Therapy and Dependence
By Sara, For The World Is Hollow
February 12, 2007
I was supposed to call Mary Ellen (my therapist) this weekend to tell her whether I would get up and work out every morning and then call her–a way to get me out of bed despite this crippling depression. I didn’t call her, and it’s now past 1:00 AM on Monday.
My excuse is that I’m sick. My throat hurts like hell, and the talking thing doesn’t work so well right now.
But that’s not true. The truth is that I have a problem with her proposition. The working out in the morning I don’t have a problem with. It would be good for me, really. It’s the calling her every day thing that I have issues with. I have trust issues. Historically, any time I’ve trusted someone, it’s come back to bite me in the butt.
I know that’s not going to happen now. I am an adult, and I can keep people from hurting me now. My therapist is wonderful; I’ve made more progress in a year with her than I did with all my other ones combined.What terrifies me is dependence. Because I had no healthy models for attachment when I was growing up, I don’t know what’s normal, reasonable, and safe.
See,forming an attachment to someone leaves you open and vulnerable, so for years I just walled myself off, didn’t let anyone get close. I’ve been making progressin therapy, and I’m starting to open up a lot more. I actually want to be close to people. At the same time, though, it terrifies the hell out of me.
I’m afraid that if I start calling Mary Ellen every morning, I’ll become too attached. I’m afraid that if I become attached, I’ll start getting needy. I’m
afraid that if I get needy, I’ll expect her to meet my needs, which isn’t her job. I’m afraid that I’ll become one of those clients who pushes the boundaries way too far with the therapists. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the progress. I’m afraid that if I talk to her every day, she’ll get tired of me. I’m afraid she just won’t like me anymore. I’m afraid that I’ll get attched, and then she’ll leave or hurt me.
I know that I should tell her this. I should just bite the bullet and deal with my meta-therapeutic attachment issues…but I’m afraid of that too. I’m afraid of being laughed at. I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid of feeling stupid.
She even told me, “I don’t do this with clients.” She said it’s something she doesn’t usually do for clients, but she says she sees a lot of promise in me.
The word I keep hearing, though I don’t think she’s said it, is “special.” I don’t want to be “special.” That word has bad connotations for me: my father
called me “special” when he raped me and sold me off to other men. The teachers at school called me “special,” and the other kids beat me up for it. My mother called me “special,” so I was responsible for making everything perfect for her and the family. I don’t want to be special anymore.
Ach. For once I wish I could have a simple, clear-cut issue.
Also, some throat drops.
By Sara, For The World Is Hollow
February 12, 2007
I was supposed to call Mary Ellen (my therapist) this weekend to tell her whether I would get up and work out every morning and then call her–a way to get me out of bed despite this crippling depression. I didn’t call her, and it’s now past 1:00 AM on Monday.
My excuse is that I’m sick. My throat hurts like hell, and the talking thing doesn’t work so well right now.
But that’s not true. The truth is that I have a problem with her proposition. The working out in the morning I don’t have a problem with. It would be good for me, really. It’s the calling her every day thing that I have issues with. I have trust issues. Historically, any time I’ve trusted someone, it’s come back to bite me in the butt.
I know that’s not going to happen now. I am an adult, and I can keep people from hurting me now. My therapist is wonderful; I’ve made more progress in a year with her than I did with all my other ones combined.What terrifies me is dependence. Because I had no healthy models for attachment when I was growing up, I don’t know what’s normal, reasonable, and safe.
See,forming an attachment to someone leaves you open and vulnerable, so for years I just walled myself off, didn’t let anyone get close. I’ve been making progressin therapy, and I’m starting to open up a lot more. I actually want to be close to people. At the same time, though, it terrifies the hell out of me.
I’m afraid that if I start calling Mary Ellen every morning, I’ll become too attached. I’m afraid that if I become attached, I’ll start getting needy. I’m
afraid that if I get needy, I’ll expect her to meet my needs, which isn’t her job. I’m afraid that I’ll become one of those clients who pushes the boundaries way too far with the therapists. I’m afraid I’ll ruin the progress. I’m afraid that if I talk to her every day, she’ll get tired of me. I’m afraid she just won’t like me anymore. I’m afraid that I’ll get attched, and then she’ll leave or hurt me.
I know that I should tell her this. I should just bite the bullet and deal with my meta-therapeutic attachment issues…but I’m afraid of that too. I’m afraid of being laughed at. I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid of feeling stupid.
She even told me, “I don’t do this with clients.” She said it’s something she doesn’t usually do for clients, but she says she sees a lot of promise in me.
The word I keep hearing, though I don’t think she’s said it, is “special.” I don’t want to be “special.” That word has bad connotations for me: my father
called me “special” when he raped me and sold me off to other men. The teachers at school called me “special,” and the other kids beat me up for it. My mother called me “special,” so I was responsible for making everything perfect for her and the family. I don’t want to be special anymore.
Ach. For once I wish I could have a simple, clear-cut issue.
Also, some throat drops.
