Waiting for the crash

[Banned]

Things have been going well lately. Really well. The problem is, now I can't stop thinking that I'm going to crash. I have this intense need to bring it on to get it over with. I have really mixed feelings - I know what it feels like to crash, so it's not like it'll be a huge surprise. I don't want to crash, but I don't think there's anything I can do to prevent it, so I just want it to hurry up.

The anxiety is starting to build, and I'm afraid it'll hit when I'm away for work in a couple weeks. I tend to be more suicidal when I'm away from home, so a crash away from home is never a good thing.

Is there anything I can do to prevent this? Do I just go about my day and see if it'll bypass me? I don't know if I'm inducing it, or feeling it creeping up, but it's right around the corner...that much I know.

 

[Daniel E.]

The anxiety is starting to build, and I'm afraid it'll hit when I'm away for work in a couple weeks. I tend to be more suicidal when I'm away from home, so a crash away from home is never a good thing.

Regarding the fear of losing control:

 

[Banned]

Interesting. Thanks for posting these. I'm still totally in denial about having bipolar. I haven't accepted it and don't know if I can. It feels so overwhelming and debilitating. I know my depressions are probably deeper than the norm, and it scares me that one might be creeping up one me. It's been several months since I've been deeply depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I might need to call Monique and be a bit pro-active on this one...I dunno...maybe I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

 

[Always Changing]

Calling Monique for support right now is a great idea and not one you should put off, imho. One other thing that comes to mind right now.. is that you are off your stabilising med, would it be worth going back on it for the duration of your time away?? You can always come off it again when you return home. Also start thinking of things you can do if you feel you are going downhill, I think you used the correct word in your post. Proactive rather than taking the chance and then possibly finding yourself in a place you really don't want to be in.

In your position Turtle I would definately call your therapist.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Things have been going well lately. Really well. The problem is, now I can't stop thinking that I'm going to crash. I have this intense need to bring it on to get it over with. I have really mixed feelings - I know what it feels like to crash, so it's not like it'll be a huge surprise. I don't want to crash, but I don't think there's anything I can do to prevent it, so I just want it to hurry up.

The anxiety is starting to build, and I'm afraid it'll hit when I'm away for work in a couple weeks. I tend to be more suicidal when I'm away from home, so a crash away from home is never a good thing.

Interesting. Thanks for posting these. I'm still totally in denial about having bipolar. I haven't accepted it and don't know if I can. It feels so overwhelming and debilitating. I know my depressions are probably deeper than the norm, and it scares me that one might be creeping up one me. It's been several months since I've been deeply depressed and had thoughts of suicide. I might need to call Monique and be a bit pro-active on this one...I dunno...maybe I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

You've likely been on a bit of a high and inevitably that will subside and precipitate a crash. But you are still "in denial": You say you haven't been depressed and suicidal in "several months" but that isn't true. Your worst enemy is your lack of insight and your inability to remember the low times when you are up.

As for calling "Monique", what happened to the new psychologist who actually knows something about bipolar disorder? Why would you make an appointment with someone not familiar with bipolar instead of one who has experience with bipolar?

 

[Banned]

I have been on a bit of a high...that is true. And yes, I totally lack insight...I get that. You've said that numerous times and I'm actually starting to believe you.

I haven't slept a wink...I've been up all night, and feel nauseous and like crap.

I'm torn between calling Monique who I know and am comfortable with, vs calling someone I don't know and am not comfortable with, vs just riding this out myself. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll make the wrong choice. There are pros and cons to all of them...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There are no pros to seeing someone who doesn't understand bipolar. You may as well chat to your mother or a friend and save the money. You may not "know" the new psychologist, but as I understand it she works with bipolar disorder and you met with her once already.

 

[Banned]

I did, but then I cancelled a subsequent app't, saying this wasn't the right time. I'll feel like a putz calling her again. Is there any value in doing one-ofs?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you should call her again. And then don't cancel. If you want help, then talk to someone who knows enough to help you.

 

[Banned]

Ok...

 

[Always Changing]

I thought Monique was the therapist who had worked with bipolar.. oops my bad sorry. I hope you do call and make that apt Turtle it can only be good ok.

 

[Banned]

I'm feeling a bit better...I think I'm just bored. I really want school to start again, and my businesses have been in limbo for a month now, which is driving me crazy. I'm trying not to spend money, so I'm staying home, and therefore have been vegging in front of the TV for two and a half days straight. I didnt' sleep at all last night - I'm trying to wean off sleeping pills, but it might not work as well as I'd hoped.

Things are just all over the place...Brody's surgery is on Thursday and I'm terrified they're going to find something horribly wrong with her. That's what happened for Jessie - he went in for a simple operation, and $13,000 and eight days later, he was dead. I'm just really nervous for my girl.

And...I'm in alot of pain physically. If it keeps up I'll go see my doctor this week. I'm having horrible abdominal pains and suspect my IUD might not be in the right place anymore. I'll give it a day or two to make sure it's not just cramps but it feels different than normal cramps, so I might need to go in.

Ack...so much going on, but I really am feeling a bit better.

 

[Always Changing]

Glad to hear you seem to be feeling better Turtle, or is it that you want to feel better and telling yourself that you are so that you might talk yourself out of making that apt? I know I have done this in the past. You do have a lot going on for you at the minute, all the above and your body is also adjusting to the med change. So instead of waiting to see if the cramps are "regular cramps" or the iud...why not go and get it checked out anyway.. that will help sort out the wondering on that one way or the other which can only mean less stress Right??
I can understand your anxiety for Brody.. can't say I blame you at all, anyone would be worried in your shoes.. Hopefully all will go well and you will have her back really soon afterwards. :hug:

So are you going to make that apt with the psychologist today? or at least the phone call, I hope you do. you need the support now with all that is going on for you

take care and mind yourself.

 

[Banned]

I'm feeling better today - tummy wise. I did some research and it said that cramping is normal - i just hadn't had any up until now so I was surprised. I rubbed some mint oil on my belly and got a good night sleep, and was careful with what I ate yesterday, and I feel fine today. Phew.

I'm going to Ottawa next week and I see there is a new waterpark open. I just might have to check it out! It looks like a tonne of fun! We used to have one here that I went to as a kid but it closed (probably because I can count on one hand how many really hot days we get each year).

 

[Always Changing]

Glad you are feeling better..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thread split to http://forum.psychlinks.ca/just-chat/23686-brody-after-surgery.html