Too much

[Try_again]

For a month or more now I have just not been interested in anything really. I have to push myself to do many things. It has been up and down, but mostly down. When I get like that I prefer to be alone because I don't want to deal with anything. This makes me seem very anti-social. I know there are people who don't understand that. It feels to me like some feel that my time is their time. I just feel that I need time to myself.

I find being in school and being so busy people expect me to give my time up freely when I really don't have the time. I know that is not just me because I have heard others in my class say that too. Then when I do have time everyone that I know wants some of it. When I have felt like I was ready they don't respond. It makes me want to give up on friendship. I have not done very well with it in the past. It isn't until recently that I have actually felt stable enough to keep a friendship. The last four months have probably been the best in a few years. Up to now I have usually ended any potential friendship because I didn't feel comfortable about me. Living a normal life really drained me and mix that with self-medicating as some call it didn't help.

As I said before, I am not an addict. The only reason I started doing drugs was because I had given up. When I happen to be living with others who are using it is so much easier to give up. Now I live alone again and I am not worried at all about using. I am very aware that it will make my life worse and I will suffer more for it. I don't want that. If I were going to die I want it to be quick and painless, not drawn out and painful which is what abusing drugs or alcohol eventually becomes. I have a hard enough time with my life without adding those things to it.

Which leads me to another situation where I find that a lot of the people I meet are drinkers or abusing drugs. I don't want to be a part of that and yet I don't want to be a part of some group that has to believe in some sort of higher power because I could not. The only reason I say that is because my psychiatrist said I might find some friends at AA, NA or something like that, but I really don't want to be a part of that. For me it would be just the same as going to church. It gives me the same feeling as I have been involved in both in the past.

Right now I could say more, but I feel like I am just rambling now and starting to feel confused so I will stop.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Try_again, when you feel the way you describe and want to withdraw from people, do you think this is because you feel stressed and overwhelmed by all the things you have to do? or does it feel more like being depressed?

 

[Try_again]

It does feel like being depressed and it has been getting progressively worse for awhile now. Although it is not quite as bad as when I was using last year. It does affect my relationships. I don't have the motivation to keep up or the interest. It is hard enough getting through school.
That's about as much writing as I can handle right now without starting to feel confused again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I believe in another thread you said that you do have a therapist. How long is it before your next appointment?

I can't recall if you mentioned medication: Are you on any currently?

 

[Try_again]

Sorry to hear you're sick. Hope you get better soon.

Anyway, yes, I do have a therapist. I see her next week and I am taking medication. It was working earlier in the year, but recently it has just been slipping a bit more each week. I did change the order in which I take my medication, but it has been a month now and things aren't better.

We changed my medication hoping that it would fix my mood, but it isn't. It seems that people are treating me like I am just being negative. I suppose at times I am, but I am also aware of how well things have gone for me the last few months. I just don't want to slip into the abyss again or make any foolish mistakes because I am feeling miserable most of the time.

It's also hard for people to see because at times I can hide it fairly well, but it does slip out sometimes in the form of negativity or pessimism. I know it turns people off, but when it happens I am not quite aware of it until sometime later.

I am hoping that my actions are not following my words. Anyone who asks for help, I help and sometimes I help people without their asking me if they allow it. I guess you could say even though I am thinking negatively sometimes I still try to be positive in the things that I do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It sounds like you need to talk about medications again when you see your therapist next week.... or make an appointment with your physician to discuss it if your therapist isn't the prescribing physician.

 

[Try_again]

:hissyfit:It has not been easy at all. Apparently I have lost weight, about 20 pds. I'd say. I have no idea why. I just wasn't hungry. I was eating, but certainly not enough. I felt like regurgitating everything I ate. This happened for two months. Then everything got so much harder. I found it impossible to make any decisions beyond ones I had already made and even that was not working at times. Unfortunately I started looking for attention in the wrong places and lost a lot of money. It's like nothing mattered. The more I did these things the worst I felt, but I kept on doing it. I was taking better care of others than I was myself. Now I just want it to stop. The only thing I can think of is moving, but even that seems like it takes all my energy and I find that I get overwhelmed easily. I know what I should do, but the mountain I have to climb to get there is higher than mount Everest it seems. I am scared, angry, hateful, sad, ashamed, etc. The mistakes I have made seem to gnaw at me constantly. I have managed to fix some of the problems I had, but only because I became so enraged I spoke my mind without thinking what I was saying. These people I am talking about are sick in another way. They are drug addicts and don't understand the word, no. I don't hate them, but they just wouldn't go away. The shape I was in I was giving everything away. I am still seeing a psychologist and a counsellor and they have been a great help, but I have made such a mess of my life and I am too messed up to anything about it sometimes. I have talked to my psychologist about my medication and she doesn't think it's a bad thing that I stopped because it wasn't working anymore. I still take my other medication at night usually. Although I have found that it was starting to lose it's effectiveness too. I feel incapable of getting a job and certainly of keeping one. I also find it hard to be around people and school has become so difficult I can't even imagine going back. It seems like this all started when I stopped eating, but I now can see how things have affected me even earlier. I just didn't think it would lead to this.

 

[ladylore]

Try Again - it could be that your body got use to the medication and therefore lost its effect. Have you mentioned this to your doctor? They could try something different.

It sound like your going through a very hard time. An adjustment to your medication may help dull the edges of the emotional pain so while you are in therapy. I really would encourage you to talk to your doctor - you never know unless you ask.

 

[Try_again]

Actually, I have mentioned it to my doctor and he just ignores me. Of course, I did not push it. I wasn't doing any drugs at the time, but now I am and they are not prescription. Three times I said to him I had to be referred to this specialist and he ignored it all three times. He also said something about ending my appointments in three months and that was two months ago. It never even crossed my mind to do so. Now everything is falling apart and I feel TOTALLY LOST. I feel like everything is so much harder and my self-esteem is NIL. I feel uncomfortable around everyone now.It was not the best time for losing control when I was in school and in a kind of seedy neighbourhood environment. I can not say what I am feeling because I am not sure I trust anyone anymore. I am totally sick of this.

 

[Into The Light]

what kind of doctor is he? a gp or a psychiatrist?

can you go see him and give it one more try and really be insistent? could it be you haven't expressed your difficulties to him well enough and that he thinks you're fine?

if he still refuses to help you you should find yourself someone different. start looking now and get yourself on those waiting lists.