So physically I feel better

[Cat Dancer]

but mentally I'm ripping myself apart. Literally too. I have gained a few pounds and I hate it. I feel disgusting and fat. And I keep thinking how happy everyone must be that I've gained weight. How maybe they're all laughing at me even. How this thing I can control has gotten out of my control. Now there's no control. What a monster an eating disorder is. I know my thinking is distorted. At least I can recognize that.

I just feel like I should go away from society until I'm presentable again, i.e. very, very thin. This is hard.

 

[braveheart]

It's good that you can recognise that your thoughts are distorted.

Where does the idea come from that to be acceptabe you have to be thin? It sounds very confusing, bewildering, to on one hand feel that thinness = acceptability, and on the other hand to perceive people being happy you've put on weight. Inner conflicts like that can be distressing. I know.

Maybe the one who's laughing at you is the internalised bully/abuser in your head?

:hug:

 

[sister-ray]

:hug::hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you recognize it is distorted thinking. you are feeling better physically, and that is so very important! it will give you the strength to work on things, strength you badly need.

maybe you need to put away those scales? that way you won't know your weight, and you should gauge your health by how you feel physically. if you feel decent physically, that means your body is healthy, and that is the true goal.

i know the eating disorder is all about control, is there any way in your thinking that you can shift that control to something other than limiting your food intake?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks braveheart, sister-ray, and Into the Light for your comments. I think it is good that I can recognize my distorted thinking. I also think the putting on a little weight has helped my depression. But I still feel bad about it. My clothes still pretty much fit so it can't be too much weight. I haven't been weighing. I'm too afraid to.

ITL, I think you're right about it being about control. I'm not sure how to transfer that control into something non-destructive. That's what I need to focus on. I've been taking more pictures and trying to do some creative things around the house and I think that helps, but I still feel fat and ugly.

Where does the idea come from that to be acceptabe you have to be thin? It sounds very confusing, bewildering, to on one hand feel that thinness = acceptability, and on the other hand to perceive people being happy you've put on weight. Inner conflicts like that can be distressing. I know.

Maybe the one who's laughing at you is the internalised bully/abuser in your head?

I think this is so interesting and I've never thought about it like that before. It is total confusion inside my head. I do think there is some kind of internal voice that laughs at me and mocks me no matter how well I'm doing. Especially if I'm doing well. I've had issues with my weight since I was in my early teens. Before that I was always told I was too thin so maybe the issues go back even farther.

Somehow I need to work on all of this. I've been journaling and that helps some. I'd like to share it with my therapist, but it's a little embarrassing.

 

[Halo]

I think that sharing parts of your journalling with your therapist would really help him gain insight into your struggles and your thoughts. Although you may think that they are embarrassing, I am sure that it is nothing that he hasn't heard before. He is not there to judge but only to help.

Even if you don't share all of it with him but portions, it would probably be helpful.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

P.S. - Glad that you are feeling a bit better :2thumbs:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Halo.

 

[Halo]

Your doing great :2thumbs: Keep it up

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks.

This is going to sound dumb. But sometimes I wonder if I want to stay weak because when I'm weak I don't have to deal with anything. When I'm weak it's all I can do just to survive. I don't have the strength and energy to deal with the issues. So maybe in some ways getting well, being stronger, is terrifying because now I have the energy to face things.

I don't know if that makes any sense or not. Just some random thoughts going through my mind.

 

[ladylore]

I'm going to tell you something about myself Janet. I use to believe that if I was sick or hurting in some way that this was the only way I could recieve the help I needed. When things improved even a bit the support went away. So the message I recieved was to stay weak, sick and fragile and the help will stay. Only problem with that is that I am not very good at doing that for very long. I like it when I am feeling well and deserve support when I feel well and when I feel sick.

That is why I celebrate the good times as well as being there the best I can when things aren't going well.

You deserve support Janet in the bad time and in the good.

 

[Halo]

This is going to sound dumb. But sometimes I wonder if I want to stay weak because when I'm weak I don't have to deal with anything. When I'm weak it's all I can do just to survive. I don't have the strength and energy to deal with the issues. So maybe in some ways getting well, being stronger, is terrifying because now I have the energy to face things.

I don't think that it sounds dumb at all, I actually think that it makes a lot of sense.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Halo.

I found out today that I've actually lost quite a bit of weight. I thought I had gained. I guess that shows how distorted my thoughts can be. Now I need to work on at least maintaining this weight. It's hard. Really hard.

 

[Into The Light]

Thanks.

This is going to sound dumb. But sometimes I wonder if I want to stay weak because when I'm weak I don't have to deal with anything. When I'm weak it's all I can do just to survive. I don't have the strength and energy to deal with the issues. So maybe in some ways getting well, being stronger, is terrifying because now I have the energy to face things.

that makes a lot of sense. in a way being weak allows you to not have to do deal with things. change is hard, dealing with our issues is hard. for me, half the time i want to give up and not bother, but in the end that means nothing changes for me and without that change i'll suffer indefinitely.

i really hope that you'll be able to work up the courage to face things and deal with them. even though you know they will be difficult and painful, in the long run you will be able to put all the pain behind you, and have a life with more room for joy. instead of all this pain just simmering and getting unbearable at times, it will be dealt with and you will have the energy to pursue those things you would like to have for yourself.