Verbal Abuse: How to Save Yourself

[Daniel E.]

Verbal Abuse: How To Save Yourself
By Annie Gottlieb
From the July 2002 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

How to save yourself from a bad guy: an interview with author Patricia Evans

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. How many women think of that schoolyard rhyme while reeling from a partner's put-downs or angry outbursts? The rhyme's a lie, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship—the book that helped change Brandy's life. Cruel words can do worse than break bones: They can break your spirit, cripple your confidence, even make you physically ill.

"This can happen to any woman, with any family background or career," she says. "It's happened to psychologists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, Web designers, mommies—even the director of a women's shelter." A woman falls into the trap because the abuse takes her by surprise. "He isn't abusive while he's courting you," Evans says. "But once he gets you, he switches—and you have no idea why."

Evans proposes a persuasive reason in her new book, Controlling People: An abuser needs to see you as his dream woman, an extension of himself—so the real, spontaneous, separate you becomes the enemy. That's why you get a double message: "I love you" ... "You bitch." And that's why verbal abuse is all about undermining and definining you.

How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.

• The abuse only happens when you're alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he's a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.
• Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.
• Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:

• Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.
• Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: "Cut that out!" or "I don't want to hear that."
• Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.
• Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn't just a "conflict" or an "argument."
• Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to—but you can't change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:

1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.
2. When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.
3. You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
4. You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
5. You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."
6. He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.
7. You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"

Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship ? 1992, 1996 by Patricia Evans.