So tired I want to run

[oling8]

So where to begin? Just uttering to myself that phrase is enough to send my mind racing towards an eventual melt down. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I cant stop my own mind from dwelling on it which leads me to successive bouts with disappointment, a sense of failure, frustration, anger, self loathing, and resentment. After those have run their course then either I just shut down and breathe until sleep finds me or I’ll stand up and swell with drive and purpose which usually gets me bustling around organizing and making lists and filling calendar boxes. This is the worst because inevitably while I’m making lists or filling calendar boxes I start to feel overwhelmed again and the process repeats itself day after day.

I suppose I am rambling without giving any pretext but I found this site today as I clicked around on the Internet trying desperately to not think about life but read the news or make myself laugh. I searched for a sight on google with the phrase “I don’t want to live in the United States anymore” and saw the link for a post about ‘not wanting to live anymore’ and I thought to myself... "Well I suppose that too." I have never seriously considered suicide because of the fact that I really do love life and people and loving and laughing. I even don’t mind being sad and crying from time to time because it is just emotion and it is what makes people alive and beautiful. To me I don’t want to live anymore means live anymore like this. And I don’t. For the past three years I have lived in Texas attending law school and pursuing a life that I’m realizing I never really wanted. I came here from the northwest to be closer to a family that has long since become distant and splintered. Ever since I graduated from college I just wanted to live and be happy. I have always wanted to do something with my life for the benefit of those who need help but as the thought of repaying my student loans became a reality I panicked and figured law school. By going to law school I could 1) go back to school and eventually earn more 2) defer my loans until I was capable of earning more 3) make my father happy by following him into his profession 3) be closer to a of my family except my mother who was in the northwest 4) start over in a new place with a clean slate.

So I'm here now three years later. I am even more distant with my family than ever before but above it al I am stressed out to the point of exhaustion about the bar exam and failing and just al of the wrong things going on at the moment.

I cannot even begin to tell you about all of the things wrong but not having enough money, time and energy have all reached a point to where these needs are screaming in unison at me everyday. Just as an example yesterday. I need to go get an inspection sticker for my car because I have t go to court tomorrow for not having a valid sticker. I tried my car failed and cost me $ to fail. I tried to go to salvage yards to make the repairs less costly yet still 400 I don’t have. I tried to fix is myself and take it to a less reputable inspection station outside the county. Failed again $ wasted again. Having the money to fix a leaking exhaust would be nice but if I had 400 dollars I would fix the cracking belts and clicking CV joint which will render my car useless when they eventually fail. But he best part is that if I had 400 I wouldn't even fix the car. Or pay the past due bills on my table. I would go to the dentist because my teeth have ached for the past three years. But even still I might not consider the densest first. You see I have to go to an alcohol assessment, at my expanse, because the Texas bar thinks I may have a chemical dependence problem because of 5 alcohol related offenses I got almost 10 years ago while in college. At my expense of course, 75$. There is more but I will stop because I hate whining about this crap. Button top of it all and most stressful is the fact that the bar exam is coming and failure cannot be an option. I would write more but I have to go now to go to a make up class for 4 hours because I was virtually catatonic at various points last week. The 30 minutes to get across town at 5pm to attend the regularly scheduled class. Home by 10 to maybe eat but probably rock back and forth outside smoking cigarettes and wishing I was someplace else until I am so tired I pass out on the couch watching an informercial.

 

[lammers1980]

so tired I want to run

So sorry to hear of your situation. You story reminds me of my life about five years ago when I was going to university. I didn't really know what I wanted, felt like I was attending classes to appease my parents, was becoming increasingly anxious and depressed. Unfortunately, I ended up dropping out, which was very hard because I came from a family where a degree of some sort was expected. Now, I am the only one of my siblings not to have a degree. At least I am happier, although more limited in my career option.

I'm not saying that you should drop out though, that is just what happened to me. I think maybe it would be helpful to find a counsellor of some sort that can help you out, if possible. Barring that, this group is a good place to go.

 

[HA]

so tired I want to run

oling8,

Glad you joined us!

I have some legal questions I was hoping you could answer.....just kidding. :~}

Okay....you're at that place of maximum stress for a final exam that will culminate in years of hard work which could essentially be blown away if you don't pass it. I would think that many people in your position would question if they have done the right thing by putting yourself in this position to begin with.

Add life on top of that stress and it's overwhelming.

Maybe if you took all of those other worries and stresses and parked them until you have finished your bar exam, it would alleviate some of your stress and free up the energy for preparation.

I don't know the details of how the bar exam works or the final months in law school but I think you should cross that finish line since you have come this far. I'm a firm believer in doing what makes you the most happy for a profession but now is not the time to make the decision to quit. You can look at your options when you are done and in a better frame of mind. I'm sure a law degree would place you in a postion to have many other professional choices besides being a lawyer if you decide you just don't want that for your life's work. Even if you chose to do a completely different career and went back to school or whatever, that's okay too. You do have the choice to do what you want to do with your life. Make that final decision after you are done your degree.

Prioritize your focus for the exam and park everything else until it's over. Go for a swim or a jog; get a massage; go see a movie or whatever will rejuvenate you and give you an hour or two break from studying. Do these things instead of worrying or spending time fixing a car. Car pool or find another mode of transportation.

Hope this helps a little.