It was screwed from the very start. I had my schedule from the night manager well in advance, and had made plans on how I'd curb my anxiety about returning on Sunday right down to the minutes of tricks and relaxation. I'd started moving my sleep from day to night hours, slowly but surely, and I was anxious but confident in the pre-planning I had done to make this successful.
The then store manager totally changed my schedule without informing me, negating the benefits that Chris, the night manager, had created with the schedule he made for me (which basically consisted of bringing me in on the less stressful nights.) I got a call Saturday night around 7PM from Chris saying, "Um, I didn't know this until just now, but Blaine changed your schedule and you're on in two hours." Thus began my first, and not last freakout.
The week hasn't been good. My therapist and I agreed on Tuesday that this was too early to go back, but the fact that I am depending on the health insurance provided by my job to pretty much ensure I'll be able to be treated for the CML that was diagnosed early this summer meant that I needed to go back now, even if I wasn't entirely ready. It might have been a mistake, but then this might truly test my mettle of what I can handle.
So far I've dealt with flashbacks that have gone unnoticed because I generally work alone, but last night I zoned out and went there, and one of the guys who was helping me catch up (I'm not up to speed on productivity just yet and without help I"ll be written up for it) couldn't get my attention by calling my name. Of course not, I wasn't in this realm of reality. It scared him, but I think he's cool enough to understand after I explained a bit about things. He wasn't there last year when I was raped. He's not one of the crew who knows many of the details of this assault.
I can't bring myself to go into the details of what has made this week miserable at work. But I can say that each day the guys seem to feel a bit less uncomfortable around me, and that's really what was bothering me the most. The treated me like a leper. I already felt like one before I ever went back; this only reinforced the negative feelings I already had about myself.
I've got the next two nights off. Once I'm calmer about the first week maybe I'll share some of what triggered me regarding the flashbacks, or maybe I'll just suck it up and plug along, hoping that things will get better.
This morning I feel beaten both physically and mentally, but perhaps just a little bit proud that I did it. And soon I'm going to bed. Oh, sweet bed, how I dreamed of you all night at work.... Watch, the lawnmowers and leaf blowers will start up as soon as I close my eyes. Ah, the midnight shift....
The then store manager totally changed my schedule without informing me, negating the benefits that Chris, the night manager, had created with the schedule he made for me (which basically consisted of bringing me in on the less stressful nights.) I got a call Saturday night around 7PM from Chris saying, "Um, I didn't know this until just now, but Blaine changed your schedule and you're on in two hours." Thus began my first, and not last freakout.
The week hasn't been good. My therapist and I agreed on Tuesday that this was too early to go back, but the fact that I am depending on the health insurance provided by my job to pretty much ensure I'll be able to be treated for the CML that was diagnosed early this summer meant that I needed to go back now, even if I wasn't entirely ready. It might have been a mistake, but then this might truly test my mettle of what I can handle.
So far I've dealt with flashbacks that have gone unnoticed because I generally work alone, but last night I zoned out and went there, and one of the guys who was helping me catch up (I'm not up to speed on productivity just yet and without help I"ll be written up for it) couldn't get my attention by calling my name. Of course not, I wasn't in this realm of reality. It scared him, but I think he's cool enough to understand after I explained a bit about things. He wasn't there last year when I was raped. He's not one of the crew who knows many of the details of this assault.
I can't bring myself to go into the details of what has made this week miserable at work. But I can say that each day the guys seem to feel a bit less uncomfortable around me, and that's really what was bothering me the most. The treated me like a leper. I already felt like one before I ever went back; this only reinforced the negative feelings I already had about myself.
I've got the next two nights off. Once I'm calmer about the first week maybe I'll share some of what triggered me regarding the flashbacks, or maybe I'll just suck it up and plug along, hoping that things will get better.
This morning I feel beaten both physically and mentally, but perhaps just a little bit proud that I did it. And soon I'm going to bed. Oh, sweet bed, how I dreamed of you all night at work.... Watch, the lawnmowers and leaf blowers will start up as soon as I close my eyes. Ah, the midnight shift....
