HotthenCold
Member
Something needs to change, but I don?t know exactly how to say what it is. I?m too perplexed by this experience of depression, anxiety, regret, substance abuse, social anxiety, low self esteem, etc etc etc to be able to clearly map out what this messy patchwork of feelings is and how to proceed.
To force some positivity, I am doing better in that I have had a lot of great days in the last year, and I?m sober over 13 months now. There is definite improvement. But the painful feelings, the bad days, seem just as bad as ever, if not worse.
It?s maddening to spend so much time thinking about how messed up I am, and to still not be able to confidently say ?THIS is what?s wrong, THIS is what needs to change!?.
I feel like the only hope I have to gain some clarity is too work closely with a counselor and map out every distressing thought or experience and then try and conclude something based on the patterns found within all of that data. I really don?t know how else to distill this morass down in to something clearer.
Gah, even now this typing is seeming irritatingly fruitless and pointless.
I?ve stopped going to counseling because I was only going to a group session because it was mandated by my employer as part of my return to work agreement, and I?ve stopped going to 12 step meetings because of some fundamental issues I have with their program that just don?t sit well with me.
I guess I need to go back to a counselor, but it seems so pointless. They just listen, nod their head, provide some CBT techniques, and away I go. I know that is a very pessimistic view, but I?ve been to many counselors and always had the same experience. Sponsors worked for a while, but only because they allowed me to vent when I needed to, but they constantly wanted me to ?work the steps?, one of which is spreading the 12 step dogma, no thank you.
Things are not all terrible. Like I said, many days I feel as if I?ve made great progress, and I definitely have. It?s just that the intensity of the bad days is still so great, and still more often than I can manage. The bad days include suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Endless self consciousness to the point of bitter exhaustion, hyper active obsessive compulsive thought patterns, brutally gory and inappropriate sexual intrusive pure-O thoughts, overwhelming emotional surges that bring waves of sorrow and fear for things that never happened to me and might never happen, constant paranoia that people are mocking me, watching me, talking about me, judging me, always, and rage that results from my perception of being persecuted, plus all the regular issues of loneliness, job insecurity, unfulfilled dreams, self esteem issues, bad habits, day to day struggles.
Again, it?s not all dreadful, but a lot of it is, and I don?t know where to turn or what to do next, since I?ve so far been unsuccessful in making lasting change in some areas. Bah, maybe that?s not even true. I don?t know. I do the dishes every day now and I keep my house clean. I?m sober. I make more of an effort to be meticulous and diligent at work.
I need to institute some kind of daily practice, but that has eluded me so far. I don?t like to make bold commitments because I have always failed in sticking to them, and I know how flighty my desires are. My focus changes from one day to the next. The reason I haven?t been strict with myself is that I?ve been learning how to be nice to myself, telling myself that there will be time for strict discipline later, as I think it can have some value. In the back of my mind I am telling myself I?ll eventually succeed at creating consistent habits that ground me and bring me back where I need to be, but for right now my mind is too messy to seriously contemplate a daily practice. I?ve found that I have some success when I take the pressure off and just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. Instead of having a mountainous commitment to climb I just allow myself to ?do the next right thing? and over time this results in an orderly enough life that bigger challenges such as daily meditation don?t seem to monumental. What I mean is, if I just gently set the goal without really setting the goal, the pressure of a defined goal isn?t hovering over me and I am better able to achieve it, or something like it.
Maybe this is too fickle. Not sure what else to do as my current approach is the only one I truly feel I can manage, unimpressive though it may be. I have tried strict approaches, and always failed.
I guess what I?m saying is that I feel like I need to add to my recovery and healing in some way, but I don?t know what that would look like.:haddock:
To force some positivity, I am doing better in that I have had a lot of great days in the last year, and I?m sober over 13 months now. There is definite improvement. But the painful feelings, the bad days, seem just as bad as ever, if not worse.
It?s maddening to spend so much time thinking about how messed up I am, and to still not be able to confidently say ?THIS is what?s wrong, THIS is what needs to change!?.
I feel like the only hope I have to gain some clarity is too work closely with a counselor and map out every distressing thought or experience and then try and conclude something based on the patterns found within all of that data. I really don?t know how else to distill this morass down in to something clearer.
Gah, even now this typing is seeming irritatingly fruitless and pointless.
I?ve stopped going to counseling because I was only going to a group session because it was mandated by my employer as part of my return to work agreement, and I?ve stopped going to 12 step meetings because of some fundamental issues I have with their program that just don?t sit well with me.
I guess I need to go back to a counselor, but it seems so pointless. They just listen, nod their head, provide some CBT techniques, and away I go. I know that is a very pessimistic view, but I?ve been to many counselors and always had the same experience. Sponsors worked for a while, but only because they allowed me to vent when I needed to, but they constantly wanted me to ?work the steps?, one of which is spreading the 12 step dogma, no thank you.
Things are not all terrible. Like I said, many days I feel as if I?ve made great progress, and I definitely have. It?s just that the intensity of the bad days is still so great, and still more often than I can manage. The bad days include suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Endless self consciousness to the point of bitter exhaustion, hyper active obsessive compulsive thought patterns, brutally gory and inappropriate sexual intrusive pure-O thoughts, overwhelming emotional surges that bring waves of sorrow and fear for things that never happened to me and might never happen, constant paranoia that people are mocking me, watching me, talking about me, judging me, always, and rage that results from my perception of being persecuted, plus all the regular issues of loneliness, job insecurity, unfulfilled dreams, self esteem issues, bad habits, day to day struggles.
Again, it?s not all dreadful, but a lot of it is, and I don?t know where to turn or what to do next, since I?ve so far been unsuccessful in making lasting change in some areas. Bah, maybe that?s not even true. I don?t know. I do the dishes every day now and I keep my house clean. I?m sober. I make more of an effort to be meticulous and diligent at work.
I need to institute some kind of daily practice, but that has eluded me so far. I don?t like to make bold commitments because I have always failed in sticking to them, and I know how flighty my desires are. My focus changes from one day to the next. The reason I haven?t been strict with myself is that I?ve been learning how to be nice to myself, telling myself that there will be time for strict discipline later, as I think it can have some value. In the back of my mind I am telling myself I?ll eventually succeed at creating consistent habits that ground me and bring me back where I need to be, but for right now my mind is too messy to seriously contemplate a daily practice. I?ve found that I have some success when I take the pressure off and just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. Instead of having a mountainous commitment to climb I just allow myself to ?do the next right thing? and over time this results in an orderly enough life that bigger challenges such as daily meditation don?t seem to monumental. What I mean is, if I just gently set the goal without really setting the goal, the pressure of a defined goal isn?t hovering over me and I am better able to achieve it, or something like it.
Maybe this is too fickle. Not sure what else to do as my current approach is the only one I truly feel I can manage, unimpressive though it may be. I have tried strict approaches, and always failed.
I guess what I?m saying is that I feel like I need to add to my recovery and healing in some way, but I don?t know what that would look like.:haddock:
