I don't know where or how to begin. I looked up this site becasue I was desperate to talk to someone who might understand or be able to offer me something. I guess the bottom line is - my anger and my fear is destroying me and I've tried everything I know how to get out of it, but it just drags me down deeper and deeper.
I've been married to my husband for 25 years - dated for 2 - so I've known my in-laws for 27 years. They have never liked me and when we announced we were getting married, my husbands parents said "Why would you want to marrya girl like her?" I thought that they meant I was a slut or something - and I wasnt'. I was a nice girl - a virgin - hardly dated - so I was confused and hurt by that. Over the past 25 years they have treated me like dirt. Basic courtesies that you would afford a stranger are not wasted on me. I treid everything to try and get them to like me but finally realized that the problem was not with me, but with them. Then one Christmas, all hell broke loose - I dared to challenge their offensive attitude and rude comments to me. I was treated to some choice name calling then my father in-law proceeded to verbally abuse me so visiously that I was left completely brutalized. It was the first time in my life that I had been shamed. And it was revealed taht what they had meant by "that kind of girl" was that I had been born illegitimately and had no family. I know the logic of their thinking is right off the wall - especially when you consider that their daughter is a lesbian and her partner seems quite welcome in the family and that their youngest son is one of the sleeziest guys I know. I, on the other hand, have had a nice family, raised three responsible, great children - but I'm unacceptable becasue of my birth.
Since that Christmas, I have been struggling with fear - that I would be hurt again - and have built walls and defense mechanisms around me to keep out anything hurtful. I have removed my vulnerability from my personality and keep myself isolated from people. I don't make new friends and the old ones I have, I keep at a distance. As for my husband - he sat there and said and did nothing to stop the attack. I have pulled away from my husband - not only does he remind me of his father, but his constant relationship with them threatens me. What I needed form him was to feel his protection - but I didn't. I've told him the extent of how they have hurt me, but the bottom line is - they're his parents. I struggle daily with putting one foot ahead of the other - trying to pretend that I'm OK but I'm not. I feel completely lonely and isolated and yes - thoughts of suicide give me comfort. I have thrown out any pills in the house that would tempt me when I'm depressed - but I know that I'm getting sadder by the day. And when I'm not sad - I feel rage. Rage that I keep inside. There is no one to talk to about this. No way to get my rage out. I feel as though I need a way to express all the anger at my in-laws - but I dont' know how. So I keep it inside and it eats away at me. I need to know how to escape from all of this.
The extra twist is that my daughter is getting amrried this summer - and although I'm excited for her - i have spent everyday dreading and afraid of how I will handle having my in-laws here. It angers me that they have taken up so much space in my head - but I have not been able to find a way to escape it. They torment me - inside my head - everyday.
Anyway - I guess that's it. I was just wondering if there was anyone who had any idea how I could battle this - win over it - or find some peace about it. And don't tell me to forgive them - I've tried that.
I've been married to my husband for 25 years - dated for 2 - so I've known my in-laws for 27 years. They have never liked me and when we announced we were getting married, my husbands parents said "Why would you want to marrya girl like her?" I thought that they meant I was a slut or something - and I wasnt'. I was a nice girl - a virgin - hardly dated - so I was confused and hurt by that. Over the past 25 years they have treated me like dirt. Basic courtesies that you would afford a stranger are not wasted on me. I treid everything to try and get them to like me but finally realized that the problem was not with me, but with them. Then one Christmas, all hell broke loose - I dared to challenge their offensive attitude and rude comments to me. I was treated to some choice name calling then my father in-law proceeded to verbally abuse me so visiously that I was left completely brutalized. It was the first time in my life that I had been shamed. And it was revealed taht what they had meant by "that kind of girl" was that I had been born illegitimately and had no family. I know the logic of their thinking is right off the wall - especially when you consider that their daughter is a lesbian and her partner seems quite welcome in the family and that their youngest son is one of the sleeziest guys I know. I, on the other hand, have had a nice family, raised three responsible, great children - but I'm unacceptable becasue of my birth.
Since that Christmas, I have been struggling with fear - that I would be hurt again - and have built walls and defense mechanisms around me to keep out anything hurtful. I have removed my vulnerability from my personality and keep myself isolated from people. I don't make new friends and the old ones I have, I keep at a distance. As for my husband - he sat there and said and did nothing to stop the attack. I have pulled away from my husband - not only does he remind me of his father, but his constant relationship with them threatens me. What I needed form him was to feel his protection - but I didn't. I've told him the extent of how they have hurt me, but the bottom line is - they're his parents. I struggle daily with putting one foot ahead of the other - trying to pretend that I'm OK but I'm not. I feel completely lonely and isolated and yes - thoughts of suicide give me comfort. I have thrown out any pills in the house that would tempt me when I'm depressed - but I know that I'm getting sadder by the day. And when I'm not sad - I feel rage. Rage that I keep inside. There is no one to talk to about this. No way to get my rage out. I feel as though I need a way to express all the anger at my in-laws - but I dont' know how. So I keep it inside and it eats away at me. I need to know how to escape from all of this.
The extra twist is that my daughter is getting amrried this summer - and although I'm excited for her - i have spent everyday dreading and afraid of how I will handle having my in-laws here. It angers me that they have taken up so much space in my head - but I have not been able to find a way to escape it. They torment me - inside my head - everyday.
Anyway - I guess that's it. I was just wondering if there was anyone who had any idea how I could battle this - win over it - or find some peace about it. And don't tell me to forgive them - I've tried that.
