The Shame of Imperfection: A Way Out

[David Baxter PhD]

The Shame of Imperfection: A Way Out
by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
June 22, 2010

A Plea for Imperfection [/I]and I thought it worthwhile to dovetail on this because it may just be one of the most important topics of our society. Whether we're struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, or any other form of trauma, a message often gets embedded in our brains that we are somehow defective or deficient. In other words, there is a sense of shame that we feel that is intolerable.

Zen Master Dogen Zenji said, "To be in harmony with the wholeness of things is not to have anxiety over imperfections."

I believe that's what Allan's post is pointing toward, to be at peace with our imperfections.

The question is, how do we do this?

Working with shame can be tricky as most of us are unaware that our struggle with our imperfections is about having a sense of unworthiness. Under thoughts of unworthiness is often the feeling of shame.

I'm a bit partial to Tara Brach's book on Radical Acceptance that goes over this in detail, giving a variety of practices that help guide us through ways to learn how to recognize and embrace this feeling rather than ignoring or hating it.

I often say to the people I work with, imagine that feeling is a little part of you, how is it feeling? The responses are usually something like, "insecure," "not well," or "hurt." Then I follow with, "If you had a good friend who was feeling any of those things how would hating or wanting to kick him or her out, be helpful toward their healing?"

The answer is often, "It would make them feel worse." So I follow with, "What would be helpful for this friend?" The answers that often follow are "taking care of her, being with her, holding her hand."

I then say, "That is exactly what your feeling needs."

Feelings often manifest in a physical way. If you're not feeling well emotionally, find where you experience that in the body and just see if you can acknowledge this feeling and imagine yourself either cradling it like a baby or holding its hand. In other words, just be with it, even if only for a few minutes.

What does this do? This sends the message internally that you care enough about yourself to be with yourself, it also begins to prove to you through experience that you don't always have to run from your shame.

Through learning how to approach, be with, and even embrace the feeling you will transform it for tomorrow.

 

[Daniel E.]

Radical Self-Compassion with Tara Brach- NICABM

www.nicabm.com

Is it possible to reverse deeply held feelings of self-judgment, blame, and anger?

Many people believe the only way they can change is to be tough on themselves.

The problem is, some people can become almost paralyzed with self-judgment and rigid thinking – and this can create even more suffering.

After a while, these difficult feelings can grind down on our nervous system and leave us simply exhausted.

Not only that, but this way of being can have a severe impact on both ourselves and others. That’s because we can tend to adopt the same harsh strategy – judgment and blame – in many of our relationships.

We think we are bettering ourselves. And when we judge others, we can imagine it will help the other person better themselves.

But it rarely works.

So how do we work with the self-criticism and toxic judgment that keeps us from being our most alive, most authentic and loving selves?

Through the powerful practice of mindfulness.

Scientific research has shown that mindfulness and compassion can literally change the structure of the brain, and enable us to disrupt ingrained patterns of reactivity, judgment, and defensiveness. Not only that . . .

Mindfulness and compassion have been shown to be particularly effective at countering the harsh inner critic that keeps us stuck – it can prime the mind and body to let go of judgmental thoughts and painful emotions.

Applying the right practices at the right time can be the key to cultivating compassion and healing these difficult feelings.

This might sound simple, but . . .

Change requires deep work.

And cultivating compassion – the kind of deep, true compassion that can overcome self-judgment and finally bring relief to our suffering – that can be challenging....