Struggling

[Marc]

Hey.

I've been browsing these forums lately quite frequently, and i've been reading the various posts, seeing how people help each other through their difficult times so before i start, i have to say that i'm impressed at how good a community feeling this forum has. Therefore, i'll attempt to contribute to helping others here in the future as far as my limited knowledge and experiences can provide; however, right now i don't feel in a proper state to help anyone.

As i said in the post i made at the depression forum, i've struggled with it for around 3 years, since i was around 14. But lately, within the past two weeks and especially within the last 4 days i've been completely unable to escape the suicidal feelings. I'm constantly thinking of killing myself - how i would do it, when, for what purpose. The increased dose of Prozac seems to have done no good so far, though i am only a week and a half into the doubled amount of meds so i don't know if it should have kicked in or not. I just feel so hopeless, when i reflect on how i feel now i wonder if i will ever be happy. and if not, then what is the point in living? I'm not sleeping very well at all despite being incredibly tired and almost falling asleep in lessons. I just feel as though everything is too much effort and this will never end, i want to end it so badly. What really spurred me to start this post is that, thirty minutes or so ago, is i cut myself for the first time in around a year. Which is something i promised myself i wouldn't do again, but it's taking so much effort not to give into these suicidal urges that i just want some releif regardless of how that relief manifests itself. I just want it all to stop, i feel completely empty as though there's nothing left anymore, and i'm constantly weighing up the pro's and cons of suicide, resulting in further confusion. I just feel as though i'm a ticking bomb, i feel so angry, tired, hollow, depressed, and i'll never be free of it. I just want to let go, and i can't, because if I do then i'm not in control and i'll end up hurting myself, badly, or possibly even others depending on their actions. I want, or need, to tell someone about it. But i don't want to burden any of my friends with this. My mum, and my aunt (who is also depressed), know i have this now but don't know i have suicidal or self destructive urges, and i don't want to upset them really or have them treat me differently because of this, i want to be normal. and i know that isn't going to happen and will take alot of effort to even come close to, which in regards to my current level of energy and general feeling of "Everything is too much effort", doesn't appear possible. So the answer is suicide. Which is silly, but it doesn't prevent me from feeling it, and thinking about it, and desperately wanting to act on it.

 

[Daniel E.]

Are you seeing a therapist, Marc? If not, now is the time to start seeing one. If you are seeing a therapist, I would recommend seeing him or her more often, like maybe twice a week.

Also, when was your last psychiatrist appointment? Was it two weeks ago? In any case, I would recommend calling your psychiatrist and letting him know you are having more suicidal thoughts and problems sleeping. Meds should be able to help you with sleep. (Feeling tired during the day and not getting enough restful sleep can increase suicidal thoughts.)

(If the situation becomes worse, you would need to 911 or make an emergency call to your psychiatrist.)

 

[Marc]

I've never seen a psychiatrist or therapist, though i talked to my GP last week and he referred me to.. one of those. I should be getting a call any time soon to arrange an appointment.

 

[Daniel E.]

I should be getting a call any time soon to arrange an appointment.

Don't wait for them to call you. Call them up and see if you can make an appointment now. And/or call your referring physician and let him know your condition is getting worse. (Even if you weren't having suicidal thoughts, it's always a good idea to ensure the referral is being processed promptly. Sometimes paperwork gets lost or they forget to leave a message if no one is home.)

Or you can have your mother do this. That's one way of letting her know you are feeling worse and need more support.

Also, you also need to start seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. Let your mom and/or your doctor know this. It could be weeks before your first psychiatrist or therapist appointment, so don't wait to see the psychiatrist before making a therapy appointment or visa versa.

What really spurred me to start this post is that, thirty minutes or so ago, is i cut myself for the first time in around a year. Which is something i promised myself i wouldn't do again, but it's taking so much effort not to give into these suicidal urges that i just want some releif regardless of how that relief manifests itself.

Talking to someone can provide the relief you are seeking. Before your appointment with a mental health professional, you can:

- talk to your mom. At a minimum, tell her you are feeling much more depressed than usual.
- see a counselor at school. They can often see you immediately, especially if you tell them it's urgent or drop by their office.
- call suicide hotlines

It's dealing with these issues alone that is contributing to the suicidal thoughts and impulses.

i don't want to upset them really or have them treat me differently because of this, i want to be normal.

Well, that's partly due to the short-term thinking and social withdrawal of depression. In the long-term, being very upfront and honest about how you are feeling will help speed your recovery.

Basically, suicidal thoughts and urges are a warning that one's depression is not being treated sufficiently. So trying to cover it up is like trying to turn off a smoke alarm in a burning building.

I just feel so hopeless, when i reflect on how i feel now i wonder if i will ever be happy. and if not, then what is the point in living?

Regarding your feelings of hopelessness (which is what drives suicidal thinking), one thing that contributes to it is "mood congruence." This means that anyone who feels depressed is likely to think more negatively about their future. Even people without depression tend to do a poor job of predicting how they will feel in the future.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with Daniel's comments above. You cannot expect medication to do all the work for you, no matter what that medication is. It also requires some changes in cognition and life style, as well as learning some new coping strategies.

While it's only been a week and a half since you increased the dose of Prozac, that's not normally too long to see a change (it's different when you are just starting the medication, where it may take as long as 4 to 6 weeks for some people). Talk to your doctor about this. It's probably worth giving it a little longer but if you don't start feeling a little better soon it may be worth thinking about a different medication (although I realize that you are under 18 and that your doctor may be hesitant about the "black box warnings" for other SSRIs).

Additionally, I am concerned about the sleep issue, which isn't helping and is probably making things worse. Talk to your doctor about remedies for this. In particular, a medication called trazadone is often prescribed to improve sleep and it has the added benefit of being a serotonin booster which may help by augmenting the Prozac.

 

[Rosa]

Hi Marc and wellcome to the boards. As you can see by my recent post, I suffer much like you. I know how very hard it is to get thru the next 30 seconds let alone the next hour, day, etc. Try to find something, anything, but something that you find meaningful in your life-something that makes you want/need to live for and try to focus on that. Even if you can't focus on it, remind yourself of it as much as you can. For me its my dogs. For you it could be anything, but hopefully whatever it is it will be enough to pull you thru these difficult times.
best wishes
Rosa

 

[ladylore]

Hey Marc,

I agree with everything everyone else has said. One other suggestion; my doctor offers counselling appointments. You may want to see if your doctor offers them too. This way you will get at least a 30 minute appointment to talk in detail with your doctor about what is going on and he will have a better understand what is going on and how he can help you.