phoebe22
Member
I have been joking a lot lately about going senile due to my horrible memory, but something - I can't remember what - got me taking another look at those "senior moments" and I'm starting to worry they may actually have been moments of disconnection. There have also been a few times where I was definitely an observer (of myself) ... thankfully all of it harmless, though lately the observed part of me has thought about some actions which would not be a good idea. I have also lost a bit of time here and there. Nothing drastic or dramatic, no sign of having done something I could regret; just stuff moved around and such, and it seems that a few nights ago I took out and/or tried on nearly my entire wardrobe without bothering to put anything away afterward. What a mess ... I was so not amused
:rant:
Thing is, I've been doing quite well the past while, so maybe I haven't been paying attention. Now I'm noticing "clues" and getting worried ...
These things in and of themselves are no big deal, especially when compared to previous episodes, and they may not get any worse. They may even spontaneously taper off as they have occasionally in the past. However, I have no way of knowing in advance.
The problem is, the way people deal with this kind of thing around here is to throw a person into hospital. I won't bore with details, but hospitals are houses of horror for me. And if I mention these things to my clinician, she may feel she has no choice but to consult my GP and possibly the flying shrink, and they would doubtless want to put me in hospital for my own "protection". The biggest problem there is that I could emerge worse off than when I went in. That's what happened last time, and I almost didn't survive to tell the tale.
On the other hand, these little disconnections could get worse, and I could "wake up" in the nearest psych ward one day with no idea how I got there ... and I would be well and truly trapped for as long as they wanted to keep me there. Worse, if it's the same place that I ended up in last time, I'd have to deal with the resident psych. I won't go into the gory details of why, but he's the most triggering person (besides some family members and and my ex) I've met in something like 30 years. That triggering made it extremely difficult to keep myself in one piece long enough to regain my freedom.
All of this with no one to hold down the fort here at home, which would cause no end of worry and impede my ability to coax the psych into letting me come home.
There's such a conflicting message when it comes to mental health "services" around here. We're encouraged to seek help, yet when we do, it's often as if we're being punished for failing to stay on track. I've experienced it long enough that I have no trust left, and I don't know if I'd be able to talk to my clinician about these little things I've noticed. She might opt for more and longer conversations and a mutual effort to head worse things off at the pass, but again, she might not. She's relatively new, so I don't know that much about how she thinks, but two of the three who came before her didn't hesitate to throw me to the sharks.
Confused and scared and hoping I can keep myself intact enough to at least fake it til this latest phase passes ...
Argh, sorry to have raved on for so long. I don't think there's any kind of solution here, but it sure felt good to be able to talk about it.
Thanks for putting up with me ...
:hide:
:rant:
Thing is, I've been doing quite well the past while, so maybe I haven't been paying attention. Now I'm noticing "clues" and getting worried ...
These things in and of themselves are no big deal, especially when compared to previous episodes, and they may not get any worse. They may even spontaneously taper off as they have occasionally in the past. However, I have no way of knowing in advance.
The problem is, the way people deal with this kind of thing around here is to throw a person into hospital. I won't bore with details, but hospitals are houses of horror for me. And if I mention these things to my clinician, she may feel she has no choice but to consult my GP and possibly the flying shrink, and they would doubtless want to put me in hospital for my own "protection". The biggest problem there is that I could emerge worse off than when I went in. That's what happened last time, and I almost didn't survive to tell the tale.
On the other hand, these little disconnections could get worse, and I could "wake up" in the nearest psych ward one day with no idea how I got there ... and I would be well and truly trapped for as long as they wanted to keep me there. Worse, if it's the same place that I ended up in last time, I'd have to deal with the resident psych. I won't go into the gory details of why, but he's the most triggering person (besides some family members and and my ex) I've met in something like 30 years. That triggering made it extremely difficult to keep myself in one piece long enough to regain my freedom.
All of this with no one to hold down the fort here at home, which would cause no end of worry and impede my ability to coax the psych into letting me come home.
There's such a conflicting message when it comes to mental health "services" around here. We're encouraged to seek help, yet when we do, it's often as if we're being punished for failing to stay on track. I've experienced it long enough that I have no trust left, and I don't know if I'd be able to talk to my clinician about these little things I've noticed. She might opt for more and longer conversations and a mutual effort to head worse things off at the pass, but again, she might not. She's relatively new, so I don't know that much about how she thinks, but two of the three who came before her didn't hesitate to throw me to the sharks.
Confused and scared and hoping I can keep myself intact enough to at least fake it til this latest phase passes ...
Argh, sorry to have raved on for so long. I don't think there's any kind of solution here, but it sure felt good to be able to talk about it.
Thanks for putting up with me ...
:hide:
