More threads by Jake


hi - I'd like to discuss some experiences with trying to date women that weren't pleasant and gain some insight to the situations because I wonder about them from time to time.

I asked out a girl from work several months ago, after getting acquanted with her and establishing rapport. she would smile and say "hi" to me. after asking her out, she gave me this long pause and said "I would really like to do that, but I'm very busy these days..." because I was excited or something, I didn't hear the rejection in that response, so I went with the assumption that we'd go on a date. I said, "I'll talk to you later." she smiled and said "thanks". she'd continue to smile at me sweetly as I walked by during work that day. I called her the next day, when she'd tell me she had "to make something clear. i'm not dating anyone right now. I need to concentrate on school and I just don't have time for a relationship. it's nothing personal. I'm sorry." after this, she was totally cold towards me. she was absolutely un-approachable. wouldn't make any eye contact, and when I did say "hi" she'd respond weakly. sometimes i'd feel outright hostility in her demeanor like she hated being around me. she maintained this attitude pretty much ever since then. I'd think, what the hell is her problem? is she some sort of snob? I find it intimidating just to look at her these days. I talked with my sister and we agreed that it's strange that she couldn't remain at least friendly afterwards.

with another girl, the story is pretty similar - I knew her from one of my classes and she seemed excited whenever she was talking to me. banking on this alone, I decided to ask her out. her answer was a quick but slightly uncertain "sure". noticing the uncertainty, I asked, "really?" she smiled and said, "i'm not looking for a boyfriend right now, but I wouldn't mind hanging out." I was disappointed but I thought I'd still take the opportunity to "hang out" for what it was worth. after getting her number, I asked, "so - just to hang out?" she smiled, looked ahead and said "well, whatever...", which left me with an unclear impression but enough to become (habitually) hopeful and excited. what followed was a blow-off on a more severe and confusing level than with the other girl I wrote about in this post. at first, she didn't return my calls for setting up a date. then, seeing her in school several days later, I noticed she would avoid me by leaving class immediately when it ended and walk quickly down the hall. the next day, i actually caught her in the stairwell and called her name. she kept walking. I called her name again, loudly this time, but she still kept walking. I was not nearly as hurt as i was shocked at that level of behavior, but I caught her message, nonetheless. the strange thing about this chick is that she actually did try calling me a couple of times during this blow-off period (neither of which i was able to receive, but saw it on the call log). a couple weeks after the stairwell incident, i tried calling her and she picked up (for the first time), but hung up immediately after realizing it was me. she tried calling me the next night.

I still wonder about these experiences from time to time, especially the one with the first girl. I don't let them bother me that much, but they are still in the back of my mind. any responses would be appreciated.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
It sounds rather like you do get overly "excited" and come on too strong and then fail to pick up on cues that they are uncomfortable with how you are acting.

Some people are also just uncomfortable dating someone they work with. And it's possible that they told you the truth about focusing on other things and really not wanting to date, and were uneasy because it seemed you didn't listen to that part or respect it.

Of course, we don't know anything about the women in these instances either - it may have been things going on in their lives and nothing to do with you.


I fully agree with Dr. Baxter. It sounds just like I just experienced. This guy from my class wanted to hang out (I thought as friends). We hung out twice (with other people) and then he asked if I wanted to hang out the next night, I said I didn't have time and then he kept calling, and text messaging and emailing. All of the attention was overwheling and now I am extremely distant, almost hostile, to him in class, just as you describe being treated. It can feel really smothering and it's definitely not a turn on. I like it a lot better when people are more laid back about social contacts and don't try to force things. I think that it is more comfortable when both people are initiating social contact evenly


I agree. feeling overwhelmed by someone's attention can definitely be a downfall- it doesn't have to be but it can appear to be so when you're on the other side just wanting to be friends and finding the other person coming on way too strong even after apparent 'clues'. being 'busy' can mean a lot of things, but it's almost a word of caution- she's asking for some space whatever the reason. people say 'busy' when they're politely trying to say they're not interested, or they could actually be busy or they don't know what they want and want some time to think about it. it's a pretty neutral reason which you should take no offense by, but I do have to say, people can always make time for something or someone, even if they are busy so keep that in mind the next time you hear that line (aka they might just be trying to politely turn down the offer).

were these 2 women a descrition of what happens when you try to date someone/ ask someone out, or were they just 'unpleasant' experiences but out of the 'ordinary'? if it's the latter, then I'd say let go of wondering about the 'why's' and 'what if's', take some of the advice to heart, but remember there's plenty of other people and opportunities out there.
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