• Quote of the Day
    "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
    Nelson Mandela, posted by Daniel

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
The behavior I've mentioned has in the past 24 hours returned, and horribly so. By this, I mean: walking in a disoriented way down the streets, talking to myself, angrily yelling at people who are only in my head, rehearsing aloud future conversations that will probably never occur, noticing that people are looking at me because my behavior looks insane, not seeming to focus well enough to find a shaded spot to sit down, and so forth.

Now, I haven't been posting much for two reasons:

(1) This is the longest I've gone since 1998 without owning a personal computer, so usually I have a long list of things to do at the library, which only allows me one hour in the new city where I now live.

(2) I've generally been in good spirits, though not within the past 24 hours. I'm sorry I haven't been replying to other people's posts. It's not that I don't care. I'm just overwhelmed with work, and having difficulty managing my life.

I posted this on the Members Only, then decided I would try to post it here, as it is not that sensitive:

There's been some good news, although that is not the reason for my present post. I found a nice little cottage for only $550 a month, which is unheard of here! The cottage is fully furnished and carpeted, 18'x18'. I could probably eventually put a piano in there, and a desktop in lieu of my lifted laptop.

So, this is the first time in the past 3 1/2 years that I have had both a permanent job and a permanent residence. That's all the good news.

The bad news is I went into PTSD symptoms for the first time yesterday afternoon, didn't sleep very well last night, and saw a return of the symptoms today. All these were triggered by negative events, some of an interpersonal nature, and some of a financial nature.

I had thought I had a lot more money than I did, and even now I think I need to go back to the bank and clear things up. But I have already closed my account, and withdrew the remaining $6.77. Yesterday the manager convinced me not to close the account, and for all I could discern, they ripped me off in the meantime. I just can't keep track of it all. I can't remember what things were like when I used to manage money well, but they sure aren't like that now.

If I ever get married, which is unlikely, being as I will never manage money well enough to be maritable material, I will have to make sure that my wife is a person who handles money well, and then turn all the financial matters over to her.

But with all the PTSD, I doubt I'll ever find anyone, and I'm usually happy being alone. But I have gotten really fearful in the past 24 hours that I am going to somehow blow this job, even though my boss likes me, and I am good at what I do.
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
i am sorry to hear you are struggling, sg. the ptsd can't be easy. will you be seeing your therapist any time soon?
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
No, because once again, she is in the County from which I moved for my new job. Once again, I will need to transfer my State of California Health Benefits to the new County; however, now that I have a permanent residence, it should be easier to do so.

I hope I get a therapist as good as her!
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
County Mental Health services in California don't work that way. g2g
 

ladylore

Account Closed
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
3,855
Points
0
So, this is the first time in the past 3 1/2 years that I have had both a permanent job and a permanent residence. That's all the good news.

I know you are going through a rough patch Stargazer but securing both a permanent job and residence is something you can be tremendously proud of yourself for. I know I am proud of your accomplishments. :2thumbs:

Ladylore
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
I know you are going through a rough patch Stargazer but securing both a permanent job and residence is something you can be tremendously proud of yourself for. I know I am proud of your accomplishments. :2thumbs:

Ladylore

Y'know, I just realized that. This bank thing was a heck of a note, losing all that money for nothing and winding up feeling like my life was hexxed again. Not to mention I'm flat broke, AGAIN!!

However, seeing the bigger picture, you're right -- I've got an actual HOME and actual REAL JOB. That's better than life has been in ages, so as far as the rough patch, I might do well to evoke: "This too shall pass." :cool:
 

Mari

MVP
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
1,171
Points
36
I found a nice little cottage

I am soooo jealous! I recently saw a cottage just that size that I would love to have but it is just not possible at this time. :dimples: Mari
 

texasgirl

MVP
Joined
Aug 13, 2006
Messages
703
Points
16
SG:

I am so glad for you that you found the cottage. Sounds really great. I hope you feel better soon too. My thoughts are with you.


TG:)
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
Yes, the cottage is a godsend! And I am feeling much better today for a number of reasons:

(1) I got a lot more sleep.

(2) It's my day off.

(3) "That too" has "passed." In other words, I'm getting an unexpected paycheck today from my other job, where I'm teaching two classes at an school for Performing Arts further up the Coast. Also, my boss on my main job agreed to pay me for next week's work on Monday instead of Friday. I don't want to go into specific detail about that, but I'll reply to ladybug's post in the Members Only thread soon.

Thank you all for your feedback and support.

~SG
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
Yes -- and today, too (Saturday). I actually did address your points on the Members Only thread, but my substantial response was zapped into cyberspace by a new office system that claimed I had no right to post on the site. (Actually, I believe I "timed out" in the process of posting.)

You asked some good, pertinent questions; and I want to answer them as soon as possible.
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
when you time out you can hit the back button and it will take you back to the post you were composing. you can then copy the text, log in again, hit reply, and paste your text. always works for me :)

looking forward to your response and i am glad you're still feeling positive today, sg.
 

Halo

Member
Joined
Jul 19, 2005
Messages
7,475
Points
36
I too am glad that you are feeling better SG...I know a good night's sleep can always make a big different for me too.

Take care :heart:
 

stargazer

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
1,720
Points
36
Thanks, Halo. I agree that sleep is so essential. Last night was the second subsequent night, however, that my sleep was once again insufficient. I slept about 6 hours last night and only 4 hours the night before. But now, I just took two naps -- one on the bus to the building where I work, and one in the comfortable chair here at work -- and I am revitalized. Sleep is definitely a good thing, and the lack of it definitely not.

When you time out you can hit the back button and it will take you back to the post you were composing. you can then copy the text, log in again, hit reply, and paste your text. always works for me :) looking forward to your response and i am glad you're still feeling positive today, sg.

I ought to have figured! Silly me. I will respond right now, before my boss wanders in again -- as he does periodically, at any time of the night or day, on any day of the week to see if his right hand man is on board and keeping busy.

Is there a forum on workaholism here? :funny:
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Latest posts


Top Bottom