Still Confused

[Debra]

I've written in this forum a couple of times with great responses and it really seemed to help. I don't know whats wrong with me. Maybe I'm the type of person that will never be happy. I am divorced with an 11 yr old Son, who is great by the way, and I am now living with my boyfriend. We've been togehter about 4 yrs, lived together about 1.5 yrs. He's great, he really is so good to me so why am I not happy. My situation with the visiting of my son is not the usual and my ex and I are friends for now. My ex works a second job three nights a week and my son does not want to come to my apartment so I go to the house, my ex-house, and I clean, do wash, take care of my son and my ex-dog and I don't mind. I miss my house, my dog and doing the things I did there. I like taking care of them. Anyway, my ex wants me back. I did that before but it didn't work. I think about it sometimes and think.."what if." Its just that everything right now seems stressful, exhausting....running back and forth from apartment to the house. Dealing with my ex and my boyfriends ex and just everything. It doesn't seem like a family, a home (meaning the apartment) but I can't say anything to my boyfriend, it will break his heart. Obviously, he feels something is up with me because I'm quiet and not as affectionate. I just want to feel that I belong. I just want simplicity.
Its difficult to put how I feel in writing. I just know my insides are a nervous wreck everyday, I'm losing weight, I'm not sociable, and I can be mean sometimes.......I don't want to feel like this. I am so tired of being in a relationship and not being positive about where I am or where I belong. Maybe I have some type of imbalance? I was so happy and content ther for awhile. Any suggestions, any advice? Ask me anything.....

 

[ThatLady]

Sweetie, you're being pulled in too many directions. Boyfriend wants one thing, ex wants another thing, your boyfriend's ex is in the picture with whatever agenda she may have, and your son needs his share, too. Where's the time for you, hon? How can you feel you belong somewhere when your being pulled to pieces by the wishes, needs, and demands of those around you?

Are you seeing a therapist, or do you have someone you trust with whom you can talk about how you feel? Are you on any kind of medication to help mitigate the anxiety all this must be causing you?

 

[Debra]

No I am not seeing a therapist. Tried one time but it wasn't for me. No I am not on any medication. I have my sister to talk too and I trust her but I don't talk to her or see her much anymore since she changed jobs. Thats why I am writing here. I don't want to worry my family so I won't call anyone and try to talk to them. I can try to talk to my ex as a friend but he may get the wrong idea and I don't want to hurt him. I've put him through enough. So I'm basically trying to figure this out on my own. I've made so many mistakes in my past when it comes to relationships, I don't want to do that again. Things would be less complicated if I went back but I do love my BF and it would break his heart. Sometimes I wish a person could be two places at once........I just want to be happy and know this is who I belong with, this is who I want to be with, this is who I will spend the rest of my life with. I wish I was one of those lucky woman who marry, the first time, the love of their life. I admire that in a couple.

 

[ThatLady]

Well, it sounds to me like you're pretty conflicted at this point. That, in my opinion, is when a therapist can do the most good, by helping you sort the wheat from the chaff and figure out what you really want. That's hard to do when you're too close to all the chaos. The fact that therapy didn't work for you before doesn't mean it won't work this time. A lot depends on the therapist, and the situation. If you're dead set against it, there's little I can say, except that you're certainly welcome here and we'll do all we can to help you.

 

[Debra]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I know the only person that can help me is me. I just need someone or something to help me see things alittle more clear. I appreciate any advice....suggestions.....

 

[ThatLady]

Hmmm...you say you enjoy going back to your ex-home to clean, wash and care for your child and the dog. Yet, you really don't say much about your ex-husband, other than that you're friends, he's away on the nights you're there, and that he wants to resume your marriage. How do you feel about him?

You've said you tried to return to the marriage once before, and it didn't work. Can you share why it didn't work? What went wrong?

 

[Debra]

Sometimes I see my ex if I get to the house before he leaves for his second job. How do I feel about him? I love him.....I don't think I am in love with him. He is a great guy. Sweet, caring, funny, hardworking, kind....etc. I think we know eachother so well its comfortable when we see eachother. We had been together and known eachother for over 20 yrs. Things at the house seem easier, more simple. Sometimes I feel bad for him, I worry about him financially, emotionally, physically. I try to help financially as much as I can. I miss my house, my home, being with my son everyday and night. He had told me recently when I had asked him how he was, was he happy, was he seeing someone? I asked him out of concern and made sure he understood that. He told me that he has dated but was not really interested. He told me he compares other woman to me, he said he misses me. He told me since we split up the second time he basically just functions day to day. (thats sad)
The second time didn't work out probably more because of me. I wasn't 100% there. I tried to be "in love" again but it just wasn't there. Then the arguing started. It was upsetting my son alot.
Maybe if my ex would move on I would feel better? Maybe thats what some of these feelings are? Besides missing my son so much. I don't know but when I'm over at the house, it feels good.
Maybe I'm putting too much thought into all this and should just let it be? I love my BF very much. He is the sweetest, most caring, attractive, responsible, strong, most loving man I have ever met. Why do I ALWAYS feel as though something is missing in my relationships?
Also, my BF owns his own business...actually I work for and with him thats how we met. But all the stresses that come with that. I give him alot of credit but it just seems like its one thing after another and its emotionally, mentally and financially draining. I don't know how he does it but now its effecting me and my life. I'm not so sure I am strong enough. My family loves him and feel as though I have finally met the right person. Who knows........

 

[ThatLady]

Well, if you're not in love with your ex-husband, getting back together will probably not work. You'd always be seeking something from the relationship that wasn't there to be had.

Being separated from your son, I'd think, is a major issue for you. I know it would be for me. Is there a reason why your son stays with your husband, as opposed to saying with you? You said he doesn't like to come to the apartment? Why is that, if you don't mind my asking?

Owning one's own business is always stressful, time-consuming, and a drain on relationships. That's just the way it is. If you also work together, that puts even more strain on the relationship, as you're both worrying about the same things at the same time, so there's no escape, so to speak. If the business is a financial drain, as well, that's putting even more stress into the mix.

Hon, you can't be responsible for everyone else's happiness. It's sad that your ex-husband has not let go of the relationship the two of you once had, but that's not your problem. It's his problem. He must move on. As for you, if you want to be with the man you're now living with, you must bring the previous relationship to a definite conclusion, in your heart and in your mind. If you're constantly going back to the house you shared with your ex-husband and staying there for three days at a time doing housework and all the other wifely duties, you're prolonging the agony for him, and for you. I understand it may be a practical solution to care for your child, but...what's it doing to you, and to your ex-husband?

Those are all things I'm sure you've given thought to. They're also the problems you must solve to get on with your life, and allow all others involved to get on with theirs. If your boyfriend and you were to marry, where would your son live then? With you? With you ex-husband. You certainly wouldn't want to continue as you are, as that wouldn't be conducive to a good marriage relationship with your new husband.

 

[Debra]

The stress is not us working together, we enjoy that and wouldn't want it any other way. The stress comes from trying to keep the business thriving in this economy. It was his business now its become ours and I'm just not used to it.
I guess your right about my ex and how it would probably turn out. I just can't figure out what it is that eats away at me so much. Maybe it is the missing of my son. If my BF and I get married my son will opt to live primarily with his father because that is his house, his room, where his friends are, where his school is. He also told me that he feels bad leaving his father alone because I have someone and his father doesn't. He's that kind of kid....a very big heart. I don't stay over at the house the three nights I go there. I'm there until his father gets home and then I go home. My son is fine with it and has accepted it. My son likes my BF, he's told me, and although he wishes I lived with him ( my son) he told me he doesn't want me and my BF to break up. I think he sees how good my BF is to me. Who knows....as long as my son is happy, that is the most important.
Well, I guess you sort of opened my eyes to what I was feeling and thinking. I'll have to try to work it out on my own and not feel so bad for my Ex and just hope he finds someone and most of all happiness.

Thank you for your responses...

 

[cm]

Hi Debra,
You seem to be working through a difficult situation and that sure does take alot of energy. I hope that you will still consider having a family counsellor assist you and your family with these issues. Although your son appears to be doing ok, it seems that he's taking alot of responsibility upon himself for the happiness of the grownups in his life. His needs as a child have to be the first priority for all the grownups involved. In the best interest of your son, your ex may need to live in the apt. instead of you.

 

[ThatLady]

That's how we come to answers for ourselves, hon. We talk them through, look at all the angles, and try to make the best choices we can. I think the key issue for you is to work on the feelings of responsibility you still harbor...responsibility for your ex-husband's happiness. That responsibility isn't yours to own. It's his. If you can put that aside and work on your own happiness, your son's best interests and happiness, and your boyfriend's needs and happiness, that's enough to have on your plate.

Good luck to you, hon, and lotsa hugs. )

 

[Nutmeg]

Hi Debra,

I went back and read your earlier posts. I can see that it's a stressful situation. I've been divorced and I felt very guilty and responsible for my ex (we had no children). I paid his rent voluntarily for years out of guilt for "ruining his life." One day, though, I stopped doing it. And *surprise* now he has a job and functions on his own. I'm remarried for 10 years now and he hasn't found anyone, to my knowledge. We don't live in the same city anymore.

Here are my thoughts based on your posts and my experience....

- Can you be really honest with yourself about whether either of these men is someone you want to share your life with. Put aside their needs, hurt feelings, their wishes, etc. Just be honest about whether you want to spend your life with them. If the answer is "No." then you might want to look into ways to establish your own autonomous life without either of them taking up all your time and energy. It can be done!

- If your ex wants to blame you, that's his prerogative. It doesn't have to affect your life at all. You know what part of this you're responsible for, and you don't have to be accountable for any more than that. It's not your job to make sure your ex is feeling okay about life.

- Your son is going to make a lot of demands because he's 11. I think you're conscientious, responsible, and a very good mom. It's okay to have boundaries, parameters, limits on how far you'll go to satisfy your son. It won't help him if you sacrifice everything to him. As Dr. Baxter points out, in a few years he won't care if you're in the house or not. The main thing is to have a good relationship with him. And you have that.

- You say you have to do this all yourself. Well, yes, no one else is going to make decisions for you. But you came here asking for feedback, and you were helped by Dr. Baxter's comments to you. He's a therapist. That's what talking to a therapist is like (to a good one, that is). I don't think any of us can solve massive problems and dilemmas alone. We often need help. Especially if there's no one else to share it with. You'll still make all the decisions yourself. Maybe there is a sense of over-responsibility here that you might question.

Sorry this is so long. I could go on but I'll stop!

nutmeg

 

[Debra]

Nutmeg,

Thank you so much for your response and your words. I know alot of it is guilt because I was the one that initiated the divorce. Sometimes I wish I had tried harder back then to make the marriage work. If I didn't feel so guilty and bad about my ex and how I ruined his life then I know my BF would be the one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I was single for awhile so its not like I jumped into anything. Thank you for your compliments about what kind of Mom I am. My son and I have a very close relationship and your right as he gets older he will not need me around as much. I already see it happening. He has been so great about everything. He is a very unique and special kid. I just want my ex to be happy and to LIVE life not just function to get through each day. It has been over 5 yrs since the divorce. I also know with me going to the house is not helping me or my ex but it is helping my son and that is my priority. For now, I think I'm going to take day by day and I will see how I feel. My hope is everything will fall into place. I haven't told my ex about my BF although he has an idea I am seeing someone but I just don't trust his temper and his actions. My fear is he will try to take my son from me or prevent me from seeing him if I tell him.

Divorce is never easy, especially with a child or children involved. I hope my ex will remain my friend. As friends we are great together. I just have to be very careful I don't do or say anything to lead him on otherwise.

Now I'm rambling......

 

[cm]

Mmm, I agree with Nutmeg that you're doing an amazing job parenting your son while he lives at the family home. It is a big task that you are completing Debra.
I just want to say that having 11 and 19 year old sons I would not play down the importance of being there for them (even if they appear not to want us around). I have found that it can be a difficult age for kids to go through, and the stakes are higher in terms of safety and health issues for teenagers. So, it is best if you can be well-rested and pretty content with yourself, in order to be supportive to your son in the coming teen years.

 

[Debra]

As I said before my son is priority. I love being with him and around him most of the time. He makes me laugh alot. I say most of the time because noone is perfect and he has his moments. Did I mention he is 11 yrs old going on 35+.....
Thank you so much for your "mom Compliments." Means alot to me to hear that.

 

[ThatLady]

Just one thing, Debra...you did not ruin your ex-husband's life, hon. Things happen. People grow apart, separate, and divorce. We might share our lives with another, but we are not responsible for the happiness of another. We can't take on that responsibility, as the happiness of another person is something we aren't equipped to provide. Each person makes his/her own happiness.

Sounds like you're doing a great job for your son, and he's doing well under the current arrangement. As you said, that's what's really important. Give yourself credit for being a wonderful mom to him. Your ex-husband will need to take responsibility for his own life, present and future. )

 

[Nutmeg]

I haven't told my ex about my BF although he has an idea I am seeing someone but I just don't trust his temper and his actions. My fear is he will try to take my son from me or prevent me from seeing him if I tell him.

And your son hasn't told his dad either? Is he also afraid of his father's temper? It's pretty important that you are so afraid of your ex that you need to keep this from him. You're allowed to have a life after divorce. There is no way he can keep you and your son apart because you have a boyfriend. It's not illegal. Do you have an attorney to cover this contingency?

nutmeg