David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The secret to moving on: Don't overthink
by SARAH HAMPSON, Globe and Mail
Friday, Aug. 21, 2009
How can you recognize what a good relationship is after divorce? The less you think about it, the better it is
"I know what I don't want," Robin Wright Penn tells More magazine in its just-released September issue.
Someone uncork the champagne.
Ms. Wright Penn is talking about her marriage to fellow actor Sean Penn, and their decision (for the third time) to file for divorce. This time it's for good, reportedly.
The decision to leave a marriage is never easy, despite the social tolerance for divorce. The period of deliberation that precedes most splits could be called "the Hamlet years," as one or both of the spouses struggle with a confusing mix of emotions. Ms. Wright Penn's knowledge of what she doesn't want is as powerful as knowing what she does want. And it will also help her move on.
A difficult marriage that ends in divorce is a crucible that can produce sobering insight, not only into self, but into others, and the nature and limitations of love.
And just in case the burgeoning population of exes skip the lessons to be learned, there's a subgenre of romantic relationship books about the subject, including Your Ex-Factor by Stephan Poulter, published this month, and Better Love Next Time by J.M. Kearns, released earlier this year. It's not just about finding The One any more. It's about finding Another One after The One you thought was The One turned out not to be.
Oh yes, it's confusing. And if you don't do the work, they say, you might end up repeating your romantic pattern, because we all have them. Analysis about what went wrong also helps rebuild the trust many lose in their ability to know who and what is good for them.
Recently, when a friend of mine explained her approach to dating post-divorce, I couldn't help but think she was speaking for many. "I'm not interested in getting into a close, committed relationship with anyone," she declared over the rim of her wine glass. She would rather have casual flings.
"I will never make myself vulnerable again. I did that the last time, and look where it landed me," she said.
Here's Mr. Kearns's take on her situation: "When you get together with someone and decide to make them the centre of your life, and you will be the centre of theirs, and you're building everything around them, including children, that is a huge belief system you're creating," says Mr. Kearns, the Canadian-born author who also wrote Why Mr. Right Can't Find You. "And when it falls apart, it can give you the same feeling of vertigo and disorientation and almost madness as that experienced by people who have lost their religion."
The key to recovery, he says, is to have the courage to look at the romantic entrails. "The past remains fresh until you deal with it," warns Mr. Kearns. "And if you don't figure it out, you will sabotage the next relationship."
Failed romantic relationships fall into two categories, he believes: mismatches and good matches that don't work out. The former makes recovery a little easier, he says. But both yield important lessons.
"One of the main reasons that failed relationships damage us so much is that they teach us the wrong lessons," he says. In the case of a mismatch, for example, someone might feel that he or she is inadequate in some way when the relationship fails. "But the real lesson is that there is nothing wrong with you. The match was just wrong."
When good matches fail, the aftermath can feel "more tragic," he says. You had passed the compatibility test, after all - but the reason could be as simple as one person not being ready for commitment. Sometimes it's a matter of not having fulfilled a career dream, he says, or it could be simply an issue of emotional immaturity.
I know what you're thinking. As a divorced person, you have to build up a tolerance for such psychobabble. Everybody seems to be hawking some kind of advice to repair your heart.
People like Dr. Poulter say that it's not enough for Ms. Wright Penn to know what she doesn't want. She needs to delve into her childhood and think about which parent she subconsciously married, because that's what he believes we all do.
The Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist also highlights the importance of identifying what a person needs to feel loved.
"It's one of the first things you have to know. How each of us needs to be loved - whether it's touch or a gesture or the importance of sex - is like an individual language," he says. "And it's almost arrogant to assume that you speak the same language as another person. It needs to be communicated, and the other person needs to listen and take it seriously."
I'm not saying people don't need to know these things. They do.
But if the heavy-handed advice makes you feel tired, even infantilized, you're not alone. Books of this kind make love sound like a project more complicated than getting a human to Mars. Everyone who has been through divorce knows how significant a loss it is. It's a wake-up call. But the recovery process can be burdened with over-thinking.
As Ms. Wright Penn joins the legion of exes who want to avoid what they fell for in a previous spouse, she might benefit from the wisdom in recognizing that no two people are exactly the same. How Mr. Penn was right or wrong for her will not be the same as how the next guy will be right or wrong. The puzzle of his personality traits will be different, and they will fit (or not) with hers in a unique way.
Love should be simple. And frankly, until you find somebody with whom it is, it's better to be single. What's the litmus test for knowing you have a healthy new love after a failed relationship? An absence of thought. It works because it does, because you feel good.
But don't expect to hear that from any self-help author. It's a simple sentence, not enough material for a book priced at 25 bucks.
by SARAH HAMPSON, Globe and Mail
Friday, Aug. 21, 2009
How can you recognize what a good relationship is after divorce? The less you think about it, the better it is
"I know what I don't want," Robin Wright Penn tells More magazine in its just-released September issue.
Someone uncork the champagne.
Ms. Wright Penn is talking about her marriage to fellow actor Sean Penn, and their decision (for the third time) to file for divorce. This time it's for good, reportedly.
The decision to leave a marriage is never easy, despite the social tolerance for divorce. The period of deliberation that precedes most splits could be called "the Hamlet years," as one or both of the spouses struggle with a confusing mix of emotions. Ms. Wright Penn's knowledge of what she doesn't want is as powerful as knowing what she does want. And it will also help her move on.
A difficult marriage that ends in divorce is a crucible that can produce sobering insight, not only into self, but into others, and the nature and limitations of love.
And just in case the burgeoning population of exes skip the lessons to be learned, there's a subgenre of romantic relationship books about the subject, including Your Ex-Factor by Stephan Poulter, published this month, and Better Love Next Time by J.M. Kearns, released earlier this year. It's not just about finding The One any more. It's about finding Another One after The One you thought was The One turned out not to be.
Oh yes, it's confusing. And if you don't do the work, they say, you might end up repeating your romantic pattern, because we all have them. Analysis about what went wrong also helps rebuild the trust many lose in their ability to know who and what is good for them.
Recently, when a friend of mine explained her approach to dating post-divorce, I couldn't help but think she was speaking for many. "I'm not interested in getting into a close, committed relationship with anyone," she declared over the rim of her wine glass. She would rather have casual flings.
"I will never make myself vulnerable again. I did that the last time, and look where it landed me," she said.
Here's Mr. Kearns's take on her situation: "When you get together with someone and decide to make them the centre of your life, and you will be the centre of theirs, and you're building everything around them, including children, that is a huge belief system you're creating," says Mr. Kearns, the Canadian-born author who also wrote Why Mr. Right Can't Find You. "And when it falls apart, it can give you the same feeling of vertigo and disorientation and almost madness as that experienced by people who have lost their religion."
The key to recovery, he says, is to have the courage to look at the romantic entrails. "The past remains fresh until you deal with it," warns Mr. Kearns. "And if you don't figure it out, you will sabotage the next relationship."
Failed romantic relationships fall into two categories, he believes: mismatches and good matches that don't work out. The former makes recovery a little easier, he says. But both yield important lessons.
"One of the main reasons that failed relationships damage us so much is that they teach us the wrong lessons," he says. In the case of a mismatch, for example, someone might feel that he or she is inadequate in some way when the relationship fails. "But the real lesson is that there is nothing wrong with you. The match was just wrong."
When good matches fail, the aftermath can feel "more tragic," he says. You had passed the compatibility test, after all - but the reason could be as simple as one person not being ready for commitment. Sometimes it's a matter of not having fulfilled a career dream, he says, or it could be simply an issue of emotional immaturity.
I know what you're thinking. As a divorced person, you have to build up a tolerance for such psychobabble. Everybody seems to be hawking some kind of advice to repair your heart.
People like Dr. Poulter say that it's not enough for Ms. Wright Penn to know what she doesn't want. She needs to delve into her childhood and think about which parent she subconsciously married, because that's what he believes we all do.
The Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist also highlights the importance of identifying what a person needs to feel loved.
"It's one of the first things you have to know. How each of us needs to be loved - whether it's touch or a gesture or the importance of sex - is like an individual language," he says. "And it's almost arrogant to assume that you speak the same language as another person. It needs to be communicated, and the other person needs to listen and take it seriously."
I'm not saying people don't need to know these things. They do.
But if the heavy-handed advice makes you feel tired, even infantilized, you're not alone. Books of this kind make love sound like a project more complicated than getting a human to Mars. Everyone who has been through divorce knows how significant a loss it is. It's a wake-up call. But the recovery process can be burdened with over-thinking.
As Ms. Wright Penn joins the legion of exes who want to avoid what they fell for in a previous spouse, she might benefit from the wisdom in recognizing that no two people are exactly the same. How Mr. Penn was right or wrong for her will not be the same as how the next guy will be right or wrong. The puzzle of his personality traits will be different, and they will fit (or not) with hers in a unique way.
Love should be simple. And frankly, until you find somebody with whom it is, it's better to be single. What's the litmus test for knowing you have a healthy new love after a failed relationship? An absence of thought. It works because it does, because you feel good.
But don't expect to hear that from any self-help author. It's a simple sentence, not enough material for a book priced at 25 bucks.
