Strange situation..not sure what to think

[Murray]

Okay, so I am not sure what to think about a weird therapy situation.

My husband and I both see therapists in the same practice. He has been seeing his therapist for many years and I have been seeing mine for a little more than a year. At the beginning of my therapy my therapist asked me if I would give him permission to talk to my husband's therapist. I asked my husband and we both figured it was okay. My therapist just said that he wanted to get a better idea of what was going on. At the time, he seemed to think that there was some domestic violence or something going on in our relationship-which there wasn't. Anyway, this was over a year ago and I never thought about it again.

It has been pretty apparent that our two therapists don't really get along, but it didn't seem to be much of an issue until now. There have been snide remarks directed at each other, but nothing too bad.

Well, last week my therapist told me that my husband's therapist told him how pleased my hubby is with my progress. I felt a little weird about this, but figured it was okay. Then today, my husband told me that his therapist told him that my therapist was "fishing" for more info and that he often has to remind my therapist about propriety as he gets too overzealous. I don't think he should have said this to my husband and he is also the one that told my therapist what my husband said about me. He has also told my husband in the past that my therapist is like a puppy- well meaning but always in your space and lacking in manners.

Then, a few weeks ago my therapist asked me if I would recommend my husband's therapist for someone else. I hesitated and wasn't sure how to answer as I don't think he is that effective, but I didn't want to say this. I finally sort of said that I didn't think he was terribly effective. My therapist said that I confirmed what he was thinking. It made me feel quite guilty for saying something bad about my husband's therapist and also a doctor in the same practice. This whole situation is making me sort of uncomfortable.

Now I am wondering what he was "fishing" for and it is going to drive me nuts. I sort of want to ask, but I don't want to make this situation worse. I don't know if I should ask my therapist what info he wanted, cause the curiosity is getting to me. I am also feeling that maybe I somehow have to ask my therapist to find a way to keep their issues out of our sessions...not sure I can do that- just the thought makes me anxious.

I know that this is a really convoluted post, sorry. I also know that this is so minor, but I am afraid that this is just going to get worse. Even my husband said to me that if I wanted he would stop seeing his therapist for a while so there would be no conflict. This just seems like a poor solution to me. Anyway, just not sure if I should ignore this or say something.

 

[Banned]

Wow, Murray. No wonder you feel uncomfortable. I would too.

First of all, unless you and your husband each gave explicit written permission to your therapists to speak to the other, they can't. Pure and simple. Dr. Baxter can confirm, but it might even have to be given in writing what can and can't be revealed. I know when I was in that situation where my therapist wanted to consult with someone else, I gave written permission that stated who she could speak to and about what. Anything else was strictly forbidden.

Your therapist (and your husband's) need to have a reason to speak to you about the other - casual chit chat and "fishing" is not ok. Not only is it unprofessional on the surface, it's also unethical and contravenes the code of conduct therapists adhere to.

At this point I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe talk to you hubby and figure out a solution you can both agree on, which it sounds like you've started to do anyway. Your husband's offer to take a break for your sake is admirable, in my opinion. It takes a long time to build up trust and a rapport with a therapist, so I can understand any hesitancy to change therapists.

I don't know...hopefully Dr. Baxter can chime in and give his professional opinion. I'm giving my personal, which may be very different from a professional.

 

[Murray]

Thanks Turtle,
Actually my husband and I did sign release forms so that they could talk to each other. At the time they said it would just be for one conversation and I never thought much about it after that time. As far as I knew, they never spoke about us since then. I am wondering if we can essentially rescind the release to share info.

It is nice of my husband to offer to stop is therapy, but I don't want him to have to do that.

Anyway, thanks for replying. As I said, I know it is minor, I am just not sure what to think.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There are some situations where verbal permission would suffice but generally I would agree that it is best to have a signed release form where the client can lay out any retsirctions or time limits to be followed.

By the way, Murray, permission given can be revoked at any time. If you are feeling uncomfortable about this, and I can see why you would, simply revoke your consent to either or both therapists. You do not have to explain why - just say you don't feel comfortable any more and you revoke your consent. A brief note, signed by you and/or your husband and given or mailed to the therapists is all that's required.

 

[Murray]

Thanks Dr Baxter,
I probably should just send a note to the office, but I would so hate to offend them and possibly make them mad. I know that in theory they shouldn't get mad I just worry that they will. Even feel pathetic writing that, grrrr. Maybe resolving this issue is a good exercise in being more assertive and taking care of my needs. Since this is one of the things I am supposed to be working on in therapy right now, maybe this is a fortuitous happening so I can get some practice being assertive with my therapist. ugh.....just not sure I can do it. Knowing me, I am just going to obsess about this for ages and feel anxious about it and do nothing to resolve the situation. :2thumbs:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you worried about one of them more than the other? In reality, if you revoke permission for either one, they can no longer exchange information.

 

[Meg]

I can understand why you might be worried about upsetting one or both of your therapists. I would hope that their priority would be concern about upsetting you, though, and about the current situation distracting you from what you came to therapy for in the first place. Your asserting yourself using skills that they have taught you could almost be taken as a compliment

 

[Murray]

I'm worried more about my therapist, just because I have to sit in a room with him and face him if he is offended. I don't want to mess up the rapport that we have finally managed to create. On the other hand, I don't want to mess up my husband's relationship with his therapist, who is also the one in charge of the practice.

It sort of sounds, from what my husband said, as if his therapist wouldn't answer my therapist's questions so maybe he has already decided that they shouldn't be sharing info any more (as far as I knew they weren't). Yet, he is the one that mentioned something that my husband said about me in session, so I don't know. Not only do I worry that they are sharing info about us, but I am uncomfortable with the therapists talking about each other to us as well...sorry I know that this is not very clear.

I have therapy tomorrow and now I am starting to get worried about this...so stupid! God, I am so freaking annoying!

---------- Post added at 08:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:17 PM ----------

Well, just spoke with my husband and he thinks I am obsessing about nothing as usual. He asked me not to say anything to my therapist about his therapist telling him that mine was "fishing" for more info. He doesn't want me to cause trouble between them. So I guess I will just drop it. Maybe if my therapist makes any more comments about the other therapist I will at least have the guts to tell him it makes me uncomfortable. That would keep hubby's therapist and hubby out of it, so maybe that is what I should do. It is just sort of frustrating and awkward and now I feel foolish for being somewhat bothered by this. Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent