Unconsciously Seeking Unhealthy Relationships?

[Holly]

Hi Everyone,
What about the men/women who want healthy relationship?

 

[stargazer]

Although I started this thread, I didn't realize what I was up against. I've decided to remove myself from this discussion, because the subject matter is making me uncomfortable. I believe I'll stick to composing music and running long distances, and I'll continue to be content to live alone and without company.

For the record, I am attracted to women like any other heterosexual man, but I am absolutely not a playboy, a mysoginist, or even a person who occasionally seeks out the company of women for the sake of pleasure, without wanting to make a commitment. Probably where I have erred is in being too passive, so that when a woman happens to show an interest in me, my natural reaction is to go with the flow, without thinking that later on, I'm going to let her down. But this happens all the time, even without it ever getting sexual. I can never tell what she expects from me; I can only tell that I'm not providing it.

So rather than explore the subject further, I think what I'll do in the future is advise the woman from the start that I'm a man who is celibate by choice, and that I'm not interested in developing intimate relationships. If I can find a way of stating that kindly, it will probably avoid a whole lot of hurt later on down the road.

I even discussed this with my priest in counseling this morning. This society constantly sends me messages that it's not okay for me to be alone, it's not okay for me to be celibate, I'm copping out, and I'm even going to die before the rest of you. I don't have to buy into those messages, because it's my choice to be single, and I have the right to make that choice.

What's actually the case is that I dove into a topic that is way beyond my level of comprehension and experience, and I started sticking my foot in my mouth right off the bat. So it's probably best I just drop out now, before things get any worse.

No hard feelings or anything--I'm just continuing to have a hard time expressing my truth.

 

[Holly]

Dear stargazer,
More individuals choose to be celibate, many do not discuss it for various reasons. The topic you mentioned in this thread is important. Many individuals do end up in unhealthy relationships, some individuals do stay, some individuals do leave! It is an individual's choice, I found your opinions to be interesting, and worth reading.
I respected what you had to voice.
Take care

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you prefer not to continue the thread, stargazer, that's absolutely okay. But I do want you to know that I don't see anywhere in anything you have posted here (or elsewhere for that matter) a single statement or phrase that i would characterize as "sticking your foot in your mouth".

On the contrary, I think it's a fascinating thread and one that a lot of people can probably relate to.

 

[ThatLady]

Ish, stargazer! I'm with David. I don't see one post wherein you've put your foot in your mouth. You're simply stating who you are and how you've chosen to live your life. We all have the right to make that choice, and nobody can, or should, pass judgement on that choice...unless you've chosen to be a serial killer.

I, too, live a single life. I have my family to take care of, my work that I love, my cats, my friends, and my hobbies (like shopping!). I was married once. I found it wasn't for me. I do best on my own, even though my mother and grandmother (and, right now, my step-father) live with me. I love to do for people, and to care for people, but I have no wish to make a formal committment to another human being for the rest of my life. I have a fellow I see frequently (he travels to Europe quite a bit, as part of his work, so our time together is limited, thankfully) and we're the best of friends. However, I made it clear from the start that I wanted no part of a permanent relationship, as in the form of marriage. Sexuality is more important to some than others. In my set of priorities, it comes well behind my family, my job, reaching out to others, and reaching into myself. To some, I'm sure that seems strange. I say, to each his/her own. What works for me might be awful for someone else.

 

[stargazer]

I did read these replies, despite that I said I'd be leaving. Please let me clarify. It's not that it necessarily looked to any of you as though I were sticking my foot in my mouth; it's that I *felt* as though I were constantly doing so. It's because of the uncomfortable *feeling* I've been having that I probably ought to dismiss myself from the thread, at least for now. This same feeling has arisen before when this topic has come up in the past, and I've never known how to deal with it. I just feel very uncomfortable. I'm not questioning the general interest level of the topic, or that what people are saying is valuable. It's just that I've realized that, emotionally, I can't handle the subject right now.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You need to do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable with yourself, stargazer. We all have things we postpone thinking about or looking at and there are usually good reasons (and often fascinating reasons) why we do that.

It will all unfold in its own way in its own time.

 

[stargazer]

Amen.