Thinking about ending it all

[SilverRaven]

No they do not affect me anymore...like I said I am oh what does the doctor call it...I am resilient to medication after being on them for so long...I adjust to certain medication even quicker than others...I get maybe a couple hours or so thats it...if I even sleep...I have been up for three and four days before getting sleep...so no they dont work...I wish they did...and no we do not have cable or satelite or DSL we have dial up for internet nothing more...as far as t.v. goes we watch the same DVDs day in and day out...or not at all...I miss my cable and broadband very much so and hate this dial up crap I am using..we can not afford such stuff after losing our home...after losing a truck...after all the bills piling up every month...look...I went from a 2088 sq ft home and a carriage style garage with a loft I used as my get away to moving out of state into a tiny tiny 650 sq home that cant even hold all our things...I had to give away pets that I had loved for six years because the landlord said only four cats and one dog...so I have given up so much along with my family to try and make it work and its not working.......we make barely enough to pay the rent and pay the heat and lights...we barely have enough to put food in our house......so no I cant afford a sliding scale so to speak...that 15 and up would put a meal in my house for two days...which some days we are lucky to have ramen noodles for supper...so yes I am feeling really crappy and angry and a whole lot more because I cant do a thing to help him out...I cant work due to my seizures and other crap but yet my disability gets cut..that is why I have had the most outrageous thoughts for a week now...I cant take it anymore...I am living one moment at a time and it is getting no better...one less mouth to feed would be a help at least in my thinking it is...ok I am really upset just thinking of it all agian...and united way is located in other areas of Virginia but not serving my area..so I am told...so yes I have been looking but not finding anything...I guess living in the middle of nowhere miles from anything was a bad idea...and what I am finding online tells me the same thing..they serves certain areas of the state but not close to me...so yes I am trying but oh so ready to jsut say ......it..sorry I am ranting I apologize been doing that alot lately

 

[Daniel E.]

which some days we are lucky to have ramen noodles for supper..

Even if you are not eligible for an EBT card ("food stamps"), most counties have a food bank, such as at a local church. (The FDA prevents its beneficiary food banks from asking people for documentation, so it's usually entirely on the honor system regarding eligibility. And being on SSI is usually more than enough to qualify.) At the food bank I volunteer at, they offer two bags of groceries a month.

 

[SilverRaven]

we use to have an EBT card until he started working..if you working you get nothing...food pantry thou never thought of that...I figured you had to go to church to get help from them or something like that.....I just dont know what else to do...I will call around tomorow and see what that does for us

 

[dazey]

I have tried suicide a few times. {details removed}


I have thought about it a few times after that, but I have too much to live for. I have two wonderful children, wonderful parents, and a loving boyfriend. Oh yeah I have three puppies too. I am getting another one for Christmas. My mother always tells me, be glad you have a roof over your head and food to eat.

I am on disability for bi-polar. I fought for three years to get it. I get $866 a month. Medicare and Medicaid pay for my medications which are $1,000 a month. They pay for my glasses and my teeth. I do not get food stamps. I make too much. I have been having a lot of female problems beside my mental health issues. Life is hard somedays, but if I can get out of bed and do at least one thing a day, I am happy. We are having a storm right now. It is snowing and the winds are blowing 50 mph. I think I will stay in my pajamas tomorrow.

Life is too precious to end. You don't realize how much you hurt your loved ones. {details removed}

Like I said, I live for my kids. They have been through hell with my illness, but they have always stuck beside me. They grew up hard and they grew up fast. My son is going to college to be a teacher for developmentally disabled. My daughter is a waitress and cook. She is also a secretary for Pfizer. She is going to college online to be an elementary teacher.

Hang in there. There are a lot of self-help books out there. And remember, God loves you.

{details removed}

 

[SilverRaven]

ok question...why do people always say you dont realize how much you hurt loved ones or they would be devestated if your gone?..what about all the hurt they cause you?...what about all the hurtful thoughtless alienating things they do to others?...why do we always have to think of them?...we are trying to ease our pain to get rid of it or at least cope better with it but its always about the others..why?...if they are hurt so bad from things like this ..why do they treat us so bad for in the first place?...if they cared in the first place they wouldnt tell you things that drive you over...they wouldnt say I dont want my son around you because you would be a bad inflluence on him and I dont want him to learn things from you...you were not the best parent in the world and I want to be so I am keeping him from you...why say things like that if they love you and would be so hurt by you leaving...why tell you your nobody and worthless if they care so damn much....why would my mother tell me she only adopted me because she felt sorry for me if she really loved me?....why would my mom blame her depression on me and say its my fault if she loved me so much...ok there...so many things people say and do that hurt their so called loved ones......I guess I am sick of people telling me I would hurt them....its always about them them them...what about ME????...I do love my family and want to be here for them but why if all I seem to be is a burden a pain..a mental case as my one child says.......

 

[Andy]

I'm sorry people have said things to hurt you. That is not right. You have children, don't you think it would damage them if you were to "end it all".
Obviously you are talking of your own family, but I (and copious amounts of others)can tell you it is devastating.

I have lost someone to suicide, and yes we both hurt each other a lot, but those "hurts" mean absolutely nothing at all when the person is gone. I'd rather have him here now, having an argument then not having him at all. Then at least if we were to go our separate ways it wouldn't be in such a tragic way. Ten years now. I still think of him almost daily, and it's not necessarily thinking of good memories, a lot of the time it is still pain. It's not something people just "get over."

The very reason people say you will hurt them is because you would no longer be around so that wouldn't make sense. If you want help and get help then people will help you. It wouldn't be about "them" it would be about you.
I am sure you would never intentionally set out to cause your children a lot of pain. Your death whether you think so or not would cause them great pain. That is why it's about them. They are the ones left behind.

 

[SilverRaven]

I have lost friends and family to suicide to...I can see things from both sides of the gate...I understand how the people left behind feel...the thoughts and feelings ....I worked hard with the last therapist and doctor I had for ten years doing everything possible to change my thinking pattern and actions..to living a more productive and useful life not just for myself but for my whole family..cause if I am not well I cant be there for them in many ways they need me to be...so I did it for myself mostly...so I could be happy...no ifs no whys no why and no buts....but now I cant find my way out it seems...I feel like I dug a hole to the other side of Earth and I am now in space floating away...I am plagued with suicidal thoughts day after day..most of the time its just ghost of a thought for a moment and then its gone...but when things get bad like they are now...they linger on and on and on..but being here talking to someone and having them listen without judgement helps..I smiled briefly this morniing over nothing and I thought..just smile and say...I broke one link in the chain for the moment...if thats all I get its good enough for now...for I will break another and another until the chain is gone...I will not be a slave to these emotions no more it will not be my master and commander for I own them..it may not be today..it may not be tomorow...but these chains of burden will be taken down once and for all in due time...and once again I will be in control...I thank you all for listening to my whining..I do that alot...things could be worse I guess...

 

[Always Changing]

.I broke one link in the chain for the moment...if thats all I get its good enough for now...for I will break another and another until the chain is gone...I will not be a slave to these emotions no more it will not be my master and commander for I own them..it may not be today..it may not be tomorow...but these chains of burden will be taken down once and for all in due time...and once again I will be in control..

I so like this, so full of hope, It made me smile today. Thank you