Tired

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,

in the last couple of months i have been seeming a lot stronger or lets just say i have been expressing myself to you guys on the site a lot more openly but honestly my family and the real world are completely clueless to how i am really feeling

part of me thinks maybe i should tell them. then maybe they might lay back and stop telling me all of their problems. but then i think if I don't have their problems to deal with i am alone with my own demons.

I lost my grand father about 9 months ago. he died suddenly of a stroke at the age of 68. then my best friends father killed himself just before i moved away, forcing me to leave her alone and me feeling extremely bad and then shouldering her pain on my shoulders as we spoke every other day and still grieving the loss of my own grandfather. and finding out i couldn't be there for his funeral because it was too far.

Then school started and i was a mess, living in a dorm with a girl i hardly knew, letting my eating disorder get the best of me. sent by ambulance to the hospital 2 times in the space of three months, once for complications of my e-d, the second for suicidal risk, due to the fact that my father was bringing me to court to put me in between my two parents and chose a side. during the same period i was in exams. I then found out after that i failed more than half of my exams and would have to wait a semester before going back to college. during that whole time i was dealing with my roomate's problems with her familly, my sister's issues with her byfriend, and in the middle of the marriage problems of my brother and sister-in-law ,and taking care of a 1 and a half year old. and all the while no one thought for a second ok ashley is anorexic and has a history of suicide attempts maybe we shouldn't put so much on her back

it may sound selfish of me but i am a bit mad at them. ok it is my fault. i could have just told them they seem quite capable of expressing their needs and i didn't but i am mad that in spite of 3 hospitalizations in the last 6 months, and 9 in the last 7 years no one thought that maybe ashley needs a break. and the thing is i dont know when it is too much. i just absorb everyone's pain and then just explode.

i feel tired and sometimes i really would like a big hug, someone to hold me and tell me its okay, ash, everything will be okay we love you

 

[Marcel]

:grouphug::hug::grouphug4::support:

Hi Ashley-Kate - I hear you. Wish I could do more but I can at least offer hugs. You have so much to deal with - it is no wonder you are completely exhausted. I hope you can have a peaceful sleep tonight.

 

[Yuray]

Ash
You have a very toxic life at the moment, and as you wished for:"It's okay Ash, everything will be okay, we love you"

Yuray

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you guys! i feel like i need to be strong, all the time. and funny enough i do send suddle messages to my familly like i tell them i burst into tears sometimes for no reason at all i tell them i am tired that i am sick that i am overwhelmed yet the see to think i am some super woman.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Ashley-Kate i hope you can get good night sleep and i hope your day is not so hetic tommorrow try to do just something for you okay. I wish you all the best you have come so far take care mary

 

[Jazzey]

Sometimes Ash, subtle messages get lost in the translation. You may need to be a little less subtle about where you are currently. The goal being to keep you in a place that doesn't jeopardize your recovery. And only you can guard your recovery. I would suggest you tell your family directly where you are so that they understand and draw a few boundaries for yourself...

 

[texasgirl]

I agree with Jazzey, Ash. Because they obviously didn't notice before, it makes it even more important that you tell them directly. And it really does have to come from you -

We are all behind you though and send hugs....

TG :support: :hug: :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you all for your post i am doing a bit better today i gues it may be because even though i am not too happy with my psychologist i am going to see him tomorrow and that is reasurring cause i havent seen him in like a month and well i spoke to him on the phone last week and well he informed me that even though i am moving somewere else inthe city he will still be able to see me until we hear news from the other hopital and depending on what they are ready to offer me.

 

[forgetmenot]

i am glad you get to see your psychologist tommorrow Ashley-Kate. A month is a long time not to be able to talk with anyone. I hope it goes well take care and get a good night sleep okay best wishes mary

 

[Halo]

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow AK and do let us know how you are doing and how the session goes.

Take care and I hope you get some much needed :zzz: :zzz:
:hug: :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,
Well i had my appointment with my psychologist today. He has came back to the way he was in the beginning i think the fact that i was really very open with him this time and was very honest to him about what is going on in my life helped a lot. At the end when i was about to leave i stayed seated and looked at him and just smiled and he understood that i was not done that i wanted to tell him something but was having a hard time to do so. He sat back down and asked me what was wrong, so i told him that i was scared that i feel like i am a huge ball of self destruction and i am losing it. While i think he understood then and there that that was a call for help he asked me all the important questions. what scares me how am i doing what do i want from him do i have suicidal thoughts etc. When i left we had a deal that they way we would head is to try and help me fix certain things in my life but also understand that the psychiatric unit at the hospital and also a crisis center were options in the immediate future if my behaviors worsen. When i left he told me that it will be very important for me to have regular visits with therapist like him every week. i will see him next week!

 

[forgetmenot]

I am so happy for you Ashley-Kate. It is good when your therapist is able to connect with you. Good for you for opening up and telling him everything that took strength. You are a inspiration for all of us take care and best wishes mary

 

[Halo]

AK

That is absolutely awesome that you opened up to your therapist about how you are really doing. I know that it was probably difficult but you, but it was a really great thing that you did and now that your therapist knows honestly how you are doing so he will be able to help you.

Take care
:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

well done ashley-kate. you really took care of yourself today, and i think he appreciated your honesty and from that could see that you are genuinely reaching out for help. :goodjob:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah he even mentioned how i never ever give him clues on how i am doing and when he saw that i needed to talk he just sat back down and simply asked me what was wrong. he gave me tips to make the next week a bit easier like try to avoid alcohol because it clouds my judgment and makes me do things i regret later that cause me to be even more shameful and depressed.