Voyeur and narcissist?

[oversight]

I am a male approx 40 presently in a platonic living arrangement with a male person about 50. I've been disturbed by this persons incessant personality merging behavior. For example he often asks "How's it going?", and if I say I have a sore arm, he will say that for the past few days his arm has had an ache, and there are several different examples of this. Often he says, "Oh, at least we have something in common", which strikes me as an odd response.

The real clue came after an event I had, unrelated to him, when he asked me if it made me feel good. I said yes. About an hour later he showed up at my door at 2am (I was still up), and asked some pretty personal questions and attemped to provoke conversations about jail, money, and other oddness. Each time I gave a short answer, he looked down and around as if he was thinking of some way to "get in". Since then I have been cool and short in conversations with him.

Last night he was working on something outside of my door, after dark, in a position that would allow him to peer in without being noticed. I was not decent, and assumed that if I asked what he was doing he would use his "repair job work" as an excuse.

I realize I must confront him. He has merging behavior and also perfectionist tendencies suggests narcissism, with a "sensitive" characteristic along with the voyeurism. How should I approach/not approach this?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure what you mean by "merging behavior".

Beyond that, what specifically are the behaviors you wish to eliminate in this man? Is he your landlord? You describe him "show[ing] up at my door at 2 am" and "thinking of some way to 'get in'", and later "a position that would allow him to peer in without being noticed". How do you interpret that behavior on his part? Repair job or not, could you simply suggest that he leave and come back to finish the "repair job" at a more reasonable hour so as not to disturb your rest or sleep?

 

[oversight]

I'm not sure what you mean by "merging behavior".

Personality merging, lacking awareness that I am a separate different person. Familiarity behavior before friendship. Speaks to me as though we are of the same mind or I have the ability to read his mind and complete the thought.

Beyond that, what specifically are the behaviors you wish to eliminate in this man? Is he your landlord? You describe him "show[ing] up at my door at 2 am" and "thinking of some way to 'get in'", and later "a position that would allow him to peer in without being noticed". How do you interpret that behavior on his part?

I am house-sitting. I was unable to edit my original post. I would have added that he asked me if I thought anyone was tracking my telephone calls or reading my email. Asked me if I knew how someone might do that. By "get in", it was more like an authorative interrogation into my personal information, my private thinking. This was NOT "getting to know you"

This started 2 weeks ago after I came back from a short trip. When I returned then, he told me he thought I should find another place because he thought I was "taking advantage of him". I asked him how I was, he couldn't explain. Now I am looking, but I don't need this behavior from him.

Repair job or not, could you simply suggest that he leave and come back to finish the "repair job" at a more reasonable hour so as not to disturb your rest or sleep?

I have in past situations, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't seem to empathise and extrapolate to other situations. He has all day to do this work, and it seems a pattern is emerging.

I could point out to him his questions about how to get into my telephone and email, and the recent late night work outside this house in the dark timed to when I am going to bed, and point out that there seems to be a pattern of voyeurism. I don't like feeling like a bimbo/chick object of voyeurism when I do not feel welcome, and this behavior has jumped in frequency.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ok. That's a bit more clear now, although I'm still unclear about who this person is: Do you mean you were housesitting for him and he returned? Or is he connected in some way to the person for whom you are house-sitting?

Certainly, there people who simply do not respond to subtle suggestions or "hints" and with such people you need to be very direct, blunt, concrete, even what with another person you might consider rude. Basically, don't expect him to "get it" as a "normal" person would. Just tell him to go home and leave you alone. If necessary, tell him if he doesn't leave you will make a formal complaint to the police.

I gather you are looking for alternate accomodation already. That's probably the only permanent solution, assuming you don't have any links to this person beyond your current temporary residence.

 

[oversight]

Based on our past employment basis, he allowed me to live in one of his empty houses temporarily. The above mentioned situation began after I returned from a weekend trip. With his knowledge I am starting a consulting business and have begun to progress with a client. Now I have to quit and get a day job, unfortunately because I have to leave here sooner than expected.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Perhaps he felt that because of the 'favour' that he was doing for you, you would become closer as a result. The reason that I suggest this is because of the fact that he is asking you to leave based on the fact that you are 'taking him for granted' (in his words). Some people thrive on receiving grattitude and it sounds like this man felt that you wern't being grateful enough for the 'favour' he was doing for you.

I'm not saying that you wern't being grateful enough, btw. But as I said, he probably expected that you would feel indebted to him - indicated in his probing questions - sort of like he percieved a 'right' to know indepth details because of the 'favour' that he had done you.

Unfortunatly, as david said, being blunt may seem like the only option left if you were to stay, however, with this type of expectant behaviour that he seems to have, I doubt that it would get you very far. Looking for a new place is probably the best idea.

 

[oversight]

Bingo. People are like houses (to me). I expect people to come to my front door and speak with the head of the household (my conscious). When people sneak around the back and try to get in the back door to get inside and sit down at the table and expect me to treat them like a relative, I start locking doors and windows.

Some people do not, or are not brave enough, for whatever reason, to deal directly with others. By my posting a guard at my back door (my defensiveness because I perceive his behavior as an attempt to take something), he probably assumes I am unfriendly, of course this is interpreted as ungrateful.

I do not know how to deal with this in a face-saving way for both. I do feel like packing up and giving up on my business attempt is like throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

But there are no handouts, there is always a price for everything.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I think that under normal circumstances you could probably sit down with the man and explain a)that you are grateful for his help and b)the problem you are having. I just don't know if this would work because of the point you have reached with him actually saying that you are taking advantage of him. Still - It would be terrible to give up on your buisness venture because of this. If you don't feel like you have anything to loose, perhaps invite him around for a coffee and explain the feelings that you've been getting as a result of his ... err.... familiarity. Of course, if you were to choose this action, you would have to keep reasuring him that you were very grateful for his help. Maybe until you felt a little ridiculous and then some.

 

[stargazer]

Bingo. People are like houses (to me). I expect people to come to my front door and speak with the head of the household (my conscious). When people sneak around the back and try to get in the back door to get inside and sit down at the table and expect me to treat them like a relative, I start locking doors and windows.

Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. It's probably a good idea to evoke the Golden Rule here (or a logical variant thereof)--Deal with him as directly as you'd have hoped he'd have dealt with you. It's doubtful that there will be a face-saving way out for both of you, and like you said, there's no free lunch. I'd be up-front with him & willing to face the consequences. Then, if need be, count your losses--and your blessings--and move on. Good luck.