Options for Helping Troubled Teens: Therapy, Boarding Schools & More
Once parents understand their troubled teen is heading in the wrong direction, important decisions must be made in a timely manner. Depending on the severity of your child's problems, there is an intervention available that can work.
Below are a few possible options for helping your youth. The options near the top of this list should be considered for adolescents with fairly minor problems and the options at the bottom are more appropriate for helping troubled teens facing major issues and challenges.
Counseling
Family counseling is a good place to start with a teen who is struggling at home with more minor things such as defiance, lying, failing in school, etc. We have found that often times family counseling does not work with teens but occasionally it does. The reason it often does not work is that one or two hours a week and then right back to the same school and friends doesn't usually produce the needed pull that will dislodge a teen from the negative rut are stuck in. If this is the route that you are inclined to try first please observe a few suggestions from us.
1. Find a psychologist or a counselor who has the same values found in the home. If the dynamics are not the same the therapist could become a catalyst for more problems. We have heard too many horror stories from parents who thought they were doing a good thing by having their teen in counseling only to find out that the counselor was advising their teen to do things the parents did not agree with. We have found that a certificate of education does not fully qualify one to provide solutions to problems. Interview prospective therapists and make sure their morals and values and in line with yours. Discuss your teens problems and make sure their solutions will be in harmony with what you want.
2. Once a trusted therapist is found make sure you are sitting in on the sessions with your teen. It doesn't do a bit of good to have the teen go through counseling and the parents not be a part of finding and creating possible solutions. Often times there are adjustments that each individual family member can make to help things to turn around. Be open to change.
3. The therapist should be giving regular assignments for parents and teens. These assignments/goals should be the method of forward movement.
4. Change is very difficult for everyone. If it seems like the process is too easy be leery. When true change is made mountains are climbed. A good therapist is not necessarily going to be your best friend. He/She will often tell you and your teen things you do not want to hear. Remember change takes lots of time and can be very difficult. Be patient.
Restriction
Restrictions are a necessary step in the "tough love" process. While most teens act like they know everything they don't. In reality "life" is a fairly new experience that they really have not learned much about. To help them learn they must have consequences for bad decisions they make. For instance, when a finger touches a hot stove the consequence is that it really hurts. The pain involved usually will keep that person from touching the hot stove a second time. When teens are breaking rules and starting down the path toward failure it is our job as parents to issue consequences/restrictions so that they will learn what is healthy and what is not. If hot things didn't burn us who would hesitate to touch them? Here are a few considerations for establishing and giving consequences:
1. Provide clear rules and directions - These directions need to be direct and short. For example, "please kept the food on the plate" makes clear to the child what is expected, whereas "be good" does not.
2. Clear consequences - e.g. "if you don't do it now you can't watch TV today."
3. Consistency - If parents do not enforce rules each time they are broken, this can encourage the child to keep challenging that particular rule until the parent consistently enforces the rule each time it is broken. If the child thinks there is even a slight chance they will get away with breaking a rule they will try their luck. Consistency is key to molding a child.
4. Calm handling of defiance - Long, angry arguments where emotions rise to boiling point and harsh things are said are best avoided. It is more effective for parents to deliver the agreed consequence for misbehavior in a clam way, and then get on with the day's activities.
5. Psychology of Consequences - Consequences should always help to promote change. They should be used when rules are broken but never be given in anger, irritation, spite or any other negative way. When your teen knows that your intentions are to help it becomes a totally different game then if they think you are just out to make their life miserable.
Additional things to remember when considering restrictions:
Removal from Environment
When all other methods have been exhausted many parents look for outside help. Typically when a troubled teen is out of control there is very little that parents, teachers, friends can do. Many parents turn to Therapeutic Boarding Schools for help in turning their teens life around. If the right school is found, many benefits can come from this option. If you are at the point where you are considering placing your child in a treatment facility please consider the following:
1. Make sure the school or program can work with the behaviors your teen is exhibiting.
2. Find out about the programs policies regarding their behavior modification techniques.
3. Most importantly if everything is comfortable thus far make arrangements to visit the school to meet the staff and residents. Most schools will be very open with everything they are doing and should be more then happy to have you come out and speak with staff and students. A good indicator of how your teen will do at the school in question is to look at al of the teens who are currently there. Do they all look depressed and angry? Or, do the majority of the teens look happy and are they respectful? If the latter is the case and all other things feel right you have most likely found a school that will help your child.
Once parents understand their troubled teen is heading in the wrong direction, important decisions must be made in a timely manner. Depending on the severity of your child's problems, there is an intervention available that can work.
Below are a few possible options for helping your youth. The options near the top of this list should be considered for adolescents with fairly minor problems and the options at the bottom are more appropriate for helping troubled teens facing major issues and challenges.
Counseling
Family counseling is a good place to start with a teen who is struggling at home with more minor things such as defiance, lying, failing in school, etc. We have found that often times family counseling does not work with teens but occasionally it does. The reason it often does not work is that one or two hours a week and then right back to the same school and friends doesn't usually produce the needed pull that will dislodge a teen from the negative rut are stuck in. If this is the route that you are inclined to try first please observe a few suggestions from us.
1. Find a psychologist or a counselor who has the same values found in the home. If the dynamics are not the same the therapist could become a catalyst for more problems. We have heard too many horror stories from parents who thought they were doing a good thing by having their teen in counseling only to find out that the counselor was advising their teen to do things the parents did not agree with. We have found that a certificate of education does not fully qualify one to provide solutions to problems. Interview prospective therapists and make sure their morals and values and in line with yours. Discuss your teens problems and make sure their solutions will be in harmony with what you want.
2. Once a trusted therapist is found make sure you are sitting in on the sessions with your teen. It doesn't do a bit of good to have the teen go through counseling and the parents not be a part of finding and creating possible solutions. Often times there are adjustments that each individual family member can make to help things to turn around. Be open to change.
3. The therapist should be giving regular assignments for parents and teens. These assignments/goals should be the method of forward movement.
4. Change is very difficult for everyone. If it seems like the process is too easy be leery. When true change is made mountains are climbed. A good therapist is not necessarily going to be your best friend. He/She will often tell you and your teen things you do not want to hear. Remember change takes lots of time and can be very difficult. Be patient.
Restriction
Restrictions are a necessary step in the "tough love" process. While most teens act like they know everything they don't. In reality "life" is a fairly new experience that they really have not learned much about. To help them learn they must have consequences for bad decisions they make. For instance, when a finger touches a hot stove the consequence is that it really hurts. The pain involved usually will keep that person from touching the hot stove a second time. When teens are breaking rules and starting down the path toward failure it is our job as parents to issue consequences/restrictions so that they will learn what is healthy and what is not. If hot things didn't burn us who would hesitate to touch them? Here are a few considerations for establishing and giving consequences:
1. Provide clear rules and directions - These directions need to be direct and short. For example, "please kept the food on the plate" makes clear to the child what is expected, whereas "be good" does not.
2. Clear consequences - e.g. "if you don't do it now you can't watch TV today."
3. Consistency - If parents do not enforce rules each time they are broken, this can encourage the child to keep challenging that particular rule until the parent consistently enforces the rule each time it is broken. If the child thinks there is even a slight chance they will get away with breaking a rule they will try their luck. Consistency is key to molding a child.
4. Calm handling of defiance - Long, angry arguments where emotions rise to boiling point and harsh things are said are best avoided. It is more effective for parents to deliver the agreed consequence for misbehavior in a clam way, and then get on with the day's activities.
5. Psychology of Consequences - Consequences should always help to promote change. They should be used when rules are broken but never be given in anger, irritation, spite or any other negative way. When your teen knows that your intentions are to help it becomes a totally different game then if they think you are just out to make their life miserable.
Additional things to remember when considering restrictions:
- Relate the consequence to the offense.
- No corporal punishment
- A consequence should be psychologically correct for each individual child.
- Give logical reasons for the consequences.
- If you make a mistake admit it.
- Do not take action when you are angry.
- Try to find the underlying causes of behavior.
- Time consequences carefully.
- Be disciplined yourself.
- When in doubt, give the child the benefit.
- Be encouraging in public, give criticism in private when circumstances allow.
- Short and accomplishable.
Removal from Environment
When all other methods have been exhausted many parents look for outside help. Typically when a troubled teen is out of control there is very little that parents, teachers, friends can do. Many parents turn to Therapeutic Boarding Schools for help in turning their teens life around. If the right school is found, many benefits can come from this option. If you are at the point where you are considering placing your child in a treatment facility please consider the following:
1. Make sure the school or program can work with the behaviors your teen is exhibiting.
2. Find out about the programs policies regarding their behavior modification techniques.
3. Most importantly if everything is comfortable thus far make arrangements to visit the school to meet the staff and residents. Most schools will be very open with everything they are doing and should be more then happy to have you come out and speak with staff and students. A good indicator of how your teen will do at the school in question is to look at al of the teens who are currently there. Do they all look depressed and angry? Or, do the majority of the teens look happy and are they respectful? If the latter is the case and all other things feel right you have most likely found a school that will help your child.
