So many disorders, conditions and problems...

[Techie]

Hi everybody,

I have been looking back over the posts I have made... and I see that there are so many traumas, events, 'disorders', 'conditions' and problems that I have that it makes me feel depressed to think about it all.

There have been so many events to cause 'this disorder' or 'that condition' that my therapy does not go well at all.

I cant 'concentrate' on any one thing... everything ties in somehow. The traumas overlap... each causing their own disorders etc. that affect the next.

Going through CBT is tough because of the Anxiety Disorder... so I try to learn new relaxation techniques but then my PTSD comes in. Then I cant practice my relaxation techniques. This makes my Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms flare up... get the picture ?

It seems if I had ONE disorder then I could follow a 'plan of attack'. But its just not that simple.

Sometimes I just feel like there are too many things wrong. I get discouraged. I back away from things... I let go and give up hope.

I have not been back to see my therapist in a few months now... mainly because I am aware of the fact that we cannot get started on working on any one thing. For two years now we have started something every visit and tried to carry it on during the next visit but something 'worse' or more 'urgent' always comes up. Even when we really try to stay on track and stick to only one thing something comes up or out of my past that changes the whole meaning or context of things.

The therapist I have now is the best I have ever had. (I have seen about 20 so far). She knows me well... has put plans into place and can adapt fairly well to how each session goes but I can tell that she finds it difficult to work on CBT or relaxation techniques or ANYTHING because there are just SO many traumas and events and triggers that flood in all the time.

We start to work on something and then some other problem pops up and messes up what we are working on.

If you went through and read all my posts... that is only a TINY portion of the stuff that I have lived through... and its all been 'cleaned' up for posting ! I have lived through things and seen things that many people just cannot imagine (though I know that many others have gone through much worse). And its not just once or twice but it was every day. All the time for 20 years of my life. Even if I tried to talk about it all there is no way I possibly could.

I remember sitting in front of a team of psychiatrists (8 doctors) telling them a very truncated story and 3 of them were in tears within 20 minutes(one way crying so bad she had to leave the room)... and I remember thinking "I havent even gotten to the bad stuff yet". I only talked about the 'easy' stuff. There are things that I have never talked about.

And when I start to talk about some of this stuff... I 'turn off'. I become disconnected from myself... from my feelings. Almost become 'third person'.

You can probably tell that my mind has gone into 'overtime'. My thoughts are racing. I cant concentrate (or perhaps concentrate TOO well ??) I am feeling very down. Despite all the advice I give... I find it hard to remember for myself.

Dont know which of my 'disorders' is causing this feeling. Dont know which of my techniques I need to call into play to deal with it... but I feel low. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel I dont have much strength.

I feel like a real prisoner of my history.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am sorry that you're feeling very down. I have not been through all the things you have, but sometimes I just have to tell myself to live in the now. It is very hard to do that I know when there is so much pain to deal with. Sometimes there just aren't any good answers. Sometimes we just have to go to people who love us and let them love us through those moments.

I don't know. I wish I could think of something helpful.

 

[Daniel E.]

Minor points:

Regarding relaxation techniques, some relaxation techniques are obviously more condusive to one's personality than others. Walking meditation, such as walking while focusing on each step as it touches and leaves the ground, is a more subtle relaxation technique that I like. Probably the most important thing for me about relaxation techniques is remembering to do them regularly...not just when I feel my mood descending.

My favorite quote related to PTSD is from a James Joyce novel:
"'History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake."

 

[Eunoia]

Sorry you're feeling so down! I know what you mean though, sometimes it just seems like there is so much "wrong" and I feel like sometimes you just lose the sens of you b/c all you can see are all the "disorders". BUt I guess if you think about it, we're human, right, so it's a givent that having numerous conditions will cause them to "overlap" or blend in together or cause/ react w/ another one. I think that's the problem w/ disorders etc. that it gets difficult to distinguish what's "you" and what's the disorder and if you have multiple disorders, then which "symptom" is from what. It totally makes sense why that would be overwhelming. But try to remember that underneath all of those "labels" you're still you and getting caught up in diagnosing which symptom comes from what disorder is obviously helpful on somet terms, but it seems like getting lost in a labyrinth.
your therapist sounds like she's pretty good at managing and adapting as you said... maybe you should go back to see her, b/c even if you only work on some things here and then other things there, the point is you're working on things, right? You're able to talk to someone about this stuff. It may not seem "organized" or to follow a certain plan, but that's what therapist are there for... to guide you through therapy.

And when I start to talk about some of this stuff... I 'turn off'. I become disconnected from myself... from my feelings. Almost become 'third person'.

I totally know what you mean. It seems like someone is living this life, like all of those things couldn't have possibly happened to you. But it did and I guess that's the hard part. It's always difficult to take one's own advice. But sometimes I wonder, what would happend if you would, you know? You're obviously giving advice w/ the best of intentions and w/ the knowledge you've gained. So why not apply that to oneself? (easier than it sounds, I realize that)

The stuff that has happened in the past is part if who you are today. Noone can change that. But as crazy as it seems, you're in some ways at least determing some aspects of your future and even living right now in the moment does not mean that all those things from the past have to repeat themselves. You've been trying to get help so it's not like you're not trying to deal w/ the past. You're trying to change things, understand, cope... and hun, that's what will make you be ok one way or the other down the road. I really hope you'll feel better. I find that w/ the "bad things" it's easy to focus on that 24/7. Try focusing on something good, something you enjoy. Even if just for a little way, just to get a break. You're not just "all those disorders".

 

[exhausted]

Don't be a prisoner or your past... move on. I am sorry but I disagree with 'current politically correct' therapy that tells everyone that they have to relive and relive their terrible past!!!
Perhaps it is the reliving that is triggering these 'disorders'!

Try living in the future. When in therapy, say, "I want to talk about my future. I want to talk about future goals for myself. I want to live in the present, be alive and enjoy life."

Perhaps the reliving of the nightmare life I can only guess you have had, is causing more trouble than moving on.

Not saying it is your fault in any way... that is current psychology for you. In my opinion, sometimes I think shrinks are just entertained by peoples colored past.

If you can find a decent sedative medicine to keep you going, perhaps that is all you need. I am guessing they have put you on tons of 'experimental psychiatric medicines'. If it works for you great. But perhaps it is giving your more disorders for the psychiatric community.

I dont' know your diagnosis' AND I can't dare tell you to stop medication, but maybe you ought to speak with your therapist about living for the future AND about changing meds or reducing the amount that you might be being perscribed.

There are two psychological theory's by two different famous psychiatrists....

Freud -Who believes your past effects your future
(we have found now that some of Freud's theory's are ridiculous i/e penis envy).

Victor Frankel- Who believes your future is what you make it.

Granted, that severe abuse as a young child can absolutely effect your life, however I believe that everyone has the power to move on, learn from experiences, and make the most of themselves.

I don't have the Bible verse handy so maybe I shouldn't bring it up (I could look it up on request) but in there is a verse that says that their are tragedies in life that are so bad that they are best never spoke of by the mouth again.

This goes against all psycho therapy techniques now, however, maybe there is some truth in this after all.

IMHO,
I wish you the best,
SQ

 

[Lana]

Hi Techie;
Sometimes, talking to a therapist and opening self up to a view, is like peeling an onion. With each layer, you uncover another layer underneath. It may make your eyes burn and tear up, and it’s hard to see what comes next, and as you peel that layer off, you uncover another one, and so on. But, with each layer peeled, the onion (or problem) becomes smaller. It’s all part of the process of getting to the heart of the matter.

I know it may seem discouraging and as if there is no end in sight, but it’s there. What would happen if instead of focusing on the conditions that you suffer from and using them as a reason not to pursue therapy, you acknowledge the conditions in an “it is what it is” way, and not give in to frustration and despair that follows?

Sometimes our emotions from long ago can be like children (angry, sad, unruly) It’s just their way of saying “I’m here, I need your attention, please notice me” The trick is not to let those emotions rule you and make decisions for you, just like you wouldn’t let an unruly child drive a bus. But you need to give it its due attention. Perhaps the fuzzy line between all those conditions is just them competing for your attention. And this is where a therapist can help you put them in order and tend to them, in a caring and healthy way, and put them at ease.

While I agree that dwelling on issues is not always a good thing, in some cases, tending to past is necessary to enable us to move forward. But that again is something that a therapist can help you with and guide you to a way that works best for you. I’d make an appointment now. You don’t have to dig in right away, but you can start by sharing with your therapist what you share with us here, Techie. It would give them a valuable insight as to how you are, where you’re at, and how to proceed. Most therapists work at the pace that is best for their patient. If you feel that things move too quickly (or slowly) let your therapist know so that they can make adjustments to fit you.

My therapist, when tapping into my past, broached the subject months before I’d talk about it. I remember that a couple of sessions after I said to her “well, you wanted to discuss <issue> so I suppose we should do that”. To which she replied, “no, not yet..only when you are ready and want to, not sooner” She always reinforced that we would never talk about anything that I’m not ready to talk about. Similarly, if I ever became frantic trying to cover too many things at once, she was able to pace me, slow me down so that I could regain focus. It took months for me to get back to those issues, but eventually we did. It wasn’t easy, but I always felt safe and in control with her guiding me. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good analogy, Lana.

Dr. Carl Rogers wrote something similar years ago, quoting one of his patients describing her progress in therapy and self-awareness:

"As I look back on it now, I was peeling off layer after layer of defenses. I'd build them up, try them, and then discard them when you remained the same. I didn't know what was at the bottom and I was very much afraid to find out, but I had to keep on trying. At first I felt there was nothing within me -- just a great emptiness where I needed and wanted a solid core. Then I began to feel that I was facing a solid brick wall, too high to get over and too thick to go through. One day the wall became translucent, rather than solid. After this, the wall seemed to disappear but beyond it I discovered a dam holding back violent, churning waters. I felt as if I were holding back the force of these waters and if I opened even a tiny hole I and all about me would be destroyed in the ensuing torrent of feelings represented by the water. Finally, I could stand the strain no longer and I let go. All I did, actually, was to succumb to complete and utter self pity, then hate, then love. After this experience, I felt as if I had leaped a brink and was safely on the other side, though still tottering a bit on the edge. I don't know what I was searching for or where I was going, but I felt then as I have always felt whenever I really lived, that I was moving forward."

-- Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

 

[Sarey]

hi techie, I know how it feels to have all of those diagnostic initials after your name. I have a ton myself. Reading your story and the responses that you got helped me feel not so alonee tonight, and I apreciate that. You never know when something you write will help someone months down the line...

~Sarey

 

[Sarey]

hi techie, I know how it feels to have all of those diagnostic initials after your name. I have a ton myself. Reading your story and the responses that you got helped me feel not so alonee tonight, and I apreciate that. You never know when something you write will help someone months down the line...

~Sarey