Troubled

[Ashley-Kate]

I feel kind of dishonest in some odd way... I am here preaching about how eating well has changed my life, how i am doing great yet i still can't reach a proper food intake. I fight really hard to beat the anorexia thoughts yet i find myself in the entrance of a gym paying for my new membership i gave myself reason by telling myself that i am eating now so i am allowed to go to the gym. I have rewarded my food intake with burning it off.

I don't know how to get past an obsession of calories, of exercising, of food, of weight. I know i am doing better. I know i am reaching goals yet i still refuse to gain any weight back to reach a more healthy weight. I try my very best to remain under a certain number knowing that as long as i remain under it i still fit the criteria for anorexia.

i reassure everyone by telling them that i am eating knowing very well that in some odd way i am eating so they don't worry and to stay healthy yet can't bear the thought of being at a healthy weight.. i don't really know what's with me... if i will ever beat this

 

[forgetmenot]

You are being honest with yourself that in itself is so positve. You get up and keep trying everyday You will beat this with continuous therapy. I don't see a quitter in you, I see a fighter. Don't be too hard on yourself Ashley Kate okay as long as you keep trying thats what matters never give up hope.:hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Thanks violet! I am going to have to get back into therapy in January i sort of stopped with the possibility of going back eventually but with a different therapist i felt i really needed a break from all the therapy to put things into perspective to finally figure out what i wanted in this hole thing. I realized what i don't want is to feel controlled and my previous therapist always used hospitalization and threats to send me back as a way to control how much i ate. I didn't feel that my progress was really something i wanted more something i was forced to do.I needed to figure out what i was ready to do and what i want.. I know i want to get better but i also feel i need to do it at my beat and i just need to find a therapist that is ready to go at that same beat.

 

[Mari]

i just need to find a therapist that is ready to go at that same beat.

Dear Ashley, that sounds like a good resolution for the new year. Maybe for now you can just relax and enjoy Christmas. :heart: Mari

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey I agree with Mari spend the holiday season just having fun with your family not worrying okay. In the New Year i think finding a new therapist is a good idea one that you feel comfortable with and will work with your goals and ideas.
Remember that therapist will only step in if they feel your health is in danger. Go and have fun now enjoy okay as stress will only cause more problems You will do well Ashley Kate like i said your a fighter. take care and happy holidays