Thought of Self Harm and Suicide

[suewatters1]

What happens when your still working in an toxic environment when you relive the experiences by not being able to control what people say or do to you in the present. I know I have to learn how to change my reaction to them but it's not easy if I am avoiding reliving these experiences with self destructive behaviors and I have to go to work still experiencing them. I know I want to quit working to go on my pension but that is not possible just right now so I have to do the best I can till I can afford too.
I like the part I read about avoidance problem trying to avoid dealing with them by doing destructive things that is me 100%. My Dr wants me to forget the past but since it still happens in the present I can't really foget the past but deal with the past and the present.

Thanks everyone

PS: I was told I don't have PTSD but was never told what I do have.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

by not being able to control what people say or do to you in the present

Certainly, as you allude to above, the ideal is to focus on what you can control, e.g. your own behavior, and to take one day at a time.

It also helps to see the bigger picture, as with spirituality or other personal values that transcend one's ego.

One of the points in DBT and ACT is that people tend to make things worse when they feel triggered or are in a crisis situation. So just getting through (surviving) the situation is often the goal, not necessarily feeling better. Obviously, trying to feel better in the short term is often maladaptive:

When faced with emotional pain, many people focus on what can give them relief in the moment. They want to stop or suppress the emotion and will do whatever it will take to build a wall between themselves and their feelings. But while short-term focus may provide a brief moment when the pain diminishes, in an hour or a day or a week it’s back—and it’s worse than ever. That’s because short-term relief strategies often harm people in the long run. For example, drugs or alcohol can numb the pain in the moment but create long-term job, relationship, and health problems that eclipse the original distress.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...ems-arise-7-maladaptive-coping-behaviors.html

Other things that can help with resilience include increasing mindfulness/acceptance (including self-acceptance and radical acceptance), frustation tolerance (including tolerance of uncertainty), self-efficacy (and, similarly, an external locus of control), and focusing on the “micro-moments” that can help unlock one positive emotion here or there.

 

[suewatters1]

Stop by to visit my Aunt and Uncle but didn't stay long because they were about to leave to go visit one of their daughters and her husband with 2 other grand kids who were staying at their daughters place for the week. They were babysitting this weekend for their other daughter away on a trip with her husband to try to get back together again a reconciliation trip.

I told her I was having suicide thoughts and that I had a bad appointment with my DR last Monday. She also knows my Psychotherapist as he was her family DR before he switched careers and wanted to know when I saw him next I said late Tuesday. My Aunt had a stroke 20 years ago and didn't have any family support at the time so she knows what I am going through. She says it makes her feel good that she can help me because 20 years ago after her stroke she would go visit some people that were people who couldn't leave there house because of different reason some emotional reasons and she said she would make one person laugh and stuff and her husband would tell my Aunt that his wife was feeling better for about a week after that. It also made my Aunt feel good and that is why she doesn't mind helping me and she says I make her feel good. I told her about my driveway being cleaned and she says I pray all the time for you it was one way of God answering my prayers.
She told me God matches one person with another on purpose to help them in life.
I believe that.

Time to relax think of supper and plan what I will tell my DR tomorrow morning and if I feel up to it the Oscars show is on tonight I usually don't miss that but the other day I didn't care if I watch it or not; now I think I will

Sue

---------- Post added February 27th, 2012 at 12:40 PM ---------- Previous post was February 26th, 2012 at 06:08 PM ----------

Just saw my DR. He originally didn't want to write a note for 2 weeks off work. He thought my family DR could do that. I said yes but its because of my mental health. Then we discuss more stuff and say why would having a bad day on February 13 would make me feel suicidal on the 14. He doesn't understand that years of bullying made me suicidal.
I tried to tell him why but I don't think he understand
He says wouldn't being off work make it harder for me to go back to work and what are you planning to do off work and I told him.
So he then wrote me a note for work saying I will be off work for 2 weeks returning March 12th.
I asked him if he called to find out out if the government would pay for my Pristiq because if I have to quit working this year instead of next year then I need to know that I won't have to worry about paying for them. He said no he didn't. Its the 3rd or 4th time I asked him about it and I get the same answer.
I see him next Monday morning.

 

[Daniel E.]

He doesn't understand that years of bullying made me suicidal.

Well, most people who have chronic suicidal thoughts do so as a habit, largely as a cognitive/behavioral/emotional avoidance strategy -- as with rumination in general. Rumination is strongly associated with behavioral inhibition, the opposite of behavioral activation:

“ruminative thinking”, which she describes as “the tendency to respond to distress by focusing on the causes and consequences of your problems, without moving into active problem-solving.” To put it more plainly—and less appetizingly—ruminative thinkers chew on thoughts excessively, like a cow chewing its cud.

Eating, Drinking, Overthinking -- Book Review

How Thinking Can Be Problematic Behavior

The process of ruminating keeps clients stuck in negative states and almost invariably results in disengagement from the environment. This assessment is consistent with the formulations of Lewinsohn (2001), who proposed that depression elicits a focus on the self that is repetitive but doesn't lead to problem solving. Clients can become caught in mental ruts, thinking, for example, "I feel down today—why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever beat this? This is just too hard." Such thoughts rarely have end points, they do not lead to effective problem solving, and the thoughts recur repeatedly. The consequence is a self-perpetuating process that keeps the individual stuck in his or her thoughts, less likely to find a positive, active solution, and more likely to be disengaged from other activities. Such sustained focus on internal feeling states may decrease any pleasure that can be derived from activities and may perpetuate depression by preventing goal attainment.

Source: Behavioral Activation for Depression: A Clinician's Guide

 

[suewatters1]

Yes but I was being bullied for a long time before I got the suicide thought. I would cry a lot but I only started to get the suicide thoughts in 2007 briefly then stronger in 2008 and after that.
Also why would my DR question why I would get suicide thoughts because of the bullying I endured for the 28 years I have been there. I told him it's traumatic for me being forced to do job beyong my capabilities and there was nothing I could do about if I wanted to keep my job.

Sue

 

[suewatters1]

Well my bad behaviours are back. I have been mixing things again and I don't care as long as I am in good shape for tomorrow afternoon.
My Wednesday appoint is in the afternoon when they are usually close. Will call back tomorrow to comfirm it.

Sue

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well my bad behaviours are back. I have been mixing things again and I don't care as long as I am in good shape for tomorrow afternoon.

You say these things as if you have no control. That's false. You do have control. You are choosing for your own reasons not to exercise that control.

Ask yourself these questions (don't answer here - think about it and be brutally honest with yourself): Why do you continue to engage in these self-destructive behaviors? Is it to prove to various other people how "sick" you are so that you can qualify for full disability benefits? Is it for attention? Is it because you don't feel people are taking your distress seriously enough?

Or is there some other reason?

 

[suewatters1]

The reason I am fed up with my life because of the BS I have endured. I want to die because I am fed up with having a hard time to take care of myself when intrusion thoughts come up and I have a hard time to accept myself the way I am now the person with CIDP I called the Hotline this morning after being put on hold for 5 minutes I hang up.
I had the best night sleep in a long time. But I worry about handling going back to work and not having my DRS around to talk to.
I got an appointment this afternoon and two tomorrow and 1 Friday with my CMHA worker. I am afraid to go back to work. I am not sure I can handle the criticizem from people at work or by my boss. I just want to die but I won't right now but I have a plan so I am not worried about that. it's just I don't want to use it unless I really have to.
The thing is I am AFRAID SCARED AND WANT TO DIE.

Sue

---------- Post added at 09:48 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 AM ----------

I haven't been getting a good night sleep in a while and I wanted that last night. I was taking Seroquel but I had to stop that because of the side effects.

Sue

---------- Post added at 10:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 AM ----------

I do have full disability except for 2 meds that are not covered by ODSP but they are covered under my work plan. I am just trying to get ahead financially so I am more prepared to go on full Disability.

Sue

 

[suewatters1]

I am having a bad morning where everything seem to much.
I should be calling. 911 or the Crisis Line but I am not in the mood to. So I don't know what will happen to me today whether I will survive it or not. I think more sleep might help.

Thanks to everyone for all your help.

Sue

---------- Post added at 11:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:44 AM ----------

I am going to let the bullies win. I can't fight them anymore I don't have the strength to fight them anymore.

Sue

 

[Retired]

I am going to let the bullies win.

Sue,

You cannot allow the bahaviour of others to affect your life, beasue you have so many choices and so many options to take care of yourself. The bad behaviour of others is not a valid reason to die.

I understand that when you feel in crisis with limited people available nearby to reach out to, it may feel hopeless.

You have been areound here long enough to understand this feeling of hopelessness wen in crisis is caused by distorted thinking, because you have only your own emotions to filter your otherwise sensible thinking.

That's why it is so important to call the crisis line now.

OK, so they were overworked the other day, but they may not be overworked this time. They are all volunteers, and are doing the best they can, so give them another try.

Individuals, families or concerned friends can call 613-722-6914 or the toll free Mental Health Crisis Line at: 1-866-996-0991

Calls will be answered as quickly as possible. The average wait time is 2 minutes. You will not wait more than 10 minutes. The crisis line workers will offer support and, if required, can make a direct transfer to the Local Crisis Team.


Is this the number you have been calling? In what geographical area are you located, if not in Ottawa?


I'd like you to call your doctor, or therapist of CMHA worker and promise to keep yourself safe until you call them.

If you think you are about to carry out your plan, Sue, promise to call 911 and ask for help.

 

[suewatters1]

Somebody from broocvr called the cops on me and I am at the ER. Til further notice.. bye for now

Sue

 

[Retired]

Take care of yourself, Sue and let the doctors provide you with the treatment and support you need at this time.

We will be looking forward to hearing about your progress.

 

[suewatters1]

I am in a psych ward till my. 72 hours are up.
I should have said yesterday somwbody from Brockville called the coops. I wasn't thinking. Straight.

Normally we are not allowed to use cell phones butI got permission to email my DR and up date and do a few other things.
David was it you that called the police? I am not sure if I should thank you or not. Still not thinking straight

Thanks everyone

 

[suewatters1]

I just wanted to mention I felt a need to have a drink earlier but I didn't have any.
Somebody mentioned in another post of mind that I must be relieve that I am alive. I am not. I am slowly making a plan in case of emergency. I know intelectually it's wrong but it feels so right to me.
I am just tired of living of dealing with the struggles of everyday life. I am having a harder time now then in the past of dealing with basic paper work that I could deal with better in the past.
I am just so so tired of it all.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

I know intelectually it's wrong but it feels so right to me.

That's largely why insight is overrated (as opposed to experiential approaches such as mindfulness or behavior therapy).

 

[suewatters1]

I am not sure what you mean ( I have learning comprehension problem) I think I know what you mean but not sure. All I know I wish I were dead.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

In other words, doing what is good for you in the long term -- especially when it is the opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment -- is the hard part.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes real hard

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

On the positive side, it gets easier with practice. And once something becomes a habit, you have it made in the shade

 

[suewatters1]

Everything so hard right now. I just want to give up