Teen daughter

[Aurora]

Firstly I consider myself a `good` parent.
I have always taken it as my responsibility to teach my children right from wrong.
To cut a long story short my children are fairly well adjusted`normal` teenagers.

I have a big agony at mo with the youngest - she is 15 and driving me mad....she has a thing about school and its been goin gon for about 6 months......she goes/she dosent.....shes late/shes on time.....i dont think shes being bullied,I dont think its a social thing(she goes out all the time on weekends) but she dosent want to go to school and its driving me nuts!!

Before it happened to me I thought it was down to bad parenting when a child dosent go to school......no way...my child is a high acheiver....shes been told by her maths teacher that shes gifted and talented.I cant understand it.

Shes up for about 14 gcses but the rate shes going shell just about scrape 5....I think shes complacent...she knows she can do it so why try but these days alot is based on coursework and in that area she is well behind

My question to u`s lot is.....should I go down the psychological....`Im with you,I want to help you lets fathom out what the hell is going on with your head together` route or get tough `my way is THE way,do as youre told or else!` I hate to see her in this turmoil but at the same time the months are running away and soon itll be next summer and time`ll have run out and I fear the softly softly approach will see her out of options and gcses no thanks to me.
She says she finds it extremely difficult to concentrate in exams - when the pressures on maybe-I already said she was gifted and talented in maths-well she scored 1 out of 50 in her recent maths exam-what?!
Ive arranged a gp appointment for her on the 26th oct but what can they do? Refer her to a Pschotherapist/logist/iatrist? what can they do?

Its now affecting our relationship big time cos Im on the verge of not being able to understand her and going along the line of`problem teenager`she shares so much with me yet she says she doesnt know why school is such an issue.

Im just so scared that shes gonna waste her talent and end up leaving school with no prospects.

Tonight also apparently shed rather go in a home than live having me as a mother,is it me? Have I got to disassociate myself from her as a daughter and reapply myself as her teacher to get anywhere?
Omg Im so sorry this post is all over the place....Im writing it as I feel where normally Id edit and condense it

Any ideas? cos boy,I am surely all outta them and just want whats best for my daughter x

 

[Banned]

Hi Aurora,

I don't have any kids, so I can't help you on that level, but I was 15 once.

When I was 15, I was also "gifted" but skipping more classes than I was attending, failing everything, going out every night and getting completely drunk, and arguing with my mom about how stupid school was and it was a complete waste of time. I also did a bunch of other stuff that could have gotten me into a lot of trouble, but thankfully, Someone was looking after me.

I can tell you that the more my mom tried to talk to me, the more I pushed her away. The more she tried to get me help, the more I rejected it. The more she tried to get me to see the value of an education, the more convinced I was that school was a waste of time. I was a walking, talking example of opposition reflex at its finest.

15 is a tough age. I was trying to find myself, and figure out where I fit in life (I'm now 35 and still trying to find myself and figure out where I fit in life. I guess I'm a slow learner). I was bullied quite a bit and that affected me, but even if I hadn't been, I still wouldn't have wanted to go to school. Most of my friends were older than me - early 20s. That meant they were going out after work at night (we all worked together) and I wanted to go with them (fake ID). I didn't want to be the "kid" in the group. Although I didn't know it then, looking back, I know I was also depressed, which I would have denied had anyone suggested it. I would have told them I was a normal 15 year old (because clearly I knew what that looked like).

The only thing I can think of to suggest to you, is before you rush your child off to therapy, I would say to see a therapist yourself to find out how to deal with your daughter and help her with this.

Is your daughter motivated to change, go to school, etc? I remember thinking how incredibly irrelevant everything I was being taught was. I'm sure it was relevant, but maybe the presentation was wrong. I don't know. I'm not a teacher either.

I guess, ya, I'd see someone yourself first. Maybe talk to her teachers, guidance department, find out what's their opinions/observations are, then speak to a therapist with this information and find out how to approach things. They might recommend therapy, or testing, or just give you some help in dealing with her. I'm really not sure.

I don't know if that helps or not...but those are some of my initial thoughts upon reading your post.

 

[Aurora]

Turtle,man that is helpful.

Thats what Ive been thinking all along....its me....an appointment with the docs at least will help me to help her

Goodness only knows all the mad things going round her head as a 15 yo but at least if Im armed with the right kind of ammuition I can perhaps offer some hopefully constructive advise ;-)

Thats what Im fearful of,offering her the WRONG advise or getting stroppy with her when really she needs ??????

x

 

[Aurora]

Re: The Myths of Teenage Depression

So am I doing the right thing by listening to my child and adapting to her current needs instead of insisting she follow age old rules?
Should I go with what she wants or insist she follows a path of tried and tested conformity?
Are her views more important that her teachers views?

 

[Banned]

Re: The Myths of Teenage Depression

I don't necessarily think that an either/or scenario is always best. Our goal is to work with them, hopefully give them some life skills, and encourage them to grow into autonomous individuals. I think, for the most part, ultimatums aren't always necessary (unless there are serious issues such as drug use, etc).

Another thought might be for the two of you to sit down with her teachers together and ask her what she needs, how you can help her get it. You can set some boundaries, of course, but this way it's done in a spirit of collaboration instead of it being a dictatorship, which will not serve you well. This way she is getting an opportunity to state what she wants and needs. Your requirement can be that she attend 75% of her classes and submit X number of assignments each week (going for 100% off the bat is unrealistic and sets you both up to fail). Ask her if she agrees with that, if it's possible, and then what she needs from you to support her in achieving that goal. Also lay out any consequences BEFORE HAND if the goal is not achieved, and then be prepared to stick to them at all cost.

Something along that line might be more beneficial, I'm thinking...

 

[Aurora]

Re: The Myths of Teenage Depression

Yes.

Collaboration,not dictatorship,thats exactly where im coming from - thats exactly NOT what I want to do - dictate to her.
On one hand I teach her to listen to herself,respect herself,have faith and trust in herself,be herself......and on the other I would like her to do what others tell her,to go against her instincts and to be a lemming...Im confused so what must she be feeling?!

 

[Fiver]

Turtle basically offered the same advice I would give: Gather your information, and speak to a specialist who deals with adolescent psychology by yourself to find out what your next steps should be. Even if she balks at anything he suggests, you'll have an ally who can help YOU deal with the craziness without going bald from pulling your hair out in frustration.

Good luck. I'm glad I've just got a cat.

 

[Fiver]

Re: The Myths of Teenage Depression

...and on the other hand, kids that age are entering into the dawn of adulthood and itching to get there, while being scared crapless about the responsibilities at the same time. At that age, I was a rebellious snot but I could afford to be, because my parents set boundaries that always gave me an excuse to not go too far if my peers were doing things with which I wasn't comfortable.

You need to find the line between being allowing independence and enforcing boundaries that you can both be comfortable with. And again, I'm so happy I only have to worry about a cat.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure you need to drag her to a psychologist. Unless she wants to go for herself, that's probably just going to feel like more intrusion and more punishment. If you decide you really need to do it, frame it as trying to get help for the family so that you can be more effective parents and the family can function with fewer clients - don't make it about fixing her - make it about fixing you or fixing the family. Better still, go to a psychologist yourself and talk about strategies for parenting teens.

When it comes to parenting teens, you have to expect that there are going to be conflicts over something sooner or later, and more conflicts with some teens than with others.

The first rule is: Choose Your Battles. Don't make every little thing a power struggle. Teens are more stubborn and have more energy to focus on conflicts than you will ever have in your wildest dreams.

The second rule is: If there is a natural consequence for the behavior that is non-life-threatening and not-a-danger-to-health, let it go.

Rule #2 applies here. If she doesn't go to school, she will fall behind, her grades will fall, she will be disciplined at school, she may have to repeat some courses in summer school or she may even have to repeat a year. When it comes to time for college or university, if her grades are low she will have to retake courses to bring them up. None of these things are life-threatening or irreversible.

As a parent, what you are trying to do for your teen is help her learn to make good decisions. How do any of us learn to make good decisions? By making a few bad ones and finding out what the consequences are.

Let go a little bit. Your role as a parent of a teen is "monitoring at a distance". Treat her as a responsible adult, even or especially when she doesn't seem to you to be behaving that way, and she sill in due course learn how to be a responsible adult. That means you have to respect her privacy and her right to make decisions for herself.

And if at some point the decisions she seems to be making or wants to make are physically dangerous or life-threatening, THAT is when you step in to exert your parental authority.

Look for the book, How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk, by by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Posts from another thread merged here.