Small Things Add Up

[Shaymus]

Im curious about other peoples experiences with telling their therapist that some of the things they do annoys the client. None of them are very big at all. Just all the small things together frustrate me.

For instance i changed therapists and told her that i left the last one because their assistant told me i needed a "kick in the pants". Before i left the appointment she used that exact same phrase....

Then i told her at one appointment that i tend to frustrate most people sooner or later. She audibly sighed when i was arguing with her in that very appointment when she hasnt done this before or since....

Last appointment she informed me she didnt like it that i had to argue every point with her and that she didnt like it that she would get into the argument with me sometimes as well. Now seriously, if i happen to disagree with someone, regardless of their education, i want to be convinced that they are correct. I can just numbly nod my head and pretend to agree with everything but that will do nothing for me unless i believe.

I dont want to can her as i am finally making real progress. Not huge leaps or anything but i actually have accomplished real things. However i am getting very frustrated with feelings like she doesnt want me as a client anymore but is to nice to say so. I dont want to be seeing someone who secretly hates my guts yanno?

Anyway i am considering bringing these things up to clear my worries but at the same time i dont want her to say "yes, you are much to annoying to me, sorry. I will make you an appointment with my colleague" or something to that effect.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have had clients address things I do or say that bothers them. I find it helpful most of the time -- either the feedback helps me to change something I may be doing that is irritating or it helps me to address an important issue with that client.

I would definitely recommend that you raise this with your therapist...

 

[Shaymus]

Heh, life is funny. So i told her some of those things and she helped me see i was distorting her meaning in them. I think thats a good thing.

Then tho! Dang then she really made me angry. I wasnt angry in the session really as im pretty much zombie mode absorbing her information. But about an hour afterwards as i was letting her words sink in and thinking about them. She asked me what my gf thinks about me not working and being depressed. I told my therapist that my gf told me "even if this is as good as it gets, then i still love you and want to be with you". This really irritated her. Her follow up questions made it sound like she thought my gf was enabling me. I of course argued this as its very important to me for one person, just one!, in all this world be on my side. My gf doesnt enable me, she supports me.

Then later on she informed me that she thought our therapy was stalled. Now all i hear on support forums is baby steps are important, dont get frustrated with taking huge leaps. So in the last month ive done a lot more household chores and what not around the house. One of the goals of my therapy is to become more productive. To me this is me being more productive! Sure im not at the top goals of going to college or getting a job but to me this is a start. Slowly gaining confidence that i really dont mess up every single thing i try. Saying it is stalled totally dismisses my accomplishments, no matter how small they appear to be to her, and that really upsets me. In the past ive only done things as a "one time thing". Now im responsible for some things.

The hard part to all of this is im very angry and upset that she said those things. I want to take the easy road and call her secretary and cancel my appointments and quit. Thats what i did with my last therapist tho and it made me feel gutless. I dont want that. So my next appointment i want to calmly tell her what she said and how it upset me. If things work out badly then i can quit face to face. If things work out well then i can continue.

Now sixteen thousand words later i get to my question. How do i keep my cool? Ive always been one to avoid having angry discussions if possible as i tend to get really angry and then ill lash out verbally. I dont want to do that. I want her to know exactly why she upset me and then i can quit or not depending. I dont wanna freak out tho.

 

[ThatLady]

Perhaps you could simply tell her how what she said made you feel. You might also want to ask her what, exactly, she meant when she said she thought your therapy was "stalled". As you said in your first paragraph, you've misinterpreted her meaning before. This may be another case of that. She may mean something very different than you assume. For instance, she may feel that a plateau has been reached in therapy and a new approach, or a new focus, might be needed to encourage further growth. What she said isn't necessarily bad, nor does it necessarily indicate that the therapy has reached an impasse. The only way you can know is to ask. )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One of the valuable things about therapy is that you get a chance to identify and work on your triggers and your reactions to them.

It seems to be you have a perfect opportunity here to address a lot of issues that the therapist's comments have triggered for you.

It also seems to me that, assuming the therapist is capable, this is the wrong time to change therapists -- you need to deal with the issues there, with the therapist, explore what the triggers were and why you reacted as you have.

It may be that inhibiting these reactions is what's given your therapist the feeling that therapy is stalled...

 

[Shaymus]

Thanks Lady and David for the responses. I will try your way and try to look at it as a learning experience instead of a wrong done to me. I dunno if i will succeed or not but im gonna try. Unfortunately i dont have an appointment til the 13th this time so ill have almost 2 weeks to stew on it. Fortunately by then tho i might have calmed down enough to discuss it without feeling like i have to have a strangle hold on the raw emotions. Thanks again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

From some changes in your forum responses alone over these months, Shaymus, I get the impression that you are making progress. I hope you can hold on to that when it feels like the going is getting tough.

 

[AL]

Hi Shaymus,

I am dysthymic too.

I have read most of your posting till the date, I find my case very much going on the parallel lines that of yours. While reading it seems like it's all I had got to say sometime, you have already put very well, thanks!! Communication between you and forum guides shall be very useful to me. Yours is quite good progress by slowly showing openness and comprehending what the therapist has actually got to say. Keep it up and all the best.

"No gain without pain" & "Slow and steady wins the race" - suffice to say, isn't it?

 

[ThatLady]

I hear ya, Shaymus! Isn't it frustrating when you have something to say but have to wait for an appointment time in order to say it? D

What you could do, instead of stewing over it, is take a bit of time here and there to try to sort out what the real questions are. Think through it and see if you can figure out what triggered your irritation. Write down questions for yourself, and the therapist, if it helps. That will also help to keep you from forgetting what you want, and need, to say.

 

[Shaymus]

Thanks all. Hey AL, its nice to meet you as well. If anything my rambling does helps that is really fantastic. One of the most helpful things ive recieved here is i think it was David, he recommended a book called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. Im not an expert on my emotions after reading it but i definately have more insight than i did before. I can catch *some* of my distortions, which for me is always better as i am never offended by own thoughts haha.

And YES! That is frustrating when your brain is screaming with need to have any outcome but it cant happen for days or even weeks from then. You have some good suggestions there Lady, i will try to do that before then. The forgetting what i want and need to say, i think the only danger i am of that is by then ill be a LOT more calm and more apt to chicken out but alas i know me and if i dont bring it up somewhere it will eat at me and ill start disliking this therapist and shes been good for me so far.

 

[Shaymus]

Had therapy this morning and i didnt wuss out. Im very glad for that. It went over very well too. I was shocked how well it went really. We ended up spending the whole hour talking about it basically which is funny but i walked out with a great burden relieved. Sometimes her insights are dead on, right between the eyes. Like not holding this sort of stuff in and having it effect me, that i should really try to clarify right away when something someone(not just her) says and it puts me off. Oft times when someone is sensitive they read things into words that the person saying them had no intent of. Then other times she is way off! Like trying to convince me i need a 3d friend just in case something ever happened to my gf. That humans need humans. Haha i dont need/want no 3d humans other then gf. I can understand her intentions there tho and i think they are good, i just dont think its for me really. Thats another thing we are working on. Learning to seperate the wheat from the chaff and not just throwing all the good wheat away if there seems to be some chaff.

Anyway i will quit rambling now, i just wanted to update with the good news as without the encouragement here from you all i would likely have chickened out and felt weak. Now i feel good and its partly you alls fault so thank you!

 

[ThatLady]

That's great news, Shaymus! I'm glad your appointment went well. Give yourself a pat on the back for toughing through it and putting yourself out there. I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better. )

 

[AL]

Learning to seperate the wheat from the chaff and not just throwing all the good wheat away if there seems to be some chaff.

good Shyamus, keep it up, you are very fortunate to have such a good therapist and you able to put adeqate efforts too.
all tha best