Struggling with the idea of taking medication

[Cat Dancer]

I thought I was ok with it, but lately I've been having thoughts that I am bad or even evil for taking medication to deal with my anxiety and depression even though the meds seem to be helping me greatly with the anxiety.

So the benefits seem to be less anxiety, more energy, better able to focus.

I am not experiencing any relief from the obsessive thoughts. In fact, they seem to be getting worse. Also, the self-injury has been worse. So I'm wondering if I expect too much out of the medication and now it has become the thing to blame for all the things that are wrong with me and if I stop taking it I will get well?

I think I wanted instant relief and I think most of the relief I'm going to get has to come from changing my thoughts. But that is hard because I can get one thought changed and another irrational thought comes and takes over so it's a constant struggle and cycle.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I am definitely going to keep trying with the medication even though this thought of being "evil" and "bad" for taking it is very strong.

Sigh.

 

[Daniel E.]

But that is hard because I can get one thought changed and another irrational thought comes and takes over so it's a constant struggle and cycle.

Of course, that often is what happens with worry and obsessive thinking, including my obsessive thinking. I think what develops over time is a tolerance for the stream of thoughts along with a decrease in intensity/anxiety and maybe also less frequency. Certainly, over time, there is more ability to focus on work and play.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think what develops over time is a tolerance for the stream of thoughts along with a decrease in intensity/anxiety and maybe also less frequency.

That sounds good. That is what I am hoping for: the thoughts to be less noisy and more in the background.

I guess it takes time.

 

[texasgirl]

Janet, I can see the struggles you are going through and wish that there was some way to lessen them. As far as the medicine is concerned, I can relate to wanting "instant" relief, but quite honestly I have not found that medicine is the total answer ever. It is a combination of both talking and the medicine for me that is helpful. And the medicine is never a constant; the doctors have to change it sometimes to address the changes that take place in me, which can be frustrating. I want you to know, though, that I hear you and care about your struggles to get better. Take care,

TG :hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I agree. What you said makes so much sense.

I'm thinking the anxiety is less, quite a bit less, and I think it was my gauge of what to worry about. Now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be worrying about, focusing on and this is causing a lot of fear which I think is causing me to self-harm more. I don't have the anxiety to guide me so much, to let me know when I should punish myself. I know that sounds weird, or maybe it doesn't make any sense at all, but the high anxiety was my red flag of what to worry about and now I'm kind of lost so I'm going in every direction with thoughts and hurting myself to make sure all the bases of punishment are covered.

I know rationally I should not harm myself at all.

I'm pretty sure this really doesn't make sense. LOL.

 

[texasgirl]

Well, for what it's worth, it makes a kind of sense to me if I am reading you right - that you relied upon certain levels of anxiety that would "signal" you to react by hurting yourself. Without the anxiety signal, it's like you are off the road searching for a way to get back on the road that was most familiar to you. To me, I think that you may want to consider that that old familiar road was the wrong one. Now you are on a new road which requires a different way to handle things. That is sort of what happened to me when I finally stopped hurting myself. It isn't to say that I didn't on many occasions look for that "old road", but after time, it no longer was relevant to me as I found new ways to explore other roads - then I stopped looking for the old ways. Now I hope THIS makes sense!! I'm even beginning to confuse myself!

:hug:
TG

 

[Cat Dancer]

Well, for what it's worth, it makes a kind of sense to me if I am reading you right - that you relied upon certain levels of anxiety that would "signal" you to react by hurting yourself. Without the anxiety signal, it's like you are off the road searching for a way to get back on the road that was most familiar to you.

Exactly! It's like I'm in a foreign country and everyone's speaking a different language and I'm lost and confused, which I was before anyway, but it's a different kind of lost.

I am going to start over in the search for "things to do besides hurt myself." I had thought I tried it all, but I think I need to start over.

I am so thankful my therapist understands this and lets me talk about it. That really is a blessing.

:hug: What you said makes sense.

 

[texasgirl]

Thank heavens it makes sense Janet Sometimes I wonder whether my replies to folks are reasonable and helpful. I thank you for your insight. And for thinking about what you can do to not hurt yourself. Because I do care that you don't.

Take care,

TG :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Your replies ARE reasonable and helpful and thoughtful and kind. And thank you for saying that you care that I don't hurt myself. Really have tears in my eyes. I needed to hear that. I am going to try my best to give this up. I want to.

Thank you.

:hug:

 

[texasgirl]

Wanting is the first step to doing. You can do it.

Big hugs. :hug:

TG