Something is afoot and I don't like it

[EnglishRed]

First of all I want to wish everyone here a very Happy New Year from the UK.

With it being the beginning of a New Year, I'm feeling reflective. Which is starting to annoy me. lol.

I've not been with my current partner for long really, a few months, it's a new relationship and my first relationship since I came out of a traumatic violent one.

We've been doing ok...it's been hard to trust him but we've talked a lot about my past, and his past, and discovering new things about eachother. I care about him and he cares about me.

But I'm afraid of this new feeling that's coming over me. Over the last two months he's let me down a few times. Cancelled plans I'd made together and said he'd forgotten about them etc. Or made plans on his own that don't include me etc. I don't mean that to sound possessive...I mean in terms of important events such as birthdays, christmas, new year etc. We've had words about it and I've told him how upset it makes me...he apologises and says he's just not good at "relationship stuff". It's been so long since his last relationship (6 years) he says he's gotten selfish and used to doing his own thing. He's finding it hard to break away from being one person, to two.

With each of these disappointments though, I'm becoming more indifferent towards him. As if I feel like I'm giving up! My expectations of him have lowered and I'm losing that passionate, loving feeling towards him I used to have. I no longer mind if I don't see him for a day or two etc and I feel tense when speaking to him.

I don't know if this is just a teething problem in our relationship as we adjust to eachother's lives, or if the disappointments are starting to reinforce all I have feared about trusting someone in a relationship again. I feel like I'm closing down, backing off, protecting myself. I've become defensive and withdrawn when speaking to him. He insists he's trying really hard and trying to make amends...that he cares for me deeply and that he wants me in his life if I'll just give him a chance when he makes mistakes.

I don't want to lose him, because I do care for him so much and I really want it to work...but this indifferent feeling I'm developing concerns me. How many chances until the last chance? How many conversations can I have with him before I realise nothing will change? And if he is, indeed, simply unaware of how relationships work, am I strong enough to show him or will I just keep hurting myself as he "learns"?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Something is afoot and I don't like it.

Hi I think what your feeling is normal considering your past relatiionships the fear and pain with his sometimes neglect. I also think what you are doing is great keeping the lines of communication open so he knows how what he is doing is affecting you This gives him a chance to try to change. That said i also think that is it hard to change someone Some guys are great at remembering dates others not so great. Ive been married 23 years and know that my guy is not good with dates so i accept that. If you care deeply for this guy then i think it is worth the effort as he seems he is trying to change and he does state he cares. Just my thoughts take care

 

[Lana]

Re: Something is afoot and I don't like it.

Hi EnglishRed and Happy New Year to you as well

It is so difficult to give advice or attempt to figure out what someone is thinking or how they rationalize or reason. I used to torment myself in relationships I have had. Coming from abusive background, I was taught that to love someone meant you had to suffer and hurt. So, when relationships went sour, I often felt that my sticking it out and through it all was "loving". Problem with that ideology is that it is everything BUT love.

I've learned and grown so much, particularly in the last decade or so (I guess I'm a late bloomer..LOL) My thinking now is that it's all fine and good to trust others, but the most important person that I have to trust and honor is myself. That means, that if something in me, my gut or what not, tells me something is off -- it means something is off. I don't argue with myself, and when I do, I remind myself that what I think and feel is important. Period.

Going by very limited account that you shared with us here, your partner may very well have difficulties moving from being single to being with someone else. But what concerns me more is your willingness to oblige to him and his "promises" and "assurances". In the end, you're here, still asking the same questions, still worried, still unsettled, still reflective, and even annoyed

You can't change him. Consider how difficult it is to change yourself by yourself...and how little chance others have in changing us...similarly, no matter how noble your intentions, you will not change him. Only he can do that on his own accord. Your responsibility is to yourself. Some say it's selfish and avoid it like a plague. But I call it self-love: loving yourself enough to look after yourself, enough to trust yourself, and enough to do what is necessary to keep yourself safe, sane, happy, and healthy.

Ok...so I'm babbling....in short -- trust yourself on this one. It doesn't matter what reasons your partner offers, it doesn't matter what any of us may offer as a means of explaining the latest events in your relationships. Trust is earned and just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they're automatically get all your trust, nor does it mean you need to forsake trusting yourself in their favor. Don't loose yourself in the relationship with another. Good relationships are empowering, enriching, and encouraging you to be more yourself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Something is afoot and I don't like it.

What strikes me about what you say is that you are tending to interpret certain behaviors (e.g., forgetting dates that are important to you) as evidence that he doesn't care about you. It may well be that he is showing you how he feels (or trying to) in different ways - and you may be missing them.

There's a great little book I recommend to clients: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

The essence of the book is that we all try to express love in certain ways and when we seek evidence of love coming back from others we instinctively look for the same behaviors. For you, remembering a loved one's birthday is very high on the list of how you express love. But he may have a very different "love language" and he may be expressing it in other ways, e.g., doing little things for you, spending time with you, bringing you little gifts to show he's thinking about you, etc.

The author also has a web site at Home - Five Love Languages where you can take a short quiz to identify what it is you look for as evidence of love and how you try to express your love to others. Take the quiz yourself (it's free) and ask your partner to do the same. Then compare how each of you score on the love languages. At the very least it's fun; it may be quite revealing.

 

[EnglishRed]

Hi everyone.

Thank you for all of your kind advice! I've been reading all of your comments and a lot of it made sense. Things haven't really improved much, infact we have had another disagreement which shocked me. He told me that I am a pushover...and when I challenged him he merely smiled, told me to chill out, and said he meant it in a nice way. I don't know how being called a pushover is a good thing.

I don't want to go into the ins and out of our argument but suffice to say he told me that from now on he will no longer compliment me or say anything nice to me because he can't do anything right and that the only response he will ever give me in future will be "yes dear no dear".

I tried reasoning with him...saying that as we're in a relationship we should be able to voice our problems and work through them. But he just smiled and said it's pointless.

I'm at a complete loss and it is infuriating me. I'm trying to understand him, trying to give him a chance, and more importantly trying to talk to him about how I feel...but it falls on deaf ears. I admit on occasion I have to sit back and wonder if I'm infact being too demanding, asking too much of him, am I the moody person he tells me I am. But I'm not! Deep in my heart I know I am justified in being upset and yet I doubt myself.

I think I know what I need to do but I'm desperate to try everything to make this work before I part ways with him. I'm desperate to exhaust all avenues before I finally admit that he can't be changed.

 

[Jazzey]

I think I know what I need to do but I'm desperate to try everything to make this work before I part ways with him. I'm desperate to exhaust all avenues before I finally admit that he can't be changed.

I have to say ER, that what struck me in your last post was your reference to being indifferent to him (or at least, starting to be indifferent). For me personally, when I get to the 'indifference' it's really hard to turn it around. And that's typically when I call it quits. Mostly because I appreciate that the other person would have an uphill battle to change that feeling.

This is a decision you have to make for yourself ER. It's a hard one but it's such a personal decision. And, I'm not suggesting that you end it based on this last argument. That argument may very well stem from your 'indifference' and you're trying to sort it out. Sometimes, when we're unsure about a relationship, arguments arise. I've always thought that it's a subconscious way to 'shake it up' a little to see if feelings are still there.

Sorry for rambling. Here's the point - If he's hurt you to the point where you're feeling indifferent to him, then maybe this is where you need to end it. Some hurts accumulate and cannot be 'undone'. Are the hurts valid? Only you can assess that. But, as Dr. Baxter suggested to you earlier, try and look at them objectively and see whether they are 'deal breakers' so to speak.

So now, maybe reflect on the hurts and decide whether or not your indifference can be changed, if you can move past the hurts factoring in what he'd be willing and able to do to help you move past them. I hope this makes sense...