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Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
Hi People,

I just discovred this site recently and have even posted a number of times already, and have been browsing the topics. Lots of really good, and a good variety and range, of stuff in here. I'm happy to see it, but am DELIGHTED that it's CANADIAN!

GO CANADA! ;)

I'm a 50 yr old woman, reached menopause, 2 grown daughters, two small grandsons, never married (close) was single Mom, no help from dad's. Youngest daughter mixed race (African American Dad... an accomplished jazz artist)

History hard times... survivor of much which impacted every level of me, and my life and relationships. Chronic and Complex PTSD issues and others. Serious suicide attempts ( survived by fluke) Relinquished/reunited with firstborn (my decision when she was 2 and I was severe Post-partum... wanted her stable and looked after well YESTERDAY and adoption seemed the ONLY way at the time! )

Currently ... chronic physical problems that effect my life and limit me ... currently survive on disability, empty nest now. Middle-aged and FREE to do what I will or must from what I've got to work with, and whatever opportuinities arein front of me.

This is the first time in my WHOLE life I've been FREE of responsibilities and commitments to others that depleted me for whatever reasons, free of many issues and concerns that simply no longer exist. A rather fearless and good time of life now that the shock of health issues, menopause, and empty nest :)

My future? Yes ... I have some fears. Survival ($) health ... love. I'm working it all through. I believe I met my life partner ... and I wasn't even looking. Not really. I expected to be a cranky old spinster GRIN ... well, best not count my chickens before they're hatched.

It IS GOOD to be 50 tho :) I'm diggin it lots! The money and health issues really bring me down sometimes... very much :( I grieve what I can no longer do, still. It may even get worse for me too.

Thats enuf intro ... must go now.

Be well!

Kanadiana.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
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Messages
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Kanadiana said:
History hard times... survivor of much which impacted every level of me, and my life and relationships. Chronic and Complex PTSD issues and others. Serious suicide attempts ( survived by fluke) Relinquished/reunited with firstborn (my decision when she was 2 and I was severe Post-partum... wanted her stable and looked after well YESTERDAY and adoption seemed the ONLY way at the time! )

Currently ... chronic physical problems that effect my life and limit me ... currently survive on disability, empty nest now. Middle-aged and FREE to do what I will or must from what I've got to work with, and whatever opportunities are in front of me.
I never read the book, Why do bad things happen to good people?, but it is worth trying to remember the meaning of the title at least. A book I have read and recommend Viktor Frankl's, Man's Search for Meaning (Washington Square Press, 1988, ISBN 0671023373). There's also a thread here: Viktor Frankl. The measure of one's life is not what happens to you so much as what you do with all that. From what I've seen of your posts here, you are headed in the right direction., Kanadiana.

I grieve what I can no longer do, still. It may even get worse for me too.
The Buddhists talk about mindfulness and being in the present, which I think means that if we allow ourselves to get caught in the past or caught up in worrying about the future, we cannot truly live -- since life is only the present, the rest is memory and fear. This probably isn't something that most of us can easily achieve or perhaps ever fully achieve but it is still a worthwhile goal... in the end, the journey is more important than the destination.
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
David Baxter said:
The measure of one's life is not what happens to you so much as what you do with all that. From what I've seen of your posts here, you are headed in the right direction., Kanadiana.
Thank you for that perspective David. I kinda/sorta know that to be so as well. Many whumps and inflicted major/profound life-changing things happened to me at once about 4 yrs ago ... learning to dance on todays moment gets easier as I fully understand and adapt to the changes. Bowing down gracefull and immediately? Well... I've been a tad slow to realize and adapt to forced new directions ... I still suffer "shock" sometimes when I realize that things I'd always taken for granted ... are not possible anymore.

I love my new found freedoms.
Hate the new restrictictions and limitations born of the physical issues ..which hits me where I live ... and DO.
I grieve what I can no longer do, still. It may even get worse for me too.
The Buddhists talk about mindfulness and being in the present, which I think means that if we allow ourselves to get caught in the past or caught up in worrying about the future, we cannot truly live -- since life is only the present, the rest is memory and fear. This probably isn't something that most of us can easily achieve or perhaps ever fully achieve but it is still a worthwhile goal... in the end, the journey is more important than the destination.
I really feel like my past is pretty much history, which is an incredible accomplishment for me. I mean the "events" ... I look at those things more philosophically and more with interest in their impact on life ... life after trauma sort of thing, how it shapes and directs paths. Psychology/body is interesting GRIN But YOU already KNOW that :p

No ... my biggest "thing" right now ... is finding relationships and a lifestyle I'm capable of and that works.

My physical health issues ... well. The unpredictability and disruptiveness ... are ... disruptive to many levels.

I'm just having a very hard time ... I'll work it out. Including what I'll do regards this relationship. I think he would find out that if we did the shared home/bed/life thing ... he'd bail on me down the road because he just couldn't handle the disruptions and disappointments. Hell, I have a hard time accepting them when they happen.

Relationships, huh? The thing is, we have IMPACT on others lives and at this age ... we need less " negative impact" and more " good quiet reliable stuff"

Sorry ... unloading. Physical issues, like mental, impact every level, today, and tomorrow.
 

David Baxter

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Kanadiana said:
No ... my biggest "thing" right now ... is finding relationships and a lifestyle I'm capable of and that works.

My physical health issues ... well. The unpredictability and disruptiveness ... are ... disruptive to many levels.

I'm just having a very hard time ... I'll work it out. Including what I'll do regards this relationship. I think he would find out that if we did the shared home/bed/life thing ... he'd bail on me down the road because he just couldn't handle the disruptions and disappointments. Hell, I have a hard time accepting them when they happen.
Maybe you're underestimating him... when I'm discussing the issue of "burdening others with my problems" I often ask, "shouldn't that be his/her decision? i.e., whether it's too much to ask/expect?".
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
David Baxter said:
Maybe you're underestimating him... when I'm discussing the issue of "burdening others with my problems" I often ask, "shouldn't that be his/her decision? i.e., whether it's too much to ask/expect?".

I totally agree with you ... all I can do is "present" the realities, so he knows what being with me in the ways and hows that he wants (and me too dammit) can really be like BEFORE jumping. I just show him the probable terrain of "real life with me".

I just sense that his heart and deeper needs are putting up blinders about some things he doesn't want to accept knowing .... If I felt certain, or pretty certain he isn't in denial ... then I'd throw the gates wide open and let destiny evolve.

Guess I'm trying to avoid jumping into something with blinders on ...

Thanks for reply :) Supper time :)
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
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Messages
37,699
Points
113
Kanadiana said:
I just show him the probable terrain of "real life with me".
I love that phrase: "probable terrain"... consider it swiped :eek:)

If I felt certain, or pretty certain he isn't in denial ... then I'd throw the gates wide open and let destiny evolve. Guess I'm trying to avoid jumping into something with blinders on ...
My strategy when I'm uncertain about something and know there's no immeduate way to impose certainty is to sit back and let the current take me where it will... let if unfold as it will... in time, you'll get the clarity and certainty you need... no rush...
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,699
Points
113
David Baxter said:
Kanadiana said:
I just show him the probable terrain of "real life with me".
I love that phrase: "probable terrain"... consider it swiped :eek:)

If I felt certain, or pretty certain he isn't in denial ... then I'd throw the gates wide open and let destiny evolve. Guess I'm trying to avoid jumping into something with blinders on ...
My strategy when I'm uncertain about something and know there's no immeduate way to impose certainty is to sit back and let the current take me where it will... let it unfold as it will... in time, you'll get the clarity and certainty you need... no rush...
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
David Baxter said:
David Baxter said:
Kanadiana said:
I just show him the probable terrain of "real life with me".
I love that phrase: "probable terrain"... consider it swiped :eek:)

Swipe away and Knock yerself out bud GRIN
They were just the most "specifically descriptive" words to express my point ... worked huh? Cool! LOL

My strategy when I'm uncertain about something and know there's no immeduate way to impose certainty is to sit back and let the current take me where it will... let it unfold as it will... in time, you'll get the clarity and certainty you need... no rush...

Yeah. We've a pending visit. Maybe I'll end up, again, saying "I'm not ready for this visit." Cold feet. Whatever.

Thanks :)
 

Ash

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Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
261
Points
16
David Baxter said:
Maybe you're underestimating him... when I'm discussing the issue of "burdening others with my problems" I often ask, "shouldn't that be his/her decision? i.e., whether it's too much to ask/expect?".

*nodding furiously* That is VERY easy to do. Until things are more stable, it can be hard to trust. At least that's what I've found. In the beginning it's "Oh, he won't stick around", especially once he finds out what I'm *really* like. Don't sell yourself short!

Btw, I'm glad that you joined us. :)
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
Ash said:
David Baxter said:
Maybe you're underestimating him... when I'm discussing the issue of "burdening others with my problems" I often ask, "shouldn't that be his/her decision? i.e., whether it's too much to ask/expect?".

*nodding furiously* That is VERY easy to do. Until things are more stable, it can be hard to trust. At least that's what I've found. In the beginning it's "Oh, he won't stick around", especially once he finds out what I'm *really* like. Don't sell yourself short!

Btw, I'm glad that you joined us. :)

Thanks Ash ... I'm glad I joined you-all too. I really like the "tones and kinds" of conversations we're having.

There are a lot of considerations at play behind my agitating. I'll keep you posted ;)

And thanks to both You and David for the supportive words etc...
 

momof5

Member
Joined
May 4, 2004
Messages
773
Points
16
Hi Kanadiana,

Welcome to psychlinks.

I understand your life of chronic pain, and having to accept your life now, from what it was before.

David is right about not selling yourself short. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish in life, even with disabilities. I know I am. ;>) Also in your relationship.

I have let my husband know on many occasions that I feel that he should find someone more healthy, but the fool refuses to listen to me. ;>) I just know how my life was previously and its not anything like it was pre injury.

Our lives sometimes take a road different from the one that we planned on traveling. Instead of the nice smooth one that we mapped out, we end up on the one with the detour signs and pot holes. But really, the person that we are comes from inside of ourselves. That is what really counts.

Looking forward to getting to know you.
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
momof5 said:
Hi Kanadiana,

Welcome to psychlinks.

I understand your life of chronic pain, and having to accept your life now, from what it was before.

Hi :) Thanks for the welcome momof5 .... yeah. The chronic pain can be a real drain and a drag. I just went thru a hip flare and had a very hard time (live alone) with getting around my apt and all. Better now. I find the ways I already have some permanant damage , and get disabling flare-ups too, to be the hardest to accept. Selfcare and chores difficult or impossible at times. So yeah ... very hard not to compare and grieve a little. Midlife has also been quite the adjustment too.

David is right about not selling yourself short. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish in life, even with disabilities. I know I am. ;>) Also in your relationship.

Thanks again. For me it's only a matter of finding something I enjoy at least enough to do it for years and can accommodate my physical and energy ups and downs, and limits. I think the most likely income for me that could work would be finding a marketable product and flogging it online. I'd also enjoy that. And could do it no matterwhatshapeI'm in, even should I progress worse. My issues are progressive deterioration. A product, ways and means to get rolling. Sounds simple huh? Lack of money is the biggest obstacle of course LOL. My little disability doesn't cover my expenses now.So ... a challenge. A step at a time tho. :)
I have let my husband know on many occasions that I feel that he should find someone more healthy, but the fool refuses to listen to me. ;>) I just know how my life was previously and its not anything like it was pre injury.
Must be love then ...great on! ... I empathize with your feelings. I've reacted the same . Go find someone healthy!!!! And that has also kept me back from starting new relationships. Or DID ... I think I got caught! :eek: He may not throw me back in the sea! and I just might be okay with that. grin. I'll know pretty soon.

Our lives sometimes take a road different from the one that we planned on traveling.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

THIS road, if I take it, could end up being the best gift I've ever allowed to let myself have. It will certainly be an absolutely different road than the ones I had to take in the past (came with the territory of my life/relationships/responsibilities) but am free of all that now. I can be picky now HURRAH!

Time will tell.

I look forward to getting to know you too :) and am glad you have a partner who loves you, there with you. Makes a HUGE difference hey?

:)
 
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