Surrender

[phoebe22]

so overwhelmed ... backed into a corner and no way out. i can feel myself sliding into dissociation, but for the first time not fearing it. welcoming it. praying for it. i don't want to think or feel any more. i want to disappear inside my head and never come out again.

i just want peace. is that too much to ask?

:tearyeyed:

 

[Retired]

Re: surrender

backed into a corner and no way out.

What has happened in your life to make you feel this way?

 

[Jazzey]

Re: surrender

Hi Phoebe,

And no, everyone deserves peace. As much as I understand why you could want to curl up inside your head, I think that relief is only really temporary. I think you can find peace more easily if you stay present. Do you have a therapist? Someone who can help you ground a little and help you process the emotions you're feeling?

 

[phoebe22]

Re: surrender

What has happened in your life to make you feel this way?

Mostly the usual, but amplified and accessorized; some things I don't understand well enough to explain to anyone else. Things beyond my control, things I can't fix or to which I can adapt/adjust because there are no more options ... and all with less support, or should i say no support whatsoever.

:dejection:

 

[Retired]

Mostly the usual

For the benefit of those of us who may not be familiar with your situation, would you describe specifically what events at this time are causing your distress?

backed into a corner and no way out.

There are always options and solutions, but might not be clearly evident when feeling under duress. By sharing your circumstances, others might have suggestions for solutions for you to consider.

 

[phoebe22]

Re: surrender

As much as I understand why you could want to curl up inside your head, I think that relief is only really temporary. I think you can find peace more easily if you stay present. Do you have a therapist? Someone who can help you ground a little and help you process the emotions you're feeling?

Every day lived in desperation, every day worse than the last, constantly broadsided with some new crisis, never a moment of respite from the demands and expectations of The System. No therapist, and I've just lost my counselor because ... well, I'm not sure why: nothing I ask, nothing I say yields any answers that make any sense, but evidently it has nothing to do with my behaviour (I haven't been inappropriate or unreasonable) and not because they think I'm "cured". I am on a microscopic disability income, and that income is about to get chopped by nearly 1/3 (which means I could very well end up homeless because I'm already living in the cheapest rental unit within a 300km radius), so I don't have the luxury of a private therapist. I can see the flying shrink - they can't refuse me that - IF my dr will refer and IF the guy has time to see me ... but all he can do is make a few observations and drug-related recommendations. He can't work with me and he can't provide anyone to work with me. Basically, seeing him would only add half a page of notes to my file. And that's at best; he could always manage to make things worse. It's happened before and I have no reason to think it couldn't happen again.

I have lost all the people in my life save one family member and one friend, and the only reason I still see or hear from them - on a very infrequent basis - is because I have learned to keep my mouth shut about my problems and to put on as much a face of normalcy as I can.

So perhaps you can see that staying in the present has few attractions, and that as things get worse, which all commonsense signs say they will, I will have less and less reason to remain in the present. There's no such thing as miracles, no such thing as an 11th-hour rescue, so I no longer hang my hopes on them or anything/anyone else.

But it's all academic. The glorious dark hole of peace stands wide open at my feet but I can't step forward into it, and I have yet to fall into it. And of course I know that even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to stay there.

Unfortunately, there's something in me that won't tolerate the idea of taking my own life. Some remnant of something I once believed in? I don't know, and it doesn't matter. It's not an option. I "pray" for a swift and preferably not too painful natural death, but that's as far as I can go. This leaves me with nothing more than the escape into my head which I spent so many years resisting and for which now I would sell my soul.

:tearyeyed:

---------- Post added at 12:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:34 PM ----------

For the benefit of those of us who may not be familiar with your situation, would you describe specifically what events at this time are causing your distress?
There are always options and solutions, but might not be clearly evident when feeling under duress. By sharing your circumstances, others might have suggestions for solutions for you to consider.

Hopefully my response to Displaced clarifies somewhat?

 

[Daniel E.]

that income is about to get chopped by nearly 1/3 (which means I could very well end up homeless because I'm already living in the cheapest rental unit within a 300km radius)

Do you have an extra bedroom to rent out? If not, maybe you could save by becoming a roommate?

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, I can see why you need that escape Phoebe. You are dealing with many things all at once. And it's overwhelming.

I see that you live in Canada. I don't know if this is true or not, but through the mental health association / your doctor, you can sometimes access a talk psychiatrist - meaning it's free. Maybe that's an option? Calling your local mental health association? seeing what they can do?

As for your disability income...I'm wondering why it's being cut by 1/3. I'm also wondering if you can't add to that income with some kind of welfare...I'll do a bit of research for you and post what I find here...ok?

Phoebe, I completely understand why you want to dissociate. For right now though, maybe stay present a little longer? Maybe some of us here can find some avenues for you to look into?

http://www.canadabenefits.gc.ca/f.1.2cl.3st@.jsp?lang=eng&geo=1&catid=54
http://www.mhr.gov.bc.ca/mhr/da.htm

I just posted both the Fed and provincial links...

 

[phoebe22]

Do you have an extra bedroom to rent out? If not, maybe you could save by becoming a roommate?

If the gods are in a generous mood, I might find a room to rent depite the fact that I'm not even remotely what could be considered an ideal roomie or boarder. The challenges in that, added to my physical disabilities and special needs are something I'm not going to be able to explore until the rest of my questions are answered one way or another. By questions I mean the finer points of these many recent changes, when uocoming changes will be taking place, how drastic they are, and so on. At my age it's been difficult enough having to give up my home (the one I spent 25 years of my life working my backside off to pay for) and moving into a 400 sq foot flat; downsizing any farther presents difficulties I can't even wrap my head around at this point. That's why I say I'm overwhelmed. There's too much all at once, and no clear starting point.

I also need the will to keep making the effort, and at this point, I don't. If that ends up killing me, so much the better.

:juggle:

---------- Post added at 01:33 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:20 PM ----------

I see that you live in Canada. I don't know if this is true or not, but through the mental health association / your doctor, you can sometimes access a talk psychiatrist - meaning it's free. Maybe that's an option? Calling your local mental health association? seeing what they can do?

As for your disability income...I'm wondering why it's being cut by 1/3. I'm also wondering if you can't add to that income with some kind of welfare...I'll do a bit of research for you and post what I find here...ok?

Phoebe, I completely understand why you want to dissociate. For right now though, maybe stay present a little longer? Maybe some of us here can find some avenues for you to look into?

I am a person with a disability - Canada BenefitsRate Tables Disability Assistance - Ministry of Social Development, Province of British Columbia

I just posted both the Fed and provincial links...

My income is a form of glorified welfare ... provincial, not federal. I don't qualify for federal income of any kind. If I lived in a town big enough to have a staff shrink, I could see that shrink, but in most parts of the province, one is lucky to access a counselor or "clinician", who has very little psych training and whose job seems more to monitor than anything else. The only time any of mine have shown any interest is when they thought I was thinking about killing myself. One acted on that mistaken belief, leading to a 72-hour nightmare which didn't accomplish anything except to add to my list of PTSD flashbacks and make it very difficult to be anywhere near a hospital and to be very afraid of drs.

Fully qualified therapists are scarce as hen's teeth around here, and of those within a reasonable traveling distance charge at least $150/hour. That translates into nearly a month's groceries.

I'll look into those links (thank you) ... one never knows when information is being witheld on the whim of some local big fish in small pond; at the very least I might be better informed. Hopefully I can muster the brain cells to understand what I'm reading.

 

[Jazzey]

BC's social assistance - this is a self-help tool to see whether or not you could qualify for financial assistance.

https://www.iaselfserve.gov.bc.ca/HomePage.aspx

 

[phoebe22]

BC's social assistance - this is a self-help tool to see whether or not you could qualify for financial assistance.
https://www.iaselfserve.gov.bc.ca/HomePage.aspx

Oh dear, in looking at my previous posts I can see I've been awfully vague (head not too firmly attached) ... my apologies. I've been on maximum BC DB "benefits" for apprx 15 years. It was jumping through all their hoops and dealing with a case-worker who was determined (even if it meant breaking the rules) to get me disqualified that took all the "stuff" I'd taught myself to deal with to a whole new level and landed me in the tender care of the provincial Mental Health system. That and having to do it entirely on my own when I should have had a 24/7 caregiver and someone to take me to appointments (etc) was more than this head of mine could move quickly enough to carry on juggling. I ended up dropping all the balls and landed myself in a psych ward with no idea how I'd gotten there or where "I" had been for the past two weeks.

Dealing with Big Brother is a challenge for someone who has all their grey cells and a body that doesn't give out on them when they need it most; when half your frontal lobes have gone MIA and your body decides when you're going to be able to brush your teeth or scramble for documents or make it to an appointment on 2 hrs' notice, the stress levels jump off the charts. In my case, they started what should have been a help but which has turned out to make everything worse.

For reasons I don't understand, I have a very long memory. I was well into my 30s before it occurred to me that this wasn't normal. Thinking that I had to be imagining things, I went to all the older people who were still living at the time and asked them about particular events or situations that had occurred when I was as young as a year old and they confirmed that indeed my memories were, if sketchy, accurate. Because of this long memory, I am able to remember that I was a very anxious and "flighty" child well before I started school, where my first teacher, in a letter to my parents, described me as "deeply troubled". Her concern was genuine, and I expect she pushed the envelope as far as she could (this was back in the 50s when people "minded their own business"). I couldn't sit still - not because I was "hyper" but because I had to stay one jump ahead of my thoughts, took risks beyond anything any of my peers would have done, and often drifted away into "daydreams". By the time I was five I was spending half my time in either a partial or fully dissociative state. As I got older I spent a lot of time getting in trouble in school for such lesser crimes as not remaining in my seat, not paying attention, wandering in late with no idea that I was late ...

This is turning into a biography, so I'll fast-forward a bit. By the time I was in my late teens, I'd realized something wasn't Right, and while I wasn't able to identify what was wrong (it turned out to be a long list, including just about every form of abuse on the books) I knew that if I was going to have a Life, I had to get on top of my reactions/behaviours, and proceeded to do exactly that. I did it without benefit of medication or shrinks, and managed very well - apart from worrying a lot, which I think in large part goes with the territory of motherhood, especially when that mother spends most of those years raising her children single-handedly.

And then there was the infection (viral meningitis) which threw me into a cluster of incurable, disabling conditions, robbing me of both mobility and the ability to think clearly and quickly. Given that I had survived to that point on my wits and the ability to move/act quickly when danger of any kind threatened, that alone was enough to throw me into the deep end with shackles on my legs and arms. Dealing with a string of abusive drs and psychs and of course the "welfare" worker mentioned above was more than I could manage, and I ended up falling back in time to when I was a kid fighting invisible dragons ... only now there was no one to see what was happening. Even I didn't see it for what it was til that dissociative episode which was not the warm and "safe" escape I'd known as a child.

And now, between the tender mercies of The System (including mental health) and my worsening state of non-health and lack of cognitive capacity/flexibility, I'm not able to do the work I'd started 40 years ago and drag myself back, at least emotionally and mentally, to that point. Time and so many literally life-and-death issues beyond my control have won. If I were a cat or dog with a caring owner, I'd have long since been euthanized, but due to these opposable thumbs, I'm trapped in a system which has finally succeeded in breaking me and leaving me with more than I can possibly hope to turn into something I can manage.

Regarding income ... due to my status as a client of the provincial mental health system, I qualified for a "top up" income which has made it possible to (just barely) keep up with rising costs and rent increases - it's obscene what I pay for 400 square feet in what might once have been referred to as a "seedy" neighbourhood - and cover the cost of such things as electricity, meds not covered by my insurance, dietary needs, and so on. When my MH file is closed, not only will I no longer have ANYone to whom I can speak at all, not even in a crisis, I will lose that "top up" income which has made it possible for me to squeak through most months without ending up deeper in the hole. I can't get enough of the only kind of work I can do to make up for the shortfall, which means I'm up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle. I've done the math ... I don't have enough left that I can give up/sacrifice to compensate for this loss of income. I have done everything I can to find out what might be out there that would at least blunt the impact, and there's nothing. The limitations imposed on me by my disability automatically eliminates many possibilities, including the obvious: being gainfully employed and living my life.

But the money comes under the heading of "practical" issues. The bottom line, for me, is that I have gone beyond being able to cope with these impossible circumstances. I don't live; I breathe and move around and jump through hoops on command. And since I can't do for myself what I would do for a suffering animal of the 4-legged variety, my only hope ... if one can call it a hope ... is to slip back into that other place where this world can't reach me.

The cruel irony is that after all these years of resisting that world, now that I want and need nothing more than to go there and never return, it eludes me.

And after all that, I hope I've managed to clarify, rather than just muddy the waters even farther.

:dontknow:

 

[Jazzey]

No, sorry Phoebe. I think I'm the one that didn't really appreciate your situation. I guess I'm wondering if you could call some of those services and ask them what solutions are available to you?

I'm sorry you're going through all of that. It doesn't seem right.

 

[phoebe22]

No, sorry Phoebe. I think I'm the one that didn't really appreciate your situation. I guess I'm wondering if you could call some of those services and ask them what solutions are available to you?
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. It doesn't seem right.

Thanks; it doesn't feel too right, either. In fact it stinks of something very wrong, but there's not a hope i could prove it.

I honestly don't know if I can scare up the energy to fight another battle, but I guess I've been thinking about it. Apart from having to tread very carefully - it's never wise to call too much attention to oneself when dealing with "The Ministry" - I would first need to be sure I have every tiny detail nailed down and be able to express them clearly and succinctly. Half the problem at present is that I've been given the bare bones but none of the rationale behind things that have been done or are in the process of being done. Some of those things have been immediate, the rest over the next couple of months (just in time for winter). They're refusing to explain the why, how, or wherefor, or to respond to my questions. I have no idea why I've come to this point, so I have no idea what I'd need in order to stop or reverse it or find something to replace it.

I do know that I've pored over the Ministry website many times over the years, noting changes (mostly removal of various helps, funds, and services), and haven't spotted anything that would apply to my circumstances. If, and it's a huge if, there are any resources someone like me could access, I've yet to find or hear of them.

I can't even find an advocate. Of all the various associations and societies designed to help those who have difficulty dealing with various branches of The System, not one of them will even consider helping me. Somehow, I never quite fit their mandate.

I don't know if I'll be given enough time to find answers before I'm beyond the point of being able to rescue myself yet again, but I suppose that as long as I'm stuck out here in the world, I'll keep fighting to survive. The mystery to me is why ... why keep struggling? It's a joyless, quasi-existence at best. It may amuse the gods to watch me twisting in the wind, but I'm not getting much of a kick out of it.

:missing:

 

[phoebe22]

Twice since my last post I've slipped into that other place. It didn't last (obviously), and ended up with me doing some things I don't remember doing ... most of it just confusing or embarassing, though there was some damage done. More scars to hide from over-curious eyes. Circumstances continue to get worse, so I suppose the back-and-forth between here and not-here will continue til either I just stay there (please please please!) or do sufficient damage that remove myself from the equation once and for all. At this point, I don't care which, I just hope it's soon. My brain is burning from all the thinking/searching I've been doing, and the more often all that effort turns out to be wasted (I have a 100% failure rating in finding any straws to which I could cling), the less motivated I am to carry on what is so obviously a pointless exercise. The gods (metaphorically speaking) want me destroyed - very slowly and very painfully - and there are SOOOOOOO many people ready, willing and eager to help that happen. Destroyed, brought low ... but oh no, not allowed to die. What? And spoil the party? A couple of people - so called "professionals" in mental health (pros at driving a person crazy more like) - have asked if I feel suicidal. OF COURSE I DO! but seriously, I'd tell THEM that?
:lol:

If I were of a religious inclination, I might think that even St Jude had given up on me.

:hippy:

 

[Jazzey]

Twice since my last post I've slipped into that other place. It didn't last (obviously), and ended up with me doing some things I don't remember doing ... most of it just confusing or embarassing, though there was some damage done. More scars to hide from over-curious eyes. Circumstances continue to get worse, so I suppose the back-and-forth between here and not-here will continue til either I just stay there (please please please!) or do sufficient damage that remove myself from the equation once and for all.

I'm sorry Phoebe. I do understand that slipping though. And I hope you know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Things are stressful for you right now. I wish I could take some of that pain away from you, I really do. And I really don't want you to do enough damage to remove yourself.

At this point, I don't care which, I just hope it's soon.

I don't wish that for you. I think you deserve peace and happiness...here.

My brain is burning from all the thinking/searching I've been doing, and the more often all that effort turns out to be wasted (I have a 100% failure rating in finding any straws to which I could cling), the less motivated I am to carry on what is so obviously a pointless exercise. The gods (metaphorically speaking) want me destroyed - very slowly and very painfully - and there are SOOOOOOO many people ready, willing and eager to help that happen. Destroyed, brought low ... but oh no, not allowed to die. What? And spoil the party? A couple of people - so called "professionals" in mental health (pros at driving a person crazy more like) - have asked if I feel suicidal. OF COURSE I DO! but seriously, I'd tell THEM that?
:lol:

If I were of a religious inclination, I might think that even St Jude had given up on me.

Well, I haven't given up on you. And I wish that you'd told the mental health people the truth about where you are right now. Sometimes, everything feels to heavy. What if the "gods" (if you were religious) want you here because it's not your time yet? Because there's something better waiting for you? I know life can feel like an evil game at times...or, maybe that's how we paint it when we're really struggling with some of the day-to-day stuff?

If there's anything I can do to help you in your search, Phoebe - say the word. I'm happy you're still here. Despite everything going on, you are worth knowing, having in one's life. So keep fighting, please?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

If you did tell the therapists that you are suicidal, what would happen? Wouldn't you merely be taken care of like you need? Why don't you want to tell someone you are suicidal? I mean, aside from the obvious that you want to end it. Or is there no other reason...?

You've touched our lives here, and that was enough for at least us to miss you if you were gone... There would be an empty space where you used to be in our heads. Maybe in our hearts. Please keep talking here. Keep searching. Keep trying. Stay.

 

[phoebe22]

I wish that you'd told the mental health people the truth about where you are right now. Sometimes, everything feels to heavy. What if the "gods" (if you were religious) want you here because it's not your time yet? Because there's something better waiting for you? I know life can feel like an evil game at times...or, maybe that's how we paint it when we're really struggling with some of the day-to-day stuff?

They do more harm than good. If I said anything they'd accuse me of trying to manipulate them and/or throw me into hospital, where everything, especially PTSD, gets ten times worse. (The last time I was in hospital, I had a panic attack which got me beaten black and blue and literally thrown against a wall 2-3 times before I was locked up for nearly two full days in their "safe" room while the nurses stood at the window laughing at my claustrophobic freak-out but refused to listen to a word I said - even after I'd calmed myself down - because according to them, I was "lying".)

Unless SOMEone is prepared to believe a small handful of simple facts, I'm better off without them. They're the ones who tossed me to the curb like last week's garbage (my file is in the process of being closed; just a few minor details to tie up with a big red happy-happy bow), they're the ones who have put me in danger of becoming homeless in the middle of winter, they're the ones who are trying to get me removed from Provincial DB income. They are not Safe People in any way, shape or form.

Of course the gods (my generic term for whatever powers that be), want me here; it's far too entertaining to watch me twist in the wind or cage me up and poke me with sticks to let me go. I won't be allowed peace; when I finally die, it will be in some slow, terrifying way that they can savour for a goodly while.

It's "d*mned if you do; d*mned if you don't". That's the pattern of my life, and I don't understand why. I'm a bitter old sow as I head into my "Golden Years", but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve this, but nothing I do ever changes it. It's not as if I didn't work hard (very hard) to beat the odds, but when I lost my health, the odds won. And because I can't voluntarily remove myself - I don't know why, exactly, it just feels wrong - I'm trapped in this ongoing nightmare til either I finally fall into that other place for good, or the last of my health fails me and sets me free.

---------- Post added at 08:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:43 AM ----------

If you did tell the therapists that you are suicidal, what would happen? Wouldn't you merely be taken care of like you need?

I feel suicidal, but ... as I've said repeatedly to every shrink, counselor, and dr who's asked ... it's not something I could ever consciously do (what happens when I dissociate may one day be another matter) but they don't get that. If I said anything that could in any way be taken as "suicidal ideation", they'd just call the police to come drag me away, and I'd be trapped in the local house of horrors more commonly referred to as the regional hospital til they figured they'd taught me a lesson. Unfortunately, the only "lesson" I'd learn would be further confirmation that I can't trust anyone ... especially mental health workers, drs, shrinks, and hospital nursing staff.

Everyone has power over my life except me. Something wrong there ...

 

[Always Changing]

Everyone has power over my life except me.

you know pheobe.. I was thinking of this sentence and reading over what you have posted here.. you have the ability to write and write clearly... maybe you can use that ability to take back some power.?.

Maybe if the powers that be can not or will not help you to receive the help you need.. can you go a step (maybe more) above them?

Do you know anyone in the media .. human interest story.. maybe

Just throwing ideas out there.. may be of no use but maybe they will help you to think of any other way that hasn't been thought of yet to help you with where you are now.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, you pretty much answered my question.

Hm... I like AC's idea. You are definitely articulate... I can almost imagine your "voice." It's a very dry humour tinged with some bitterness and a bit of "OK, you got more to throw at me? Just try." A little salt for the wound, a little pepper spray for the eyes... lol I might be off by a longshot, but I like the image of the person that comes to my mind when I read what you write.

If you write to your Minister of Health or politicians, or other health professionals, is what I was thinking... But getting the media involved helps, too, sometimes. Our local paper, for example, has really been trying to promote understanding about mental health and pain lately... Even local TV stations... Hell, who says you have to wait for that, you could even try freelancing some stuff for some magazines or probably write your own story. If you've ever read Jeannette Wall's "Glass Castle" you'll know what I'm talking about...

 

[phoebe22]

you know pheobe.. I was thinking of this sentence and reading over what you have posted here.. you have the ability to write and write clearly... maybe you can use that ability to take back some power.?.

Maybe if the powers that be can not or will not help you to receive the help you need.. can you go a step (maybe more) above them?

Do you know anyone in the media .. human interest story.. maybe

Just throwing ideas out there.. may be of no use but maybe they will help you to think of any other way that hasn't been thought of yet to help you with where you are now.

I've thought about that kind of thing. Trouble is, when I really need to reach my "audience", I go blank. I've got huge chunks of my brain that were destroyed by a viral infection 30 years ago and as soon as the pressure is on, I get lost. The Seroquel I'm taking (for all the good it does at such low doses) keeps me fuzzy-brained as well.

I sometimes think maybe I'll come up with the right words at the right time with the right person but what are the odds? And would it be soon enough to salvage this mess.

I wish I could trust the psych enough to go see him. But he keeps making little changes in my dx and meds, and has made things worse more than once before I fought my way back to where I started. I don't know what he could do anyway since he doesn't do therapy - he just does assessments and recommendations ... with all my med allergies odds are almost 100% i wouldn't be able to tolerate whatever he recommends. If I can't just sink into that nothing place and stay there, it would be nice to have SOMEthing that can keep me from crawling out of my skin and phasing in and out and leave me with enough brain power to deal with the ongoing crisis that seems to have become my life. My dr is useless ... keeps giving me stuff that doesn't kill me but gives me most of the worst side effects ... and there's no one else I can go to.

Barring a miracle, I'm stuck on this road. I can't fight back and I can't just slide into oblivion. What's left is every day for the rest of my life in impossible circumstances. It makes me feel like my head is going to explode or I'm going to run off the rails entirely. Not an appealing prospect.

---------- Post added at 04:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:36 PM ----------

I can almost imagine your "voice." It's a very dry humour tinged with some bitterness and a bit of "OK, you got more to throw at me? Just try." A little salt for the wound, a little pepper spray for the eyes...

That used to be me, and when I was young, pretty, and healthy, it got me through a lot of diffcult situations ... but it's gone, except (I regret) the bitterness). A few years ago someone recently described me as "brittle", which was more complimentary than most things I'm called these days.

Being dependent on provincial "handouts" I have to tread very carefully. People who make waves have a way of disappearing. Even if they're successful in their efforts, as soon as public attention goes elsewhere, quite often the axe falls. People tell me I have wit, which may be true or not, but what I don't have is my wits about me enough to stay one jump ahead of more people and problems than I already have.

Then again, I may make headlines one day as that crazy bag-lady who lost it in the middle of Main Street on an exceptionally cold winter day ...

:helpme: