The Dating Fantasy
by Dr. Dan Bochner
What you see is what you get! Right? Well... not exactly. It’s interesting to think about how people fall in love. Typically, when two people “fall” they really don’t know much about each other. When it comes to the first few dates, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. I don’t just mean that we all have different tastes (although that is certainly true). I mean that who we perceive the other person to be is truly a fantasy that comes primarily from within our own minds. In fact, with respect to falling in love, it could be said, what you see is what you want.
When we become infatuated with someone, without really knowing much about that person, we allow our desires or fears to dominate our view of them. If a new person seems kind and we have a need for kindness, then we feel sure that the other person is very kind. When we have that need for kindness we are also likely to assign a thousand other wonderful attributes. On the other hand, if that same person seems kind, and we tend to be distrustful, or if we fear becoming intimate too quickly, or if we find ourselves most attracted to only very “strong” people, then we think they are trying to manipulate, or that they are too naive, or that they are too needy.
The truth of the matter is that we see people for who they really are only with time. The more experience we have with someone, the more we know that their actions truly reflect their general tendencies. When we first meet someone, not only are we likely to see what we want to see, but they are most likely going to show us what we want to see. It’s not that people are intentionally duplicitous in hiding their true nature (although that does happen often). Rather, most people simply try to portray themselves in the most positive light when they first meet someone of interest. If you find someone interesting and you want to know them better, it would be really weird if you immediately revealed those attributes you think them most likely to despise. Right?
Sometimes it takes a really long time for people to reveal their true selves. Some people are especially good at managing the impression others have of them. That might even be something that others find attractive. Usually, for example, people who spend a lot of time on their physical appearance, including the material items with which they surround themselves (clothes, cars, restaurants, etc...) are pretty good at managing the impression that others develop. Sometimes, however, they have spent so much time perfecting the image they project that as soon as they feel comfortable enough to act naturally, they turn out to be very different than what they had presented (sometimes angry, sometimes controlling, sometimes vulnerable or dependent, but generally very different).
Image, however, can be important enough in the eye of the beholder that the real personality underneath, although less than perfect, can be tolerated if the image is powerful enough to meet other needs. In the final analysis, whether or not someone is acceptable in the long term will depend upon a balance of their attributes, both those projected and those hidden. Do they provide security, are they good looking, are they respectful, thoughtful, strong, angry, neglectful, caring, arrogant, etc... The problem is, we don’t weigh things very evenly when we are in the midst of the dating fantasy. Infatuation is like a drug. Because we see exactly what we need, we simply cannot get enough. Even if something doesn't seem quite right, our love and desire keep us going back for more. We feel compelled and compulsive. We feel like we must. We feel we can’t help it.
When people fall in love, in a way they fall in love with themselves. They have an idea in their head that what would cure their ailments or complete their lives is directly before them. They will lie to themselves about what they experience so that the fantasy stays alive. But I do not write this to discourage falling in love. It is perhaps the best feeling in the world and, in fact, it is not induced by drugs. Everyone should enjoy falling in love, and they should make it last as long as possible. The only danger is in making life lasting decisions too fast. Because the dating fantasy is dangerous, because we can tend to be too rash when we’re feeling so good, it is essential that we take our time with relationships. Until you have dealt with some difficulties in your mate, until you’ve had a few arguments, or have had to tell yourself you’re okay with some of the things that you don’t like so much about your partner, you have not waited long enough.
When you’re ready to make long term decisions, I hope you will be sharing moments of fantasy and fun. I hope you will still be infatuated with your partner. But if you have not yet seen some behavior about which you’re not quite sure, or if you’re looking past disrespect, aggressiveness, or certain behaviors that make you feel horrible just because sometimes you feel great, then you are still too much in the fantasy zone to make the decisions you’re making. Meanwhile, enjoy your fantasy, enjoy the one you’re with, and allow yourself to experience the dating fantasy with all its amazing emotions and fantastical wonders. If you are in your dating years, and you’re just like most everyone else, I don’t think you can help it.
Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I'm a psychologist and author of two books, one published 10 years ago entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy, and the second not yet published entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health. This second book is currently available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com.
by Dr. Dan Bochner
What you see is what you get! Right? Well... not exactly. It’s interesting to think about how people fall in love. Typically, when two people “fall” they really don’t know much about each other. When it comes to the first few dates, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. I don’t just mean that we all have different tastes (although that is certainly true). I mean that who we perceive the other person to be is truly a fantasy that comes primarily from within our own minds. In fact, with respect to falling in love, it could be said, what you see is what you want.
When we become infatuated with someone, without really knowing much about that person, we allow our desires or fears to dominate our view of them. If a new person seems kind and we have a need for kindness, then we feel sure that the other person is very kind. When we have that need for kindness we are also likely to assign a thousand other wonderful attributes. On the other hand, if that same person seems kind, and we tend to be distrustful, or if we fear becoming intimate too quickly, or if we find ourselves most attracted to only very “strong” people, then we think they are trying to manipulate, or that they are too naive, or that they are too needy.
The truth of the matter is that we see people for who they really are only with time. The more experience we have with someone, the more we know that their actions truly reflect their general tendencies. When we first meet someone, not only are we likely to see what we want to see, but they are most likely going to show us what we want to see. It’s not that people are intentionally duplicitous in hiding their true nature (although that does happen often). Rather, most people simply try to portray themselves in the most positive light when they first meet someone of interest. If you find someone interesting and you want to know them better, it would be really weird if you immediately revealed those attributes you think them most likely to despise. Right?
Sometimes it takes a really long time for people to reveal their true selves. Some people are especially good at managing the impression others have of them. That might even be something that others find attractive. Usually, for example, people who spend a lot of time on their physical appearance, including the material items with which they surround themselves (clothes, cars, restaurants, etc...) are pretty good at managing the impression that others develop. Sometimes, however, they have spent so much time perfecting the image they project that as soon as they feel comfortable enough to act naturally, they turn out to be very different than what they had presented (sometimes angry, sometimes controlling, sometimes vulnerable or dependent, but generally very different).
Image, however, can be important enough in the eye of the beholder that the real personality underneath, although less than perfect, can be tolerated if the image is powerful enough to meet other needs. In the final analysis, whether or not someone is acceptable in the long term will depend upon a balance of their attributes, both those projected and those hidden. Do they provide security, are they good looking, are they respectful, thoughtful, strong, angry, neglectful, caring, arrogant, etc... The problem is, we don’t weigh things very evenly when we are in the midst of the dating fantasy. Infatuation is like a drug. Because we see exactly what we need, we simply cannot get enough. Even if something doesn't seem quite right, our love and desire keep us going back for more. We feel compelled and compulsive. We feel like we must. We feel we can’t help it.
When people fall in love, in a way they fall in love with themselves. They have an idea in their head that what would cure their ailments or complete their lives is directly before them. They will lie to themselves about what they experience so that the fantasy stays alive. But I do not write this to discourage falling in love. It is perhaps the best feeling in the world and, in fact, it is not induced by drugs. Everyone should enjoy falling in love, and they should make it last as long as possible. The only danger is in making life lasting decisions too fast. Because the dating fantasy is dangerous, because we can tend to be too rash when we’re feeling so good, it is essential that we take our time with relationships. Until you have dealt with some difficulties in your mate, until you’ve had a few arguments, or have had to tell yourself you’re okay with some of the things that you don’t like so much about your partner, you have not waited long enough.
When you’re ready to make long term decisions, I hope you will be sharing moments of fantasy and fun. I hope you will still be infatuated with your partner. But if you have not yet seen some behavior about which you’re not quite sure, or if you’re looking past disrespect, aggressiveness, or certain behaviors that make you feel horrible just because sometimes you feel great, then you are still too much in the fantasy zone to make the decisions you’re making. Meanwhile, enjoy your fantasy, enjoy the one you’re with, and allow yourself to experience the dating fantasy with all its amazing emotions and fantastical wonders. If you are in your dating years, and you’re just like most everyone else, I don’t think you can help it.
Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I'm a psychologist and author of two books, one published 10 years ago entitled The Therapist's Use of Self in Family Therapy, and the second not yet published entitled The Emotional Toolbox: A Manual for Mental Health. This second book is currently available in its entirety on my website, DrBochner.com.
