Want to hurt myself

[AmZ]

It's like I want to make things better for myself and make a real go of life and stop the stupid self-injury and self-destructive behaviour.

But inside is the craving for it, the want to do it, nothing else. {graphic details removed}

But I am feeling still so much better. I don't see the reason for still wanting to hurt myself. They are such strong urges.

Something deep down inside is really bad and rotten.

I am on day release today from the hospital. I got permission to leave the from my psychiatrist and silly me lied and said that I was feeling OK with no thoughts of hurting myself. I know it's good that I wasn't honest, but I really needed the break from the hospital.

Now I am sitting at home, the urges are less but I am still close enough to doing something. I want to understand why.

The only reason I am not doing something is because my psychiatrist told me to promise her that I would behave myself and not do anything because the last time I left, I overdosed on sleeping pills.

---------- Post added at 05:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:04 PM ----------

I know that there is probably little to say back to this post.

I think that I just don't want to return to my life outside of the hospital. It's too empty and boring. Life is. I can't see myself making it better for myself. I need something to release these feelings. I am self sabotaging myself. I'm too upset about life outside and it being too difficult for me.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think for me, it's kind of gotten to be a really bad habit. I have urges to do it even when I'm feeling good. I don't really understand it, the why of it and I'm sure it is different for everyone.

I struggle with it too so I don't have any concrete answers. But sometimes I tell myself to wait 20 minutes and then 20 more and 20 more and on and on. There are lists on this forum of stuff to do to distract yourself.

It's a hard thing to deal with. It really is, but it isn't impossible. You have control over and so do I even though it doesn't seem like it at times. Tell yourself it's a choice and you're going to choose to NOT do it as much as you can.

Hang in there. I wish I could help more or have something better to say.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think that I just don't want to return to my life outside of the hospital. It's too empty and boring. Life is. I can't see myself making it better for myself. I need something to release these feelings. I am self sabotaging myself. I'm too upset about life outside and it being too difficult for me.

You're a walking metaphor for self-sabotage, AmZ. You are clearly not ready to leave hospital and you know it but you keep lying to your doctors to get out. And once you are out, you become paralyzed and start the cycle of negative self-talk (I don't belong out here, nothing is going to change, nothing is ever going to get better).

You have been fighting your doctors, your therapy, and yourself since day 1. Don't you think it might be time to be honest with them and let them decide when you're ready for the outside world?

 

[Jazzey]

...breath AMZ You're ok. I've read a lot of your posts on here and to be honest, I get the feeling that there's something that you're getting out of staying where you are. Maybe too comfortable? Less painful than having to make the efforts that you need to make to move forward?

Today's a good example - you left the hospital knowing that you were vulnerable. Testing yourself a little.

None of this process is easy. It takes work and you have to want it. For starters, you have to be explicitly honest with your psychiatrist about your moods. Otherwise, what's the point?

Maybe give yourself some time to figure out what you're getting out of staying where you are? personally, I like to imagine my life in the future - how it could be for me. And work towards small goals.

 

[AmZ]

...Hang in there. I wish I could help more or have something better to say.

Thank you. You don't need something to say

You're a walking metaphor for self-sabotage, AmZ. You are clearly not ready to leave hospital and you know it but you keep lying to your doctors to get out. And once you are out, you become paralyzed and start the cycle of negative self-talk (I don't belong out here, nothing is going to change, nothing is ever going to get better).

You have been fighting your doctors, your therapy, and yourself since day 1. Don't you think it might be time to be honest with them and let them decide when you're ready for the outside world?

I'm trying. I haven't been fighting 100% though. I've been very open and honest asides from this and maybe a couple times more over the last several months. I know I'm not the easiest of patients to say the least but it's been very confusing to me as to how I am feeling and at which level I should feel like at the time I leave the hospital. I get mixed messages from even the professionals, saying that there is this girl that self harms and she's not hospitalized etc, almost saying to me like I also don't need to be hospitalized or something. I so wish that the hospital was an easier place to be because I admit, I would probably relax more and agree with the fact that I need to stay for longer. It's just so difficult there.

...breath AMZ You're ok. I've read a lot of your posts on here and to be honest, I get the feeling that there's something that you're getting out of staying where you are. Maybe too comfortable? Less painful than having to make the efforts that you need to make to move forward?

Today's a good example - you left the hospital knowing that you were vulnerable. Testing yourself a little.

None of this process is easy. It takes work and you have to want it. For starters, you have to be explicitly honest with your psychiatrist about your moods. Otherwise, what's the point?

Maybe give yourself some time to figure out what you're getting out of staying where you are? personally, I like to imagine my life in the future - how it could be for me. And work towards small goals.

Yes, I should have been honest with the psychiatrist. Agreed. Thanks for the other advice.

---------- Post added at 06:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:24 PM ----------

Sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult. Head is just in a mess.

 

[Jazzey]

I don't think you're being difficult. it's more about taking care of yourself. being honest with the health care.

 

[AmZ]

Thx.

Dr B just gets me sometimes

I don't want to make excuses for myself. I'm just getting nowhere fast with the therapy and have big urges to hurt myself.... I feel like I need some release. The hospital is difficult, boring, very boring and difficult. I am having constant thoughts to hurt myself. I want to do it now I am at home but know that it will end up in me being in the closed ward for a bit of time and would mean that I couldn't go to my sister's on the weekend. I haven't been there a while because I wasn't doing good.
I feel like I am doing some balancing act. I'm either feeling OK and a lot better or about to fall off the rope again.

---------- Post added at 07:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:12 PM ----------

It's ok. I'm back at the hospital and didn't do anything.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Atta girl. Reaching out before you do anything! That's twice now, that I know of.

I wonder, is it more "dull and boring" at the hospital, or more "lonely and alienating?" Because if you go home, you probably have more autonomy and someone such as your sister might be able to come and visit you more readily than a hospital in a clinical setting? Home is, well 'Homey' and hospitals are places you visit until you get better. Some people have a deep down emotion equated with hospitals because it makes people think of being sick or dying instead of healing or getting better. It's probably hospital = people controlling you and you're safe versus home = you're taking the risk of being independent and making your own decisions and therefore sometimes it's a bit scarier??

I'm just guessing here. But do continue to be honest with yourself and your health care givers... It'll really help in the long run.

 

[AmZ]

I just know that I need to be here for now. As much as it is difficult having so much time on my hands each afternoon and evening. I wish I was or could be more busier here, then I'd feel a lot better about being here. I also miss my apartment and the homey thing you talked about. But when I am alone in my apartment it can be the worst and the best place for me. My rent contract is until the end if august and then I think I'm going to make the step and get a flatmate.I'm feeling quite a bit better now for a few days which is a relief. Even with the thoughts I had about harming myself yesterday, I'm still feeling better. Hope the Lithium will give that extra push. I did a blood test yesterday and it's still not at the level that it needs yo be at so the dosage is being risen.

 

[AmZ]

I'm still having strong urges to do something.I haven't done anything though.I really want to go to my sister's on the weekend so it's giving me the determination to not mess up and do something otherwise I won't get the permission to leave the hospital. Hopefully in the future, I'll have more of a reason to not do something for myself, rather than for others.

I had therapy today and managed to sit through half of it until I told the psychologist that I couldn't do it any longer. My anxiety and agitation shot out of the roof for some reason. We were talking about me wanting to self harm and my heart was racing and I couldn't sit still. So we finished the session early and they gave me some Clonazepam.

Things are not going the way I'd like them to bit there's not much I can do about it really. They said that they don't want to release me to the outpatient program setup they did before. They want it to be more gradual. Like leaving for a day and then coming back and gradually leaving more and more I'm still feeling pretty depressed if the truth be told. Just a horrible feeling inside of me.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thinking of you. I wish so much I had a magic wand to make you feel better. Just keep at it, working with the therapist and the medication and I think gradually you will get there.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, gradual might be frustrating for you, since you seem to be in a bit of a hurry to get out into the world to get out of the hospital.

Remember earlier a few of us thought you were putting too much pressure on yourself to get well, get well, get well. And remember how annoyed you were by that douchebag you made those rude comments about you, because he had unrealistic expectations or some kind of warped idea about depression. Well, it looks like you may also have some unrealistic expectations. You say you want to be out, you say you should be out... Then when you are out, you're not sure what to do with yourself, and you're afraid. And then you start the negative talk and instead of talking yourself out of doing SI, you almost talk yourself into SI. But, hey, like I mentioned, at least the last couple of times you were completely honest with yourself and caregivers and told them what was on your mind before you harmed yourself.

Who's putting the pressure on you this time, AmZ? Maybe you?

Not to worry, you will be out of there, but take things a bit slower, is what I'm suggesting. If a tadpole tries to throw itself up out of the water it's gonna end up beaching itself. At least wait until you grow some back legs and at least one of your lungs!

It can't be 100% easy to be amphibious and start out aquatic, shedding gills and growing lungs... One minute you're in this protected world of underwater and lilypads, and then it starts to feel like you want to get out, but when you hit the air you can't breathe, so you have to slide back in the water... Then at some point it feels more uncomfortable down there, so you try to emerge again... I don't know how long it would take, but it can't be as easy as one day you're in and the next you're out. It's not lightswitch technology. This is human phsyiology and biochemistry we're talking here... WAY more complex and intelligent than a tadpole. If you think of it that way, maybe it's easier to understand it would take longer to make adjustments for a human being than your larvae/butterfly or tadpole/froggy transformations.

I'm just saying, give yourself some slack... 8)

 

[AmZ]

Thank you. Very nice posts. I agree Jolly. I am in too much of a rush to get out of hospital and get back to things. I don't always want to say but, but it's been 5 long months I've been in here and I would like to be able to get out. I guess that I just need to really change my way of thinking about it all. If I am honest, deep down, I know that it's still too early for me to leave the hospital. I just hope that the therapy I am getting here is helping and that the Lithium will assist also. They've increased the Lithium from 600mg to 900mg today.