Slipping back into SI pattern

[kelsischanging]

Wow, I can't believe I'm here again....I have SIed for the past five years but for the past 10 months, I have been doing really really well. But now here I am and am thinking about SI all the time. I know why too. I just started a new semester of college. I only have 3 semesters left until I get my bachelors degree but I don't know if I can make it.

This will be my 8th semester in a row as I have taken at least 12 credits(a full course load) the past two summers. In the past two summers I have only had a total of three weeks off from school. This semester I'm facing 19 credits which i had to get special permission to take because the maximum is 18 credits. I can't take time off because my mom pays for my education (which I am grateful for) and I live at home (again I'm grateful) but that will all end if I take off a semester...

I have been trying health coping mechanisms but they are not helping...tonight I even went so far as to try and talk to my mom about it but all she said is you don't have much longer and just hang in there and then she walked out even though I was crying. I have been obsessing about SI which is always the start for me... I'm writing this because I need advice, support whatever you can give me. What do I do when healthy coping mechanisms aren't working and I'm at my wits end. Thank-you for reading this!

 

[Fiver]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

Whoa! Talk about the pressure! I could barely handle 12 credit hours and a part time job before I melted down.

Sounds to me like your mom just isn't grasping the pressure. If she's never been there, she doesn't know. If it's been a long time, then like childbirth, she has forgotten the pain.

You're thinking about SI which means you know the signs of relapse. Do you have a counselor or someone who knows your history you can take this to? My advice such as it is, would be to tell you mom, "Sorry, but it's twelve credits this semester (or however many you can realistically maintain without SI or melting down) and that's just the way it needs to be."

Easy for me to say. Nobody pays for my education but the bank (and they are just as unforgiving, just in a less personal way.) You need to take the bull by the horns and do what you need to do for YOU. This sucks when it has to happen with a parent, which is why I'm hoping you have a mental health advocate on your side.

Take it, kel, take it by the horns right now. Find some backup because this is hard. But you can't keep this schedule without a meltdown. What you are expecting is humanly improbable.

You don't have to be superhuman. It's okay.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

This semester I'm facing 19 credits which i had to get special permission to take because the maximum is 18 credits

When does the Add/Drop period end when you can drop courses without any financial penalty? If you still have time, then I suggest you drop some credits.

Even if you are just super smart and the courses are easy, what is the rush? In this economy, people are, if anything, delaying graduation, e.g. some graduate students at Columbia University started to delay graduation this Spring because no one would hire them. And it's easier sometimes to get internships if you are still in school.

 

[ladylore]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

I agree with Fiver. Set up an appointment with one of your school counsellors just so you can let go of some steam.

The exercise/resource area on the forum may have some good ideas too.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

I can't take time off because my mom pays for my education (which I am grateful for) and I live at home (again I'm grateful) but that will all end if I take off a semester...

But it's not your mom's requirement for you to take 19 credits, is it?

When I was staying at home, my mom told me I would have to go to work or continue with college, but that's very different from saying I had to go to school more than full-time.

In any case, an all-or-nothing approach is what burned me out in college....again and again.

Some universities charge the same for 19 credits as they do for 12+ credits, so I guess that may be a factor.

 

[kelsischanging]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

Ok so I took all of the advice given in to consideration and I came up with this solution. I dropped one of my classes that I realized I don't need which brings me down to 16 credits which I consider managable. I met with my therapist today and talked through some things, and although I still feel the urge to SI, I know feel like I might be able to get through this semester without completely loosing it. I know that I will have to be vigalent throughout the semester but I will be careful to do that! Thanks to all who responded!

 

[Fiver]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

I'm glad to hear you've taken some positive action, Kel. Good for you! Will you be continuing contact with your therapist? I ask because there's something you've written which is rather troubling:

although I still feel the urge to SI, I know feel like I might be able to get through this semester without completely loosing it.

There's a lot of uncertainty in that statement, and that's okay -- but if you "feel like [you] might be able to get through this semester without completely loosing it" then I'm hoping you'll have regular contact with someone who can help you keep reality in check, and can help you with your vigilance. You don't sound confident, even with your reduced schedule, and the SI impulses are still there.

Setting up some safety nets now might be a good thing to think about. I wish you all the best, Kel, and hope you'll keep us informed here, or at least use us as an outlet when the steam starts to push the pressure too high.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

Yes, good to hear that you dropped a course and saw your therapist.

Regarding Fiver's point, are you planning on the seeing the therapist regularly throughout the semester?

 

[kelsischanging]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

I am planning on seeing my therapist about once a month but if things get bad, I can increase that. I'm just going to take it a day at a time right now.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Afraid of slipping back to SI pattern

I am glad to see you have dropped the one subject as it will give you some down time perhaps and that you will be staying in contact with your therapist. All you can do is take one day at a time that way you will not be overwhelmed. Good for you for taking all this positive action to help you :2thumbs: Take care

 

[kelsischanging]

Messed up big time

So if you look at the post almost directly under this one you will see that about a week or so ago I was worried about possibly slipping back into an SI pattern, but after taking the advice of some members here and talking with my therapist I felt a little more confident that I would not SI.

Well now it is almost 2 weeks later and I messed up. I have started the process of falling back into a pattern of SI and I'm scared. I'm scared of what this means and what the steps that will follow. All my old thoughts, feelings, and patterns have returned. The part that scares me the most is what it has done for my self-esteem. For the first time in my, well, life really I had started to gain some self-esteem. I have been loosing weight (which I really needed too) and I up until recently I have not self injured in almost 10 months. Now I feel like I have lost the self esteem I have fought so hard for. Part of me feels like now that I am not emotionally eating, I have turned to SI again because I do not know how to get rid of my emotions in a health way. I have tried for so long to develop health coping mechanisms but they just don't seem to work for me.

This sounds weird I know but I almost feel like an addict that was staying sober for like 10 months and then relapsed. I don't know. I'm 22 years old now and I have been a self injurer for five years now and I just don't want to deal with this life anymore. Thank-you for reading!!

 

[Into The Light]

Re: Messed up big time

try to see this as a slip. you can always start over. i haven't personally self injured but certainly the loss of self-esteem is something i can relate to. the fact that you have slipped doesn't mean all your hard work was for nothing. it doesn't erase the fact that you pulled it off for 10 months. that is huge. you did it for 10 months and nothing can take that away. it also means you know for a fact you are capable of not self-harming for 10 months straight. maybe the next time around it'll be 15 months and a slip. then 22 and a slip. you still have something to be really, really proud of. you may be relapsing right now but you are catching it. you did bring it up with your therapist, you can keep working on this with them.