Thinking about shoes

[Wynn Wilder]

I have the hardest time dealing with my agoraphobia sometimes. Large stores like Super Wal-Mart drive me crazy!

However, I have learned a trick to surviving them. (Thanks to my dentist)
As funny as it sounds, when I start panicking or come close to passing out, I start thinking about my shoes. LOL

I know it is the change in my thought process and focus that helps, but the "laughable" aspect of thinking about my shoes has actually gone a long way to decrease my panic attacks when I go to the stores.

It may not be a solution but if it helps.... I'm more then willing to keep doing it.

 

[Czar]

Shoes huh lol

Wynn,

You can borrow my shoes... You would end up looking like bozo the clown in them.... Guaranteed to make you laugh .-)


Czar

 

[mikmik]

Can I think of them too, Czar?I miss you

 

[mikmik]

All these people are phoning and looking for my roomate, and he has been using drugs and bringing all bad stuff here, and I have been trying to help his family but everyone is going crazy and now I am having a panic attack.
I just want to say hi.

I only have one friend left, and he is having a real bad time. His computer got stolen and his girlfriend broke up.
He is in colledge I cant find georges phone number
he has cancer and everything on my computer is lost.

 

[mikmik]

i told a friend that seems to see what I do inside so much, and I am lonelier than I thought.
And it is strange to have someone tell you how much they appreciate you and are special and they are so far away and it is just a vioce on the comuter screen, but it is to real to me.
I don't know how I let myself get so vulnerable to feel like I am in love but worse than ever before when I was alone in 1990. My wife left me and I can sede why I was hurt so bad, because I had based all my worth on her love and acceptance.
But I have been not like trhat since, ever even close.
I have felt never alone again, I was my friend and I let my family be inside with me because I stopped wanting to hurt thwm and myself any more.
But this is so strange now, and even everything changed in my life in two or so years, every single thing that I do to enjoy life, and cope. like sports, and work and drinking and having stufff in common with everyone that we always laugh all the time, but they have all gone into drug places again, or to selfish places and were not what i thought they were mean to me and couldn't hear me when I said it was hurting how they treated me, and they always blame me but that is just because I never get to the place to think of myself first and they always do sooner or later and don't realize it and everyone hurts and then they hurt otghers to be safer intheir heads about something I don't understand.

 

[mikmik]

And I always understand, but nobody has ever understood me as far as I go into the inside, and into the world, and they let me alone af6er a while because I don't know who to tell because I never see them understand what is important to be nice to each othdeer all the time and don't go away if it is hard to see that everyonr gets to places that have anger about another but it is just their behavior, not them, but they hold anger and I dfon't know.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Actually, that's not true, Mik...

You have a lot more than one friend left...

Also remember: "cancer" is a terrible, scary word, but partly because 20 years ago it meant a death sentence - it doesn't mean that any more. Thousands of people every year are successfully treated for cancers that even a decade ago were considered to be incurable.

The only time there is no hope is when we give up hope.

And the only time we are really alone is when we can't see those who are right behind us trying to get our attention...

 

[mikmik]

I am starting to feel a bit better but please don't feel afraid, minstrel, I am not like that ever any more in 1990, I know the safety and belonging is real, and it is in me, I have just not practiced it for a while, but it is to much for anyone to handle without crying and feeling that something is terribly wrong, and I just finally did and it is going away.
My friend from shcool is coming over later, and I just don't sleep, and I am so worried that I really want to be who I am for once and then I get clients and then my computer is invaded by what, and it sounds so unbelieveable that even I am wondering sometimes but I no it is real, I always know what is real and what isn't, and I don't see how my client and others will believe it though because I act funny, sometimes, and then maybe people think I am not quite there but every single freaking word I say always is meaning something usually it is a parody of some sort, or just an inside joke to myself, but I can't get the words to be what I am thinking and that is another reason, I cant be closer is I can't express myself right, and it is lonely, and then all of a sudden there is one or two who are close and I want to tell them everything but I know that sounds needy and I try to hide it and then it seem all of a sudden that she seeks me out, and I could swear she is the smartest person I have ever seen, but she is too young, and thinks you just have to be happy, but if you do, then people will forget about the planet is hurting, and I understand that and it is really all of a sudden it is critical, because everything is so plastic, and it is less and less "proper" too be real, and so it is advertising, and then we raise our shields a little and then the wordsmiths make falseness out of our language, and THEY REALLY believe it themselves and we are not to sure but now we are less sensitive to the truth, and it is being hidden away with the words of persuasion, and we instinctively get into distractions so we don't have to face the truth that it is dying, our planet, and our touch with what is real.
We come from the matter and time.
It is cause and effect.
It does not ever, ever change its mind.
And we grew from this, and it is nature, if you do not follow the rules, you die.
And it is so deeply a part of how things work. It is at work in society, and religion, but not that way, you have to follow the rules or you are ostracized and then you are alone and you die inside.
But we have to much power to act in ways that are based on our emotions and primitive instincts to get more because for all time there was never enough.

 

[mikmik]

Buty we have enough now but some have strong instincts to get more and they have the freedom now to base desicions on feelings, they are cut of from the cause and effect feedback that immediately punishes you if you do not behave rationally, and produce rational instincts.
They feelins are in control, and they are reel, to us, we base all our decisions on them because they used to tell us if we were in tune with the laws of nature and if we got to much, then the laws became out of balance andd puched back. But we don't see that because our mechanical advantage is bigger than we know and we are locaqlly stronger and to quick for the feedback that tells us it is wriong, it is not there to affect us.
And now it is almost to late, but we are so used to not seeing reality, we are blinded by our psychyological dfenses, and the advertisers, and pour hobbies and our possetions an
e feel secure and think it is reality but it isn't
.There is no 'right' way for our place to be, it can ce like pluto or mercury and the universe does not know, it just is. But we are from the planet, and we are instinctively, part of the cause and effect nature, and we are letting our actions be irrational and hurt what is very rare, the life here, it is precious because it is rare and we know it because we are a result of it and that binds us to it but when we kill it we are symbolically killing ourselves, but now we are really ending it, and we are apart,

And it has always been my role in the family to be the peacemaker, and the "acting out what is really going on" one but it is not the right way and I am trying to change.
i am going to be normal very soon, buthaha, for me, and I will tell you or my friend or go tothe hospital if it stays feeling lightheaded like this but of course I have been hyperventilatind, but the shoes will slow me down.
I will be back very soon.
I have to learn something important, so I can teach it to everybody, that is pressure, I am shaking bu5 it can wait, it is just an assumed role, it is not really my duty, I AM MY DUTY, and by taking care of the earth and all I am telloing myself that I value where I come from and am bound to, but it is not direct enough, I have to still learn to quit being symbolic all the time.
I though of somewhting now. I sell my own false vision, but it will stop.
It will stop.
The little 3ngine that could will find a friend. Is it inside?Yes, of course.
Is it outside? yes also.
It is reality, it is the right way,
It is a matter of attitude and believing in yourself, because if you don't, you will die.
I see it everywhere.
It works in the fabric of oyur society, the ones who believe in themselves, are the happy ones.
BF Skinner knows it, I bet! Perfect feedback, rewarded with sense of selfe and control of your reactions, in though and deed, to the emotionals that get to some, but not others.
I just talked to someont who has recovery, and we just connected with a nice conversation, but I promise not to fall in love! haha, she is in ontario, so it is getting better, I will even taks alberta, when I am ready.
I know I see what is real.
I know it (so does everyone else!!) but I have reality checks going twenty four seven, people, and lots more.
I can always get a cat t5o purr, well, you know, more than most, if anyone can, I can, and the same with dogs, and the same with people, just now it is time to make myself purr for a while.
I will see you guys later, Thanks David, and Wynn, and Czar.You know where I am, usually.
To much of that goddamned Linux, it is not good for you :O)

 

[mikmik]

Thank you, David, I know you are my friend, and rocky, and many more, I know it to the depths.
We are all special.
But a hug would be nice once in a while, I have not had human touch for at leasr ^ months, maybe one or two brief hugs.,

I will find some of those, because that is the frustration that just got to me, the emotional bond I feel with you, and Gisela - That young one Hahaha, It is very real. but frustratingly incomplete. I cannot only have you for friends, I have to have some physical proximity haha, not that kind!\
I love you, David, and wynn, and I want to keep that so You will see me again later tonight, most likely.
I will promise you that.

 

[mikmik]

Hey, I knew enough to come here, didn't I )

I am going to be fine, and I think just having you know what is going on is the release I needed.
Tanks, i'll be here, or there:0, later.
I know it.
I thought I could, but I was just trying to climb the wrong hill.
I know I can, because I see the hill, It has my foottracks on it!
(Well, a comic can only do so much with Trains and Shoes!)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My ISP has been bogging down with the Sasser worm so I'm getting notifications late...

However, I do know you will be all right, Mik - I just hope that you can remember that, for those moments that come to all of us when you doubt it...

And it has always been my role in the family to be the peacemaker, and the "acting out what is really going on" one but it is not the right way and I am trying to change.

You no longer have to play that role, Mik... that was a solution for you and for your family once but it is no longer necessary. This time, you can just be you - the rest can take care of themselves now. In your head you know that; now you have to let your heart learn it.

As for Wynn, I don't know where she is now... she hasn't been back here in quite a while, unfortunately.

 

[mikmik]

Thanks, I thought of that later when I realized the actual dates of the posts.

I was just realizing that I am still playing my early roles out more than I was aware, and although I know some of them, just being aware, as you point out, isn't enough. Maybe get out of my own way,, now and then.
Goodnight, David, I'll be here sometimes, now that I've 'broken the ice' )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good... I'll look forward to it.

 

[tiadesai]

Shoes

wow
thats an interesting way to get rid of your panic attacks
but in the end it is the results that matter
all the best to you
keep thinking about shoes

 

[tiadesai]

Shoes

wow
thats an interesting way to get rid of your panic attacks
but in the end it is the results that matter
all the best to you
keep thinking about shoes