Thought I had this beat but its back...

[adaptive1]

I try to be careful using this computer because my room mate uses this computer too and I dont want anyone to know about my problems.... but I have had some problems with obsessive thinking and behaviour but I have been doing so well, its been almost six months and no problems but then November came and bang, it was just a bad day and I started down the same path, obsessing about some small problem and then it just grew and grew, this time instead of spending my time writing non stop, I am splittling my time into spending hours on the internet researching the same things over and over, I cant seem to log out. When I am not doing that I am writing over and over to myself by writing paragraphs such as this. Why am I doing this? Am I sabotaging myself? Was a year in therapy not enough for me, I cant stop this time?

I think about going back to see the therapist but I obsess over that too. I dont want to obsess about therapy, why would I do that. I think going back might make me worse this time.

What should I do?

 

[Into The Light]

what makes you feel that going back to therapy would make things worse this time?

 

[adaptive1]

I think because I am obsessing so much about it and I dont know why. If you are obsessing about something I think you are not supposed to act on it, so if I am thinking about it alot, to go back would in theory make the obsession stronger. Does this make sense? I am not sure why I am obsessing about it, maybe I think I cant get by without it, of course I can, I learned all the techniques of what to do, I just cant seem to do them right now.

 

[Halo]

I was wondering if you can think of anything significant that happened in November to trigger these problems with obsessive thinking and behaviours. If they happened all of a sudden I would wonder if something happened to trigger you.

 

[adaptive1]

There were some minor stressors but nothing that should have caused this to happen. If there was something in particular I guess I am not insightful enough to know what it was. I

 

[Into The Light]

i don't think returning to therapy would be a bad idea if you are struggling, even if the target of your obsessive thinking is therapy. your therapist would be able to help you deal with that, i would imagine.

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks for your advice, I will think about it, I cant imagine where I come up with these topics that I obsess about, I think I am obsessing about therapy because I somehow imagine it is a quick fix for reducing anxiety but I know it isn't. It kind of helps with the symptoms but I still have to do the work and I do know what I have to do. It is just hard when it gets out of hand like this.

 

[Halo]

Even though you say you know what you need to do, maybe you just need a little refresher or maintenance sessions with a therapist to help you through this tough time and to reinforce what you already know.

 

[Into The Light]

good luck with your decision, let us know what you decide i hope things let up for you.

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks for the kind words, I can not talk to anyone about this. I keep it hidden.

I am trying to fight this using all the techniques I have learned and David and Daniel talk about the four step technique. I just feel that I am battling myself on and off the entire day and its frustrating, but I guess at least I am trying. Thats more than I did when I first had these problems.

 

[adaptive1]

I try and stop myself from acting so strangely but it seems like a lost cause, I called the therapsit a week ago and he didnt return my call, I bet I probably made him quit the profession. Its like one in the morning and here I sit spending hours writing down the same things over and over. It doesnt feel like there is anything to look forward to any more, just brief periods where I dont act insaine, but then going back to periods where I am out of my mind again. Sorry to be such a downer, I know tons of people suffer more than I could, maybe I am one of the worried well that is causing all my own problems. Its hard to look ahead and see any kind of future at the moment.

 

[HA]

Hello M1,

In a previous post you were considering medication, have you tried that yet?

 

[Into The Light]

maladaptive, try calling again. sometimes we need to be persistent. there could be many reasons why he hasn't called back. maybe he was sick last week, or out on a short break, or he had an emergency, or maybe he got the message, meant to call back but then something came up, or maybe something happened to the message itself.

good luck and let us know if you get through.

 

[Halo]

I was going to suggest the same thing as Ladybug. Try calling again because you never know why you didn't get a return call. Being persistent is a good thing especially when looking for help. Never give up because the right therapist and help could be right around the corner.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you :hug:

 

[adaptive1]

I dont think I am going to call again, clearly other peoples problems are more important. Sorry to bother you again with this, I better get it together soon or I will lose my job if I keep doing these kinds of things at work.

 

[Halo]

I don't think anybody's problems are more important than yours and please don't think that that was the reason for the therapist not calling back. Your problems are just as important as anyone elses. As has been said, there are so many reasons that the therapist may not have called back and if you truly want help and to get better, you will call again. Please Maladaptive1, call again and at least try to get an appointment...it will be worth it.

Take care :hug:

 

[adaptive1]

I dont think I care anymore if I get better. I think maybe I prefer living in a fantasy world

 

[Halo]

I honestly believe that if you didn't care if you got better then you wouldn't be with us on this board talking and trying to better yourself and come up with solutions to your problems.

I think many of us have had times in our lives when we had the "I don't care" attitude about whether we get better or not but if we look deep down we really do care it is just hidden underneath the mask that is at the forefront showing the "I don't care".

I really believe that if you took off that mask and looked deep inside that you would realize that you truly do want to get better but maybe you are afraid of what that entails and it is fear that holds you back.

 

[adaptive1]

I think it is really wrong of me to use the forum when clearly I have the ability to solve my problems and I dont use that ability for what ever the reason. If I have been given assistance I cant expect that to go on forever or that people are not going to get frustrated with me when I dont maintain positive changes. I think I have been given all the help that I deserve and more so. Its not fair of me to frustrate everyone else just because I am an idiot and cant get things right.

 

[Halo]

I don't think that you are an idiot and I personally don't care how much assistance you have been given. If you need more help or guidance and you feel the need to post here and gain our support then I am happy you are here and reaching out for help. I am sure that others are happy you are here to. I have had years of therapy but yet I still come here for support and help especially when I am struggling as even though I know what I need to do to help myself, I may not have the energy or desire to do it. With the help of others here I see that glimmer of hope come back and they help pull me through....that is what Psychlinks is all about...helping each other in a time of need no matter what.

I am sure that we can all solve our own problems but isn't it much easier to solve and brainstorm ideas with friends and people that genuinely care about you than all by yourself.

I think you are exactly where you belong....here on Psychlinks trying to work out your issues and I think that calling the therapist back would be a good start to healing as well.