David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The Fear of Feeling
by Margaret Paul, PhD, Mental Health Matters
February 3, 2009
We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don?t. We put it off for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving?
I have searched for many years for the answer to this question. Over and over I would find myself out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress. Each time it was because I failed to take care of myself in some way.
The problem is that all feelings are in the same box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy as well.
What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are often in pain, it doesn?t seem to make sense that we are, at the same time as we are feeling all this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly what we are doing.
As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding pain that we believe is even greater than the pain we are feeling.
I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness.
Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are disconnected from God. Loneliness is what we feel when we cannot connect with another, either because our heart is closed, their heart is closed, or both of our hearts are closed. Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we want to connect with another and his or her heart is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can do to make them open their heart. Helplessness is what we feel when we accept our lack of control over others.
When we were babies and small children, we couldn?t allow ourselves to feel these feelings. We could not have handled them and may have died of despair. So we learned many protections to avoid feeling these feelings.
The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God will not be there and we will feel alone. We get angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV, get busy, overwork and so on to avoid feeling the pain of our loneliness and helplessness.
Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable. There are so many people who spend their lives with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that it is impossible not to be around people whose hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness, then we too will close our heart. However, when we close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and hurt that is endemic in our society.
You will not die if you open to feeling your loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite tolerable if you hold your lonely Inner Child (your feeling self) while bringing through love from Spirit, for then you are not alone in your loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy, peace, and freedom. The more you open to spiritual help in your loneliness, the more you are able to embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of evolving your soul. There is great joy in the journey, even when there is loneliness!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including:
by Margaret Paul, PhD, Mental Health Matters
February 3, 2009
We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don?t. We put it off for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving?
I have searched for many years for the answer to this question. Over and over I would find myself out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress. Each time it was because I failed to take care of myself in some way.
The problem is that all feelings are in the same box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy as well.
What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are often in pain, it doesn?t seem to make sense that we are, at the same time as we are feeling all this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly what we are doing.
As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding pain that we believe is even greater than the pain we are feeling.
I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness.
Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are disconnected from God. Loneliness is what we feel when we cannot connect with another, either because our heart is closed, their heart is closed, or both of our hearts are closed. Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we want to connect with another and his or her heart is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can do to make them open their heart. Helplessness is what we feel when we accept our lack of control over others.
When we were babies and small children, we couldn?t allow ourselves to feel these feelings. We could not have handled them and may have died of despair. So we learned many protections to avoid feeling these feelings.
The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God will not be there and we will feel alone. We get angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV, get busy, overwork and so on to avoid feeling the pain of our loneliness and helplessness.
Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable. There are so many people who spend their lives with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that it is impossible not to be around people whose hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness, then we too will close our heart. However, when we close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and hurt that is endemic in our society.
You will not die if you open to feeling your loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite tolerable if you hold your lonely Inner Child (your feeling self) while bringing through love from Spirit, for then you are not alone in your loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy, peace, and freedom. The more you open to spiritual help in your loneliness, the more you are able to embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of evolving your soul. There is great joy in the journey, even when there is loneliness!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Dr. Margaret Paul is the author/co-author of numerous best-selling books, including:
