Too much jealousy?

[lighthammer963]

i have a great girlfriend and a soon to be wife. but she hang out with a lot of guy friends and sometimes socailizes with them as much or a little better then she does with me. well the one day we were talking about sexual pasts and i told her i was a virgin and she replied she had oral sex with a friend she still has frequent contacts with a long time ago. well now that i know this information i cant get that out of my mind. im extremly jealous of this guy and have even asked her to stop aocializing with him. i even get jealous of her other guy friends. i think i have a jealousy problem. how can i treat this?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

First, whatever may have happened in her life before she met you has little relevance to your current relationship. Certainly, her behavior before you met should not be viewed as a threat to your relationship now. Has she given you any reason to doubt her fidelity to you since you met?

When you say she socializes with her male friends "as much or a little better then she does with me", what does that mean?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Have you considered getting some couples counseling?

Sometimes I think it should be mandatory before two people get married.

 

[lighthammer963]

what does it mean

when i say she socializes with her guy friends "as much or a litter better then she does with me" i mean she asks them with help on her life that i feel i should help her with now that im a major part of f her life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hmmm. Why do you think she doesn't ask you? Is it possible that you react to requests for advice that differently than her friends? Or is it just that she has known them longer and is used to asking them for advice?

Have you discussed this with her?

I'm inclined to agree with Janet -- if you are about to be married and issues like this are cropping up already, I think you should consider seeing a counsellor together.

 

[lighthammer963]

are there any little excersises i can do to help me cope with this jealousy. because i think it has to do a lot with me

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Here are a few from Google:

Jealousy... Jealousy is Insecurity. This is an important point. ... Don't Deny Jealousy, Deal with It. Okay, let's say you've found that you are jealous. ...
http://joe.bi.org/jealousy.html

Jealousy testJealousy test scored on-line. Professionally developed with detailed results and tips. ... Jealousy Test Version for Heterosexual Men 10 questions, 5 min. ...
http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/ jealousy_men_abridged_access.html

Understanding and Handling Jealousy - Psychological Self-Help... Understanding and handling jealousy Most of us have experienced Shakespeare's "green-eye'd monster"--jealousy. ... Jealousy is the most intense. ...
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10k.htm

Love Quizzes @ RomanceClass.Com - Learn how to Begin or Improve ...Quizzes @ RomanceClass: The Jealousy Quiz Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that can destroy a relationship over imaginary threats. ...
Love Quizzes @ RomanceClass.Com - Learn how to Begin or Improve your Romance!

 

[Nutmeg]

i have a great girlfriend and a soon to be wife. but she hangs out with a lot of guy friends and sometimes socializes with them as much or a little better then she does with me.

If you're getting married, it's wise to agree on how to handle friendships with the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but the couple has to agree on what's threatening and what is no big deal. It sounds like maybe you feel uncomfortable about her socializing. I don't know whether this is 100% your jealousy issue or whether some part of it is her way of socializing (flirting, for example?). This is where couples counseling could be helpful...to clarify this sort of thing.

well the one day we were talking about sexual pasts and i told her i was a virgin and she replied she had oral sex with a friend she still has frequent contacts with a long time ago.

I may be old-fashioned but I think a couple would be much better off NOT sharing their past sexual exploits. It's pointless, makes no one feel better, invades the privacy of past partners, and I just think it doesn't move the relationship to a good place. Better not to get so specific about it. Sure, we need to know generally the person's past. But the exact sexual acts are really TMI (too much information). However you have already shared with each other about it, so your question is how to manage/handle this troubling and upsetting information. I think therapy (individual and couples) would really help you, because this is about your feelings.

Nutmeg