Hi everyone,
I seem to repeat the same behaviour time and time again when it comes to intimate relationships and it`s all about trust,which then leads to paranoia...I have the rational mind on one side telling me not to be so silly and to stop imagining things that haven`t even happened,then on the other side i have the voice of fear that seems to always win,the voice that`s the loudest,it treats the voice of reason with utter contempt,viewing it as a weak fool that is open to being abused and taken advantage of,so it then restricts me from living the life that i would love to live.
I get so tired of it all,again and again have i ruined relationships with my mistrust,at first they all start of really well,i`m happy and relaxed and full of optimism about the future with the new partner,i visualise being with that person and being very happy and content,but then gradually as i open up and get deeper into it the voice of fear starts to make itself heard...When i say voice i don`t mean literally,i don`t hear it with my ears but think it in my head.
Even when it`s obvious that my partner is deeply in love with me the voice gets louder,i`m aware of this and try my best to overcome it,in my heart i know that the fear of being deceived isn`t real but just a fear,an imagining,a scenario created in my mind that i let run free to destroy.
It`s only really when i`m intimately involved with someone that i have these terrible trust issues,when it`s just someone that i`m associated with or family then it not there,but i seem to have trouble with friends too,in my experience i have had many that i thought were friends that turned out to be users and back stabbers that had no loyalty at all,and this i know to be true.
I always gave my trust completely,i was naive and not ready for the world,innocent to the core and through experienced learned that all is not always as it seems,the smiles not always true,the pat on the backs were really knives going in.The world i grew up in as a teenager was one filled with drugs,one filled with deceit and lies...In this world i soon learned how to survive.
Even as a child i would give my toys away to gain friends,but when they got what they wanted and knew they were not going to get anymore they would soon leave,i behaved the same with drugs,sharing them with people who i thought were my friends who in return would leave me hanging when i needed a fix.
I found the same experiences when i fell in love with a drug user too,she used me,she was with me for all the wrong reasons and i was with her out of a desperation to be loved,to be happy and to be settled,i wanted to start a family which she knew,so from time to time she would push her belly out and show me how she might look when pregnant,stringing me along with false hope of a dream to come true,whilst using my money to buy drink and drugs and sleeping with my so called friends for the same thing...I never had proof but in my mind i knew,and later after we had split i was told thats what was happening,but during that time she had me believe that it was all in my head,that i was taking too many drugs and imagining all these things,which would be a very good way of pulling the wool over someones eyes by making them believe that it was all their fault,i even used to feel terrible guilt and that i was loosing my mind,which i think i may have been anyway.
So with all that,how does anyone really know the person they are with? My father cheated on my mother when i was still in the womb,my sister cheated on her husband for another man,my other sisters husband was cheating on her...All you see on the television is people cheating on each other,deceit,lies and manipulation.
But i think the one woman who has got to really know me,who loves me dearly has unfortunately been a victim of my fears,she has been pushed away by my problem,but still the voice of fear tells me she may have been lying,that the love she professed to me daily was but a way of lowering my defences so as to be manipulated easily.Reason though,and my heart says different,so i am at war with myself all the time,i have become my own worst enemy,i have become like a cancer that has turned on itself,slowly eating away all thats good.
God help me and God give me strength!
I seem to repeat the same behaviour time and time again when it comes to intimate relationships and it`s all about trust,which then leads to paranoia...I have the rational mind on one side telling me not to be so silly and to stop imagining things that haven`t even happened,then on the other side i have the voice of fear that seems to always win,the voice that`s the loudest,it treats the voice of reason with utter contempt,viewing it as a weak fool that is open to being abused and taken advantage of,so it then restricts me from living the life that i would love to live.
I get so tired of it all,again and again have i ruined relationships with my mistrust,at first they all start of really well,i`m happy and relaxed and full of optimism about the future with the new partner,i visualise being with that person and being very happy and content,but then gradually as i open up and get deeper into it the voice of fear starts to make itself heard...When i say voice i don`t mean literally,i don`t hear it with my ears but think it in my head.
Even when it`s obvious that my partner is deeply in love with me the voice gets louder,i`m aware of this and try my best to overcome it,in my heart i know that the fear of being deceived isn`t real but just a fear,an imagining,a scenario created in my mind that i let run free to destroy.
It`s only really when i`m intimately involved with someone that i have these terrible trust issues,when it`s just someone that i`m associated with or family then it not there,but i seem to have trouble with friends too,in my experience i have had many that i thought were friends that turned out to be users and back stabbers that had no loyalty at all,and this i know to be true.
I always gave my trust completely,i was naive and not ready for the world,innocent to the core and through experienced learned that all is not always as it seems,the smiles not always true,the pat on the backs were really knives going in.The world i grew up in as a teenager was one filled with drugs,one filled with deceit and lies...In this world i soon learned how to survive.
Even as a child i would give my toys away to gain friends,but when they got what they wanted and knew they were not going to get anymore they would soon leave,i behaved the same with drugs,sharing them with people who i thought were my friends who in return would leave me hanging when i needed a fix.
I found the same experiences when i fell in love with a drug user too,she used me,she was with me for all the wrong reasons and i was with her out of a desperation to be loved,to be happy and to be settled,i wanted to start a family which she knew,so from time to time she would push her belly out and show me how she might look when pregnant,stringing me along with false hope of a dream to come true,whilst using my money to buy drink and drugs and sleeping with my so called friends for the same thing...I never had proof but in my mind i knew,and later after we had split i was told thats what was happening,but during that time she had me believe that it was all in my head,that i was taking too many drugs and imagining all these things,which would be a very good way of pulling the wool over someones eyes by making them believe that it was all their fault,i even used to feel terrible guilt and that i was loosing my mind,which i think i may have been anyway.
So with all that,how does anyone really know the person they are with? My father cheated on my mother when i was still in the womb,my sister cheated on her husband for another man,my other sisters husband was cheating on her...All you see on the television is people cheating on each other,deceit,lies and manipulation.
But i think the one woman who has got to really know me,who loves me dearly has unfortunately been a victim of my fears,she has been pushed away by my problem,but still the voice of fear tells me she may have been lying,that the love she professed to me daily was but a way of lowering my defences so as to be manipulated easily.Reason though,and my heart says different,so i am at war with myself all the time,i have become my own worst enemy,i have become like a cancer that has turned on itself,slowly eating away all thats good.
God help me and God give me strength!
