Venting and Scared

[adaptive1]

Re: Venting

I hope you are ok Ashley, I have been thinking of you and although none of us have ever met, you have been on the forum along time and for some of the long term ones you start to feel like you know them. You have been down this road and I have seen you do well before and feel positive about things. I know you will get back there, you are very strong and courageous and know that there are lots of people cheering for you.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

HE left me. the psychologist decided to stop therapie with me until they know exacly what happens with the program the dr. i am supposed to be seeing and his team as well until the get news from the other program and see were they stand. I have my appointment on thursday i am not well at the moment and very depressed and unable to function so i called the crisis center and have an appointment tomorrow i just need something to keep me going till thursday
i am terribly frustrated confused and sad so not a great day today

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

I'm sorry to hear that, Ashley. Frankly, that sounds borderline unethical, to leave you without support on the off-chance that you may be able to get into a program soon. He should have at least continued to see you for support until you were able to locate a program.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

yeah he should have. i spent 1hour crying in an office telling him i didn't trust the program they are refering me too and he simply said i need to give them a chance and see what they have to offer and if they want him to help in the intervention he will but until he knows whats going on they are all stepping back it's unfair, it's simply pathetic they dare tell me to have hope to keep fighting they all don't understand spending the last 72hour crying all the time spending most nights in my eating disorder and then spending another part on a crisis line and they just let me go

 

[adaptive1]

Re: Venting

I hope you can find some comfort and feel some support from this forum until you get the help you deserve. Be as gentle with yourself as you can and I think call the crisis lines or what ever you need to do until you finally get the help you need. Is there family around for you now Ashley?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

My familly is now aware of my mental state at the moment and as i they feel sort of helpless they dont know what to do or say yet the stay around they were on vacation and came back yesterday to see me the way i am now so they are doing there best to be supportive.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

I'm relieved to hear they're back, Ashley. I don't think it's a great idea for you to be completely alone just now. Are you still at their house?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

no I left shortly after they arrived, I am at my boyfriends now for the night. So i will be surronded tonight it's just hard to see people sleep so peacefully as i struggle all night as my e-d intensifies at night and i can't stop it i know i need in-patient care or something along thoses lines at the moment yet i can't because i don't want to be a psychiatric patient, that will only make me restrict even more because i know very well that psychiatric hospitals are still not specialised in eating disorders they can't force me to eat so my restriction will only intensify and i will feel even more controled so it will only cause me to resort to the e-d even more. and specialised care had a waiting list

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

Maybe at this time a psychiatric hospital is better than nothing, Ashley. Perhaps there you can get some help with depression and they might even be able to assist you in finding ED programs.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

I don't know all i know is i need it all to stop i need the e-d to stop the power it has over me is undescribable really, she is just there. There is no reason i continue i just continue because its what i do i can't change because when i try i freak out and reality hits and i can't face. I want to be better but i don't know how to get through it without the e-d. I am fighting everyday i fight to maintain a certain quality of life to stay alive but for what as i allow the e-d to kill me a little more every day.

---------- Post added at 04:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:27 AM ----------

I had my appointment at the crisis center today, they didn't keep me he simply suggested i call him after my appointment tomorrow to let him know how it went and how i feel about that. I simply don't know how to manage until then.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

Just keep doing what you're doing to hang on, Ashley. You have your family. Your boyfriend. And all of us here. Stop worrying about "burdening" and use all of those resources and any others you may have.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

I guess i have decided lately to stop believing in hope because just saying the words thinking about a futur or hope or ever getting better causes me to feel even more sad and depressed because as all of you said i have been through this times before and made it through but i am trully sick of it and as much as this may seem "typical" to say i really feel like this is the end of the line like a turning point or not.. were do i go from here. I really feel like this battle this struggle has to be the last weather i make it through or not it has to be the last i can't do it anymore. and sadly i don't believe like all of you seem to. I don't think i can do this again. I know the good things to say the right words to tell other i know how to make it through but i can't let go this time i need it too much and yet i don'T i feel all messed up inside. death or living living without an e-d impossible living with an eating disorder i can't .. it's all messed up in my head

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

That pessimism and hopelessness is part of the depression, Ashley. Are you on any medications currently?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

no they never ended up giving me any anti-depressants only some kind of anti anxiety med that doesn't really work at all. I can't keep anything down really so meds don'T really work great at the moment in any case

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Venting

Hi Ashley-Kate been there where you are now feeling like there is no hope only darkness
hun it is just the depression talking okay
there is hope not in sight right now but there is always hope hun.
I am glad you family is there to support you anyway they can they will help you fight okay let them help.
You need to rest then you rest okay
Even if you think the program is not right for you try it okay there will be people there that will see you in a different light have different ideas every bit of input helps Ashley-Kate it does
With each program i believe you do take home even a little from it it has been worth it then.
Go to the programs you doctor has set up okay it will be a stepping stone for maybe a better one.
Antidepressant is a good idea it is because it will take away some of the distorted thoughts thinking you are having
Even if you keep it in your stomach for a short period of time it will be absorbed into blood stream and be beneficial
See if your doc can prescribe you some okay
You help me see a long time ago when my thoughts were all over the place and it did in some ways get better
With time so i hope you try okay
keep listening to your doctors and although you may not think things will work out you need to just do it okay just go hugs to you always hugs

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

i understand that it is the depression talking i am quite awar of that yet i stillf eel this way and i still feel like i can?t make it and well if i go with my past experience it only shows that i will relapse myhole life has been relaps and to see this disorder kill me slowly yet again i can,t do it anymore. I am not even purging anymore to liberate myself from stress or anything it's simply calculated in order to end my life really purging = potassium level dropping = cardiac arrest. pathetic really but that all that is going through my mind the days i don?t purge i feel failure and distressed because it is lengthening my life. I don't want to think this way yet it's how my head is right now.
so tomorrow i will know if they can help me if not i don?t know what to fight for anymore. if they give up on me at the program as well.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

Ashley, you're only 22. How can you possibly know what you're whole life is going to be?

I can tell you that the way my life has unfolded is nothing at all like what I expected when I was 22.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

I can?t take it anymore, supressing all the past with my anorexia and bulimia deciding to let my anorexia kill me or kill myself instead of fighting what the anorexia is holding from everyone seems like the better option at this point, the depression is killing me but with the anorexia as well reminding me of how horrible i am how huge i am and not good enough not perfect enough not pure enough i can't fight the thoughts anymore

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Venting

All of those are distortions, Ashley. You're none of those things you say about yourself.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: Venting

i wish i could believe that