stargazer
Member
The behavior I've mentioned has in the past 24 hours returned, and horribly so. By this, I mean: walking in a disoriented way down the streets, talking to myself, angrily yelling at people who are only in my head, rehearsing aloud future conversations that will probably never occur, noticing that people are looking at me because my behavior looks insane, not seeming to focus well enough to find a shaded spot to sit down, and so forth.
Now, I haven't been posting much for two reasons:
(1) This is the longest I've gone since 1998 without owning a personal computer, so usually I have a long list of things to do at the library, which only allows me one hour in the new city where I now live.
(2) I've generally been in good spirits, though not within the past 24 hours. I'm sorry I haven't been replying to other people's posts. It's not that I don't care. I'm just overwhelmed with work, and having difficulty managing my life.
I posted this on the Members Only, then decided I would try to post it here, as it is not that sensitive:
There's been some good news, although that is not the reason for my present post. I found a nice little cottage for only $550 a month, which is unheard of here! The cottage is fully furnished and carpeted, 18'x18'. I could probably eventually put a piano in there, and a desktop in lieu of my lifted laptop.
So, this is the first time in the past 3 1/2 years that I have had both a permanent job and a permanent residence. That's all the good news.
The bad news is I went into PTSD symptoms for the first time yesterday afternoon, didn't sleep very well last night, and saw a return of the symptoms today. All these were triggered by negative events, some of an interpersonal nature, and some of a financial nature.
I had thought I had a lot more money than I did, and even now I think I need to go back to the bank and clear things up. But I have already closed my account, and withdrew the remaining $6.77. Yesterday the manager convinced me not to close the account, and for all I could discern, they ripped me off in the meantime. I just can't keep track of it all. I can't remember what things were like when I used to manage money well, but they sure aren't like that now.
If I ever get married, which is unlikely, being as I will never manage money well enough to be maritable material, I will have to make sure that my wife is a person who handles money well, and then turn all the financial matters over to her.
But with all the PTSD, I doubt I'll ever find anyone, and I'm usually happy being alone. But I have gotten really fearful in the past 24 hours that I am going to somehow blow this job, even though my boss likes me, and I am good at what I do.
Now, I haven't been posting much for two reasons:
(1) This is the longest I've gone since 1998 without owning a personal computer, so usually I have a long list of things to do at the library, which only allows me one hour in the new city where I now live.
(2) I've generally been in good spirits, though not within the past 24 hours. I'm sorry I haven't been replying to other people's posts. It's not that I don't care. I'm just overwhelmed with work, and having difficulty managing my life.
I posted this on the Members Only, then decided I would try to post it here, as it is not that sensitive:
There's been some good news, although that is not the reason for my present post. I found a nice little cottage for only $550 a month, which is unheard of here! The cottage is fully furnished and carpeted, 18'x18'. I could probably eventually put a piano in there, and a desktop in lieu of my lifted laptop.
So, this is the first time in the past 3 1/2 years that I have had both a permanent job and a permanent residence. That's all the good news.
The bad news is I went into PTSD symptoms for the first time yesterday afternoon, didn't sleep very well last night, and saw a return of the symptoms today. All these were triggered by negative events, some of an interpersonal nature, and some of a financial nature.
I had thought I had a lot more money than I did, and even now I think I need to go back to the bank and clear things up. But I have already closed my account, and withdrew the remaining $6.77. Yesterday the manager convinced me not to close the account, and for all I could discern, they ripped me off in the meantime. I just can't keep track of it all. I can't remember what things were like when I used to manage money well, but they sure aren't like that now.
If I ever get married, which is unlikely, being as I will never manage money well enough to be maritable material, I will have to make sure that my wife is a person who handles money well, and then turn all the financial matters over to her.
But with all the PTSD, I doubt I'll ever find anyone, and I'm usually happy being alone. But I have gotten really fearful in the past 24 hours that I am going to somehow blow this job, even though my boss likes me, and I am good at what I do.
