The Stigma

[bloodwood]

My sister said to me that she realized that no matter what she took it wasn't fixing things. This helped her pull out of the life. This brilliant young friend of yours may come to that realization. But you wish you could show her the shortcut around the interval of pain. Everything you say about her says a super special soul worth saving.

I am not sure if it gets easier. I am inclined to think so. As we get older and deal with more things in our lives and around our lives it seems to make us stronger and more able to cope. The skills I have now and my responses improve each year. There is still a lot of yucky stuff but the overall picture seems to improve as we evolve.

You are a person that works very very hard at it. You are honest with yourself and others. You have an emmense amount of experience in life and the system. You give readily of yourself. All of that investment has to lead to a level of Peace at some point. You see the pain in others and yourself. You can offer help. Feel the pain. But can still have a sense of peace and rightness that you are doing everything possible for the right reasons. Do you take time for your self?

 

[CarlaMarie]

You are so kind, Peter. I am in a recovery program where the concept is to pass it on. Where helping others is the foundation but you got to have it to give it away. There are parts of my life where I have "it" together and parts where I don't. It depends on the day. Then I am married, have three kids, a dog, and two cats. I have found it all to be overwhelming at times.

Do I have time for me would seem like a simple question but it takes work in a family like mine and is a topic in therapy all the time. I have to go hang out in my car some where to get that uninterrupted time and space so I can chill. There is always something going on and it isn't just that it is a lack of respect for personal boundaries. It annoys me. But thanks for asking.

 

[bloodwood]

It depends on the day. Then I am married, have three kids, a dog, and two cats. I have found it all to be overwhelming at times.

This seems all the more reason to take time for you to recenter and gather your energies. You drive away in your car for a bit. What about a massage. Go to the library. Take yoga. Something that physically pulls you away from the demands and makes you the center for even a short time.
If it is annoying you then it is past the point where it needs to be done. You have to grant yourself that release even if there is protest. It is healthy and you deserve it.
Just my thoughts. Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

You are persistent, Peter. And of course right on. Yoga and or some form of consistent exercise. I have actually made a decision that I need to do it, want to do it, like it when I am doing it but I don't do it. I'll put it on my list of things to do. Thank you!

 

[bloodwood]

You are persistent, Peter. And of course right on. Yoga and or some form of consistent exercise. I have actually made a decision that I need to do it, want to do it, like it when I am doing it but I don't do it. I'll put it on my list of things to do. Thank you!

I also do not always practice what I preach. My nice alone time is in my work shop and I do it alot when it is warm enough (not much in Jan & Feb). But I also know that excercise, yoga, going to a movie or play all make me feel very good but I am not good at doing it.
I'm sorry if I was overly persistent.
Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

It wasn't meant as criticism please don't take it that way. My quirky sarcastic sense of humor meaning very good, very good point, I don't want to hear it, but I want to hear it. I meant what I said too. Top of the priority list. I thought about it a lot yesterday. I believe people and I am no exception to the rule don't always want to hear what they need to hear.

I need to exercise in a big way. I also need to do few other things. I appreciate your feedback.:2thumbs:

 

[bloodwood]

My girlfriend regularly tells me that: " Peter, sometimes you go too far!" and I know it to be true. I can get carried away, too enthsiastic. No offense taken at all.

I pushed the idea a bit only because I got the real solid idea that it is something you truly seem to need at this point.
Now hearing of your contact with your family and the memories of abuse and all that, it just clarifies things a bit. My sister went way off the deep end when her memories started coming back. That was when we lost her for a few years until she regained some footing.
and I guess all I am saying is that I kind of understand and it appears your own family and mine has a tiny parallel. Two of my other sisters were abused too. All three have dealt in different manners. My heart feels for you. I wish that I could help in some way. The damned part of it is that there is no way to speed up time or know how individual are going to open or respond about the issue.
I just send a cyber hug and a wish for better for you. And a wish that your family can be as supportive as possible for you.
Time and your strength and honesty will get you through all of this. And we are here for you to. Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

Thanks for the hug. I gave up on expectations of support from anyone in my family it wasn't worth it. It is too hard I am hoping time will heal those wounds. I do my best in therapy and work my program. I pray life will get easier for me.

 

[bloodwood]

I have mentioned in other posts how I, and other, adopted family in other modes. As I spend time here this place has some of that.
I feel obvious caring and support here. Within context, it is nurturing.
Does your husband truly understand what is happening with you?
Peter

 

[CarlaMarie]

I have to be honest. We have one of those "toxic" relationships. We fit perfectly together. He has stuff and I have stuff and I keep thinking if we both work a program it will all work out. He breaks my heart, fools me into thinking he has changed, when he hasn't. It has been an illusion when I review the facts. I has happened over and over again.

I keep staying. I kick myself. I am so aware of the cycle af abuse, control or whatever you want to call it. I am pertrified to leave. If I decide to go I have to be on top of my game. That is the most dangerous time.

I set some boundaries with him about yelling at my kids. His response was to lie and decieve me about some buisness trips. He has abandonded his commitment to therapy and to our marriage. He wouldn't even awknowledge the deception.

I'm not doing couple therapy until/unless as long as he works a program and he can be honest. This was part of our agreement for me to commit to stay and work on the marriage. He blew it.

I am working on myself and taking the action necessary to become stronger and more independant. I am revisiting plan B. I am not living as a captive in my own home for much longer.

So to answer your question. I don't trust him. There are others in my life I see in person to whom I get support from. That's nice. There is something to be said about writing for me and connecting to people through the written word that is different. I like it. It is kind of old fashion.

I had a job in a very old library and my job was to fetch books. When I was bored I would hide in the stacks and read the old books. I found it fasinating how people can communicate intimately through the written word. The letters I found were beautiful

 

[bloodwood]

It is one thing that your husband does not participate or actively work towards the goal, but more ditsturbing that he needs to lie. I am glad that you have it in some kind of perspective. I had asked the question hoping that your home offered some kind of support structure. I am sorry.

I too have always found something real, nostalgic, human about writting. I reamember going into an abandoned house in Nova Scotia. I went into the attic and found some very old newspapers. I also found some letters and notes. One, that I treasure, was a poem, maybe a school assignment, written with ink well and pen. The pages were joined by a sewing pin.
The digital days are going to lose something.
Peter

---------- Post added at 08:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:52 AM ----------

And happy Valentines day

 

[Knitwit]

I am lucky to have a job and a boss who generally is understanding of my health problems. I say generally because he listened to me tell him about my bipolar condition and nodded nicely. He does not like to talk about deep things in general and I'm sure that this makes him uncomfortable. I have told some other coworkers about my condition but not all and here's my dilemna. When I need to take a day off for "healing" or "rest", I will often invent a condition for the day like the flu or my car is not working. I am not comfortable with this but I am less comfortable with telling people the real reason for my time off because it would involve a long explanation that I'm not sure would be understood. I guess I feel forced to lie and I don't like it, I don't feel comfortable telling everyone the truth.

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Knitwit
I find that compassionate people who may not fully understand the issue can still find ways to give. Your boss sounds like one of those.

And a little white lie is OK in my book as long as you acknowledge it to yourself which you have. You can also find a long term way to introduce truth to the discussions when you feel it is appropriate.
My solution tends to be to tell everyone because then I don't have to juggle a lie and I feel like it validates me to say things aloud. But my way is not everyone's way.
I have also found that when you tell one person or more, the word gets around through the grapevine. It may only say: this person has a condition. but the word is passed around because we are social beings.
I hope you are having a good day today.
Peter

 

[rdw]

I am now very selective aboout who I tell about my depression and past suicidal thoughts. My close friends and some family members have been very supportive while others have told me "to snap out of it" or accused me of "faking it". Both of those responses made me wary of sharing the information. I am sad that in this day and age with the media campaigns and awareness that we should have, people still don't understand how difficult depression is to cope with at times.