More threads by cathyp


I was in a relationship for ten years with someone I thought I knew. I came to realize that after two years of amrriage it was not a healthy relationship. I look back and see his parents have the same kind of relationship. The father puts down the wifes views and thoughts and will tell her in front of everyone. She never stood up though.
I got married may 2003. I lost my job a few weeks later and that is when it all started. I was taking classes when I was laid of and collecting unemployment insurance so moneys was still coming in. I was called lazy, and stupid and told to take any job that came along.
My father got sick shortly after that. He has cancer and I was so upset when I found out and needed someone to talk to and I was told by my husband, that yeah it is crappy he is sick, but why worry yourself over it. He is not dead yet. worry about it when that time comes. So I couldnt talk to him. I tried on several occasions.
I started talking to a co worker about some of the feelings I was having and soon developed a friendship with him. He would let me cry and he would listen and just be there for me when I needed someone the most. My husband would rather smoke pot and play poker than talk to his own wife and here was a stranger to me willing to help me out, for no reason.
I told my husband that My co worker and I were talking a lot and it was helping me, but that I felt it should be him to listen to me and hold me and let me cry.
He told me he was glad I have someone to talk to, so he wouldnt have to.
That is when I knew this was not going to work out with him. I stayed for another four months and for a while I thought i got through to him telling him I cant live like this anymore something has to change, and he would say it was all my fault what was wrong and for me to fix it.
I spoke to my parents and they told me I could come home.
Then all hell broke lose.

I went to see my friend, and yes my husband knew where I was I had told him. He also knew that I was having romantic feelis of love and closeness to this other person because though our whole relationship I have been honest.
He freake out and told me he was going to kill the other person and me with him. Then he called my parents who are sick, dad with cancer and mother with a neurolgical disorder, and told them that their daughter was screwing everyone she saw, and that he was going to go and "get her" and bring her back home. You can imagine what my parents were like. Freaking out. My mom called my cell phone and told me to get out of the place I was in and leave town until he calmed down. So that is what my other and me did. We left town until my husband wasnt anywhere near us.
He called my phone though and used every word he could on me hoping to get me to go with him. I was scared and crying. So my coworker got on the phone and tried to calm him down and it seemed to work a bit. Then my husband said he was going to kill both of us. Do I really think this was going to happen? No but I wasnt taking a chance. I went home packed a bag and left.

There was a lot of signs I missed when we were dating. He would lie and when I would say I thought he was he would call me crazy. Crazy and stupid for thinking such things, But then I would find out he lied and he wouldd say it was my fault because I get upset too easy so he didnt want to listen to me. I believed this.
He cheated on me and told me if I was more affectionate he wouldnt have to.
I asked him once if I asked him to stop doing drugs if he was going to lose me and he chose drugs over me.

So that is the shot story of it. Oh there is a ton more but this kills me to have to think about how dumb I was and didnt see the signs.

My question to anyone who would like to read and offer some adive is

What are the after effects? I am not with him yet I still beleive the things he said and I still beleive he can harm me emotionally.

I am in a relationship now with my coworker and have been for six months now and it seems to be going good, but I have a big trust issue.
How can I work on this?

Thank you

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
See my reply to your other post, Cathy.

You're certainly not crazy to feel this way. In time, you will learn to trust other people and even yourself again but it does take time.


Your not dumb this is a very common thing many people stay in relationships like this and don't think anything about it, I have done that myself (not a marriage as I have never been married but with relationships yes).

And being bitter and upset unfortuneately is a natural reaction.

Hope you sort through it.

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