and personality differences between children just became accepted. Obviously not. How can we help now?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As sad as it is for any parent to contemplate, sometimes siblings just don't like each other, let alone love each other. If that's the case, there's not a lot you can do.

However, you can of course still continue to love both of them and demonstrate that in your interactions with them both. In other words, don't allow the tension between your sons inhibit the free expression of your love and affection for both of them.

That may even one day help them to see that they don't need to be jealous of one another.

 

[Shaymus]

IMO it could just be that they are both at home still. I didnt get along with my sister until she left. Now our relationship is great. Back when we were both in the same house tho it was a constant fight and irritation.

 

[Milligan]

Sorry it's taken me a hundred years to respond to you both, let me say THANK YOU! for answering and giving me some insight....They are mellowing as time goes by, but there is still a wee bit of rage. Currently the elder brother is in the Middle East in combat with the taliban(ack!!) so hopefully, WHEN he returns, all will be well and they both will move out to their own spaces!!
Thanks again!

 

[ThatLady]

Good to see you back, Milligan. My thoughts will be with your family. Having a son in the Middle East these days isn't an easy thing to deal with. :hug:

I think the problems between your boys will work themselves out over time. The boys are still pretty young. They need time to find out who they are and where they fit in the world. Once they've got that work done, they usually manage to pull together all the loose ends and make their lives more cohesive.

My brother and I are very different. We'll probably never like each other, but we can get along, and we do. Thankfully, he lives across the country - that makes it a lot easier.