Want to self-harm

[AmZ]

I really want to self-harm.

No Valium or Clotiapine will take away the thoughts so I am not interested in going to the nurses and being thrown pills.

I don't want to end my life.

Everything just feels so built up inside that I need to release it. I don't know any other way of releasing it.

I'm trying my hardest here. I've met with the psychologist twice this week and tomorrow also, but it's just doing me worse.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How is it doing you worse?

Again, yesterday you debated with the doctor about clonazepam. Today you are so stressed/distressed you want to self-injure. Don't you see the contradictions here?

Now: Go and tell a nurse or one of the staff how you're feeling and start dealing with it in more healthy and proactive ways.

 

[AmZ]

How is it doing you worse?

Again, yesterday you debated with the doctor about clonazepam. Today you are so stressed/distressed you want to self-injure. Don't you see the contradictions here?

Now: Go and tell a nurse or one of the staff how you're feeling and start dealing with it in more healthy and proactive ways.

Thank you for the reply.

My thoughts have calmed down now a bit. It's just gotten late and hopefully I will be able to go to sleep and wake up to a new day tomorrow. The thoughts of wanting to self-injure are happening now nearly every day but especially after therapy.

Therapy is very intense right now. The therapist says that she wants to talk about my childhood and my mother so we've been doing that the last few sessions. I have a lot of pent up feelings inside from the therapy - I walk out feeling like it's bubbling up inside of me and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'll carry on taking the 0.5mg of Clonazepam for what it's worth. I just really don't think that it helps and that I need it, at least in the mornings, I feel more depressed than anything.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thoughts are thoughts. Urges are just urges. What you do with them is up to you. I struggle with this every single day. Last night I wanted to so badly i was shaking. I emailed someone about it. I surfed the internet. I tried to distract myself. I finally just went to bed. You're most likely going to be dealing with thoughts and urges for some time. What matters is what you do. Tell someone. Could you sit with someone for awhile? Draw? Remember you are a good artist. Write something? Write the same word over and over or something like that.

Medication helps, but you also have to deal with your thinking and right now you are in a place where people can help you. Take advantage of that help.

Do you tell your therapist about the urges and does she give you advice about it?

 

[AmZ]

Thanks CD. They are good suggestions.

There was nobody around as my roommates go to bed early and the American woman roommate was out of the hospital at a family event. I don't know if I'd talk to them about it anyway. We all have our own problems and I don't want to put mine onto someone else. But that's my issues anyway - from childhood not wanting to complain and not being able to complain.

I told my therapist about the urges and she doesn't give me any practical advice. She just says to look after myself and go to the nurses if I feel like im going to do something.

It's finally winter here and I feel like I need some sunshine. The weather really affects me.

I'm not having urges to hurt myself today, at least for now. I am meeting with my therapist this afternoon and we'll see how that goes. It's very tough right now. I told the therapist that the sessions are really triggering me and she said we'd slow down but yesterday we spoke about my mum
And it really got to me.

---------- Post added at 09:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:15 AM ----------

I met with the psychologist today and luckily it wasn't so intense. I told her about me wanting to self-harm and she asked what would help me to which I said I didn't know. I said that it doesn't help for me to go to the nurses because they just give medications and call the psychiatrist on-call to come and assess me, then most likely move me in to the closed ward, not pleasant. The psychologist already gave me her email address and we've had a few emails back and forth whilst she was away on holiday. Very nice of her. But to my surprise, she gave me her cell phone number today and said that I can call at any time I need but just make sure that I don't tell any patients or staff that she gave me her number as it's against hospital rules. Extremely nice of her.

I spoke with my dad on Skype and it was the usual disappointment-type-conversation where I have to tell him that I had a tough week. It's even more disappointing because the previous week was so good. The first thing he said was about the medications and what the deal is with them. I don't know in all honestly. I had such a good week last week and this week has been darn tough, but to this day, I am still not sure what the medications are supposed to be doing. Fine, to take the edge off, but I don't think that edge has been taken off this week. I'm pretty fed up of the medication talk to be honest. Really annoys me. I think that the Abilify is doing something, is helping a bit, but the Lithium and Lexapro, I am not too sure on. what I'd like to do is to change the Lexapro to another SSRI. I am no doctor, but I would far further prefer changing the SSRI than to add another new medication on top. Blah.

It's 9.20pm and I am having urges to self-harm. I guess that I need to accept that my psychologist has genuinely offered her support and has given me her phone number for a reason.

 

[AmZ]

Hi,

I'm really sorry to be posting here again but I am in need of advice.

This has been going on for 17 months and I'm really worn down from it all. I am desperate for something to work for me, whether it be therapy or medications or a mix of all of those.

I know that I am no doctor but will be going to speak with my psychiatrist tomorrow so she knows what's going on and will see what she says about what we can possibly change to make things better. All of last week I had a tough week and didn't speak with my psychiatrist. She even wrote me permission to go out on the weekend because she didn't know that I was feeling bad. A lack of communication is bad, I know.

I want to be an informed consumer of medications and know what my options are. From what I understand, I can change the SSRI medication I am on (Lexapro) to another SSRI and that could possibly work for me. Even though I am not going to tell my psychiatrist this is what I want to do, I still think that it is my right to suggest something and she can then tell me whether she thinks it is worth giving it a go or not.

The last time she said about changing/adding something, she said about adding a thyroid medication. My TCH levels (including TCH 4 etc) were tested in my last blood test and came back as normal. Can thyroid medications still be added even though the levels showed up OK? Does anyone know the success rate of these medications in treating depression?

Again, I am not going against my doctor or refusing to work with her, I just want to know my options based on the knowledge and/or experiences of other people.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Daniel E.]

Regarding the Lexapro, you haven't been prescribed the maximum dose (yet) from what I remember.

Regarding thyroid medications, I don't believe they help unless there is an abnormality in the thyroid levels.

 

[Budoaiki]

Hello Amz,

I am probably telling you things you already know but I thought if I can add to what you know then it could help you to understand some things.

Most S.S.R.I.'s as far as I know work by suppressing the body's intake of serotonin to increase your body's production levels and until your body acclimates which depends on a number of factors, such as metabolism and other medications you will experience certain side effects. This would result in the same physical and mental state we naturally feel when we are tired which is when the body's natural serotonin levels are at there lowest.

So you will feel tired and drained until that happens and experience those same symptoms again although it may be slightly less every time the S.S.R.I. is adjusted and depending of course on how much it is adjusted.

I am not sure how long you have been on this medication but perhaps this could be what you are experiencing. And in some cases thyroid medication can be used to help to deal with those symptoms although it has side effects of it's own as thyroxine levels effect your body's endocrine system.

I would suggest writing in a journal to keep a personal log of your feelings and internal dialogue to help you understand your own behavioural patterns, the effects of these medications and your therapy as it may help you to progress and provide you with a form of personal expression as well as being another resource to help you in and outside of therapy depending on how you choose to make use of it. (If you feel comfortable discussing it or sharing it with your therapist.)

 

[AmZ]

Many thanks for the replies.

Daniel - I'm on 20mg of Lexapro which is the max dosage.
I read up about the thyroid medication and that's what I found also- that it only helps should the thyroid levels be off in the first place.

Budo - thanks for the reply too and taking your time to explain how the medications work. I was aware of most of that information.
I've been on the Lexapro for 4-5 months already. I think that I've given it enough time to kick in.
I write a blog daily and try to utilise that as an outlet.

Any other advice is much appreciated. I'm really desperate for something.

---------- Post added at 04:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:27 AM ----------

I went to talk with my psychiatrist today and turn out, she's on holiday for the next two days.

I met with my social worker and she got it out of me that I am having thoughts to self harm and worse thoughts too. Complaining gets tiring but she knew something was up. So she took me to the head psychiatrist and we sat with him. I said that I'd like to change the anti-depressant. He asked what I'd taken in the past and if any family members have ever been on anti-depressants, of which I said both my grandmother and father have been on Prozac and it worked for them. He said that there could be something in it if these types of medications have worked for other family members so he's going to sit with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and discuss either way about changing my anti-depressant.

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm on 20mg of Lexapro which is the max dosage.

Well, for OCD, for example, the typical dose is 10 to 30 mg/day:

Handbook of Clinical ... - John D. Preston, John Preston, John H. O'Neal, Mary C. Talaga - Google Books

 

[AmZ]

Well, for OCD, for example, the typical dose is 10 to 30 mg/day:

Handbook of Clinical ... - John D. Preston, John Preston, John H. O'Neal, Mary C. Talaga - Google Books

I asked today and they said in Israel this is the max dosage they give. There were also differences with the Effexor when I was on it, the max they'd give was 300mg but in North America, I think they give a higher dosage.

 

[Daniel E.]

Maybe you can compensate for that by doing pushups

 

[AmZ]

Maybe you can compensate for that by doing pushups

I can probably manage a couple. Good idea though Daniel.

Ah, this is so darn tough, it really is. I've spent 4 hours in bed with my duvet pulled over my head. Just laying there with my eyes closed. I can't deal with the outside world. I didn't go to dinner or leave my room when they normally lock them as I can't face/talking to anyone. All I could do to resist the urges was to lay frozen in bed. I feel so low.