Ten Signs You May Be Involved in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

[David Baxter PhD]

Ten Signs that You May Be Involved in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
by Merely Me, Health Central
Tuesday, February 17, 2009

When I was fifteen years old I met my first boyfriend. He was the class clown and had the ability to make anyone laugh. He was extroverted and charmed everyone who met him including me. What the world didn't get to see is that he was also emotionally abusive. I knew because I was the recipient of his abuse.

You would think that I would know better. I was bright, had plans for a future, and had heard plenty of stories about abuse from friends and family. But I also suffered from depression and low self esteem. And this combination made me an easy mark for becoming involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. What I thought was love on his part was really my boyfriend's attempts to control me. I didn't know what a good relationship was supposed to be like and didn't realize that I deserved better. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how smart you are, or even how old you are. Women of all ages, socio-economic backgrounds, and walks of life can find themselves a victim of abuse. In fact there are estimates that one in four women will experience an abusive relationship.

So how do you know the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship? A non-profit resource called the Help Guide provides a list of potential signs which may be found here.

I am going to elaborate on some of these warnings with my own experience to illustrate what sorts of behaviors to look for. And one major point I wish to make here is that if your boyfriend or spouse is emotionally abusive, then it might not be long before they become physically abusive. This is how abuse generally evolves. And this is exactly what happened to me in my earliest relationship. Here are some of the signs to look for:

1. Isolates you from friends and family: If someone truly cares for you, they understand that you have a life outside of them which includes friends and family. They want you to spend time with others because it is mentally healthy and good for you. The emotionally abusive spouse or boyfriend wants you all to themselves and will make efforts to do just that. My boyfriend didn't want me spending time with my family and he especially didn't want me hanging out with friends. He would insult my friends whenever they came over or would sulk if I spent any time with them. It became a situation where I had to sneak out to see friends. I began to feel like a criminal for doing normal things.

2. Is verbally abusive: If someone is calling you derogatory names and then says that they are just joking, this is no joke. They mean to hurt you and keep you in line. One way to get away with it is for the abuser to blame you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated. But abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem. I was called every swear word in the book and sadly came to expect it.

3. Blames others for his problems: Nothing is his fault. If he throws a tantrum to get his way, you provoked it. If he attacks you verbally, it was because of something you did. Everything has a reason and none of these reasons include him being responsible for himself.

4. Alcohol and drug use: All abusers do not use drugs or alcohol but a lot do. My boyfriend was addicted to drugs and his behavior was highly erratic because of it. I never knew what to expect from him from one day to the next because of his addiction.

5. Does things to instill fear: In addition to my boyfriend's involvement with drugs, he was also into collecting fire arms. He would show them to me and make it known that he wasn't afraid to use them. Once he became enraged with me and drove me to a bad part of town at night and told me to get out of the car. I stood there not knowing if he would come back. After about a half an hour of driving around and watching my fear he opened the car door and laughingly told me to get back in. If you feel fear around your boyfriend or spouse then there is something very wrong.

6. Punishes you for spending time away from him: This goes along with the isolation technique but should you actually go off and spend time away, he will make you pay for it. One day I went with my boyfriend to an amusement park and brought along my best female friend. He was not happy and let me know it. My friend stuck up for me when my boyfriend ordered me to ride only the rides he liked. She pretty much told him that she and I were going to ride something I liked. He sulked and was quiet the rest of the day but when my friend went home then he became enraged and wouldn't let me out of the car until he had called me every name in the book.

7. Expects you to wait on him like a servant: The abusive man goes through life feeling entitled to be treated like a king. And he wants you as his willing servant. I was holding down two jobs and going to college yet my boyfriend expected me to do everything for him and with no help. We didn't have a washer and dryer in our apartment so I had to go to the laundromat which was more than several blocks away. I took our clothes in a cart most people would use for groceries. Despite the fact that he had a car, he wouldn't drive me this short distance. And then, you guessed it, he would criticize the way I did his laundry.

8. Is extremely jealous of all aspects of your life: One of the major traits of someone who is abusive is their jealousy. This not only involves being jealous of other people, but being jealous of your dreams and aspirations. One day when I was studying for an exam for college, I told my boyfriend I didn't have time to wait on him. Infuriated, he grabbed my books and threw them out of our third floor window. It doesn't even have to be another person to provoke their jealousy. Your goals in life can fill an abuser with rage if it takes away their control over you.

9. Controls you through his emotions: An abuser is a grand manipulator. They will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assertiveness of what is right for you. At times he will appear to be sorry and loving when you declare that you have had enough. You might see pleading and even tears as well as proclamations that he will change. This "remorse" doesn't last long though and when they feel secure that they have you back, the abuse begins again.

10. They get physical: If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is a good chance that eventually things may get physical. It may start off with things that you may brush off as not "really" being physical abuse like pulling your hair, pushing or shoving you, or grabbing you so hard that you bruise. These are the warning signs that things can easily escalate. If your boyfriend or spouse has an explosive temper and you have seen him react with violence before as in breaking things, punching holes in the wall, getting into altercations with others then it is only a matter of time before it is your body he is hitting.

In Part Two of this series I will discuss how to know when to leave such a situation and how to do it. Remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you are not being treated well then it is time to think of leaving this bad situation. I wrote this article so that other women will not have to go through what I did. It is your life. This is the only one you get. You are worthy of having a mentally healthy relationship with someone who does not try to control or demean you. Control is never a part of love.

 

[Daniel E.]

Signs of a Controlling Guy
By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Psych Central
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December 17, 2009

Letters like these come in to our “Ask the Therapist” column every week:

“My boyfriend freaks out if I go out with my friends for an evening — even though he hangs out with his friends almost every day,” says Angela. “I love my boyfriend to death but he’s always putting me down,” says Katie.
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“Every weekend we have to go see my boyfriend’s mom but he doesn’t want to spend any time with my family. It’s gotten so I have to lie if I’m going to see my own sister,” says Kieshi.
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Angel’s letter is only a little different:

“I used to have lots of friends but my boyfriend wants all my time. I used to think that was romantic. Now I’m scared I’m losing most of my friends.”
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And Melody echoes several other letters when she says:

“My boyfriend is always accusing me of coming on to other guys when we’re out. Guys do look at me but I don’t invite it. It’s gotten so I don’t want to go out any more cuz we always end up in a big fight about it.”
​

It’s almost as if these young women are in relationships with the same guy who just zips himself into a different outer suit to appeal to the woman he’s with. In the name of romance or commitment or love, he increasingly limits his girlfriend’s life and chips away at her self-esteem. This is what is meant by a “controlling” boyfriend.

Why do some guys act like this? Generally it’s because they are scared of the vulnerability that comes with loving and trusting someone. They may have been betrayed by a former girlfriend and fear being hurt again. They may have grown up observing relationships where the man held the upper hand by controlling the woman. Their self-esteem may be so low that the only way they can be sure that someone will stay with them is to make the girl’s self-esteem even lower. Whatever the reason, it isn’t good for them or for the women who had the misfortune to fall in love with them. Relationships built on distrust and control are unhealthy. Relationships where love is held hostage don’t last.

There are some common signs of a controlling guy. If you recognize your boyfriend or yourself here, you may want to take a step back from the relationship. But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for people to have some of these characteristics some of the time. When people get scared, they often try to get things back under control.

Signs like these become a problem when they become a pattern. If your guy shows some of these behaviors but will talk about them with you and will work consistently on making change, it may be worth it to hang onto the relationship. Part of becoming a couple is negotiating how you will manage different tastes, different opinions, and different ways of operating in the world. It’s the guys who regularly behave in a number of these ways (especially those who get physical) and who see nothing wrong with it that you have to be concerned about. A guy whose standard operating procedure is “my way or the highway” is someone who is more interested in being in charge than being in a relationship of mutual respect.

7 Warning Signs of Men Who Need Too Much Control

1. You are his everything. Sounds great, doesn’t it? It’s not. When a guy needs to be attached to you at the hip and you can’t do anything without his say-so, it’s a big red flag. Sure, it’s normal to be with each other constantly in the first blush of new love. But if it goes on after the first few months; if it limits your ability to do things independently; if it means that you have no privacy; then it has become an issue of control.
2. You find yourself losing contact with family, friends, and activities you once enjoyed. He may not even like you to be on the phone or Facebook or email unless he’s around. He always has a reason. He says he doesn’t like how so-and-so takes advantage of you. He says he wants you to spend more time with him. He says your family is too controlling. Some of it even sounds like it makes sense. But over time your boyfriend has isolated you to the point that you don’t have many friends anymore and your family complains that you are neglecting them.
3. He has different rules for you than he has for himself. He gets to hang out with the guys. You don’t get time with your girlfriends. He makes plans for both of you but flips out if you do the same. He flirts with other girls when you’re out but makes sure you have eyes only for him. He insists on his right to privacy regarding his phone log or his email account or his Facebook password but gets angry if you draw the same boundaries.
4. He invites, then insists, that you join in his life but isn’t interested in getting to know yours. Over time, the two of you end up spending your time going to events and doing only the things that interest your guy even if you’re not terribly interested. You rarely if ever do things you love to do. You may justify it at first, figuring that you’re more flexible, that you want to get to know his friends, that it’s cool that he wants to teach you about his interests, that getting him to go to one of your events isn’t worth his sighing and his restlessness and his comments. But somehow you end up making all the compromises and feeling like you’ve lost something that was important to you.
5. Finances are a big issue. Somehow you’ve ended up either not having any money of your own or spending it all on your life together. This is one of those issues where opposites produce the same outcome. In some controlling relationships, the boyfriend gradually, or not so gradually, does little or nothing to support the couple. The girlfriend finds herself working all the time to keep the bills paid and food on the table while he “looks for work” or “waits for his band’s big break” or drops in and out of school or simply does nothing but make promises that tomorrow it will be different. On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who says that he will take care of his girlfriend, that she doesn’t need to work, that he needs her at home, that real women take care of their family. All that would be fine if the couple had a reasonable way of sharing and managing the family income. But the controlling guy doles out an allowance like it’s the last dollar and doesn’t let his girlfriend or wife in on many of the financial decisions that affect both of them. She ends up even further isolated and dependent on him.
6. He is never at fault. In fact, he is phobic about blame. The controlling guy always finds a way to make you feel that anything that goes wrong in your relationship is all about you. If you have a complaint, he will quickly move the conversation to all the things you’ve done wrong since the beginning of time. Instead of discussing your concern, you find yourself on the defensive. Instead of working out a compromise, you feel you have to give in or the fight will go on forever.
7. Often these relationships become physically abusive. If the guy is controlling because he doesn’t trust you, he may lose it when he is suspicious. Sadly, it doesn’t take much to make him suspicious. What generally follows are accusations, blaming, relentless grilling, and anger. When we’re talking about something as ephemeral as trust, it’s almost impossible to defend oneself. How do you explain away something that never happened in the first place? Not satisfied with the girlfriend’s answers, the guy gets increasingly frustrated and, though he’d never admit it, scared. It’s not uncommon for the guy to get physical at that point.

If you’re in a relationship that is more about control than about mutual respect, mutual support, and mutual care, do something about it. If you believe that there is real love underneath all the drama, by all means try to talk it out and work it out. But if your guy can’t make the compromises that go with treating a partner as an equal; if he needs to control you to feel like a man; it’s time for you to take back control of yourself and your life. Do what you need to do to extricate yourself safely. Hold out for the kind of love you deserve.

Resources
If you are afraid to end your relationship, you need help and support to stay safe. Call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website at www.ncdsv.org/.