Thought of Self Harm and Suicide

[David Baxter PhD]

He says if I continue to mix my meds with alcohol he will take away all of my meds. More reason to end my life.

No. More reason to stop mixing your medications with alcohol.

 

[suewatters1]

I known what you are saying DR. I do it because I have a hard time to deal with the trauma I have endure for so many years. Why isn't he helping me deal with the trauma and move forward?
I am worse at taking care of myself because of years of abuse and I need helt to deal with it all so I can start treating myself in a better way and not in a distructive way.

Sue

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I known what you are saying DR. I do it because I have a hard time to deal with the trauma I have endure for so many years. Why isn't he helping me deal with the trauma and move forward?
I am worse at taking care of myself because of years of abuse and I need helt to deal with it all so I can start treating myself in a better way and not in a distructive way.

Sue

You can start now learning how to take better care of yourself by not doing things you know are self-destructive. You know other ways to deal with stress but you continue to choose the self-destructive ways. THAT is what your psychiatrist is trying to tell you and when he says that he IS helping you. Sympathizing with someone is all very good but it often isn't helpful at all in getting the person to make the changes she needs to make.

And ultimately, you are the one who has to make the changes. No one can do it for you.

 

[suewatters1]

Dr. I listen to calming music I play games on my phone or my computer. I go to all my counselling sessions I have different people but I want to know when life feels overwhelming or a situation feels overwhelming I try telling myself things will get better and sometimes they do but not every time. I want a way to tell myself what happen in the past was nothing but I can't.
When I get home I am physically tired from my CIDP residuals and the injury I got from work last fall that did not heal yet and I am emotionally tired from trying to be more assertive for the first time in 48 years and dealing with the bullies almost every day so my brain feels like Swiss cheese and can't always get my thoughts together.

Is there not a different approach he could use with like he would somebody who has trauma from past experiences they need to deal with?

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

so my brain feels like Swiss cheese and can't always get my thoughts together.

From a traditional behavior therapy perspective, e.g. B.F. Skinner with pigeons, it doesn't even matter what you think -- the mind can be treated as a black box since the important thing is behavior.
Of course, cogntive therapy was then later developed and integrated behavior therapy, with the result being CBT.

In other words:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/acceptan...27532-which-comes-first-doing-or-knowing.html

Is there not a different approach he could use with like he would somebody who has trauma from past experiences they need to deal with?

Wayne Dyer recommends that trauma victims sooner or later help others who have been traumatized, e.g. voluneering at a women's center, as way to take the focus off oneself (as in depression) and onto others (as in life-affirming engagement).

 

[suewatters1]

I am only doing what I know. I want to know more I want a happy life. I want learn to deal with the abuse I suffered for years at work.

Sue

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I understand all that Sue but ultimately you need to do the work and you need to make more of a consistent effort to avoid self-destructive coping habits and push yourself more to engage in healthy coping activities. Using the healthy coping strategies on your good days and then abandoning them on your bad days, and dwelling on past hurts rather than making a greater effort to move forward away from those past hurts just keeps you a prisoner, barricaded in an unpleasant status quo.

When you go to your doctor or therapist, I think what you want is sympathy and someone to rescue you, but that's not realistic. Your psychiatrist gave you good and helpful advice but it wasn't what you wanted to hear so now you are feeling like a victim again. As long as you give into those victim perceptions and feelings, you will continue to be a victim, not just of the past but of yourself.

When it's clear that the status quo is not working for you, there's only one remedy: Start doing things differently. That's what your psychiatrist was telling you today.

I may understand why you engage in your self-destructive behaviors but I don't feel sympathy for you when that happens because I know it's preventing you from getting any better. And if I were your therapist, I don't think I'd be helping you by giving you sympathy at such times.

Change is hard, emotionally and physically. But it's the only viable option. And that means you need to learn to listen to what people are telling you and move forward instead of condemning yourself to remain in an endless loop of misery and resentment.

 

[forgetmenot]

I have found that when i am in pain instead of self harming Sue i turn to a place where i reach out and help others in pain thus i am not focusing on me anymore but helping others.
The pain we feel may never go away but it is in changing ourselves we can learn to not let that pain control us right.
I too have been struggling with letting go It only harms us more holding onto it.
If you can Sue try to do some work that makes YOU see that you are good
I hope i am making sense When i get triggered my first thoughts are self harm but then i changed that thought and i go right to that place and i reach out to help others and in doing so the pain for me becomes less.

I see what Dr Baxter is saying now only ourselves can make changes hun noone else can do that for us
Somehow when you are in that pain you have to channel it to something good
I try so hard to understand and i think now I am starting too
Don't give them any more power Sue okay
YOu show them all that you have control now you will not let your abusers win
I hope i made some sense but i do understand your pain and i hope you can learn to let it go through you and not let it control you any more hugs

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Exactly! Very well said, Eclipse.

 

[Daniel E.]

When you go to your doctor or therapist, I think what you want is sympathy and someone to rescue you, but that's not realistic.

And Fritz Pearls used to say something like most people used therapy not as a way to grow as a person but to become more comfortable with their "neurosis." Of course, that would be an overgeneralization, anyway.

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks everyone. It is just that the past somehow tide to the present because my coworkers still treat me the same way. When I feel good I like helping people fix their computer but when I am like this I have a hard time to have confidence in myself to do a good job and I have to wait till I feel better about myself.
I am still in Ottawa and I have to drive home so logging out for now.

Sue

 

[forgetmenot]

I do understand Sue how the past and present intertwine i do. No one will put up with that bullying in the workplace now
You have rights you can report the abuse even to authorities because it is not allowed.
You are good hun and you have power NOW you have control now not like in the past you are in charge okay
These people have issues they must have or else they would not feel the need to harm others. Talk to your councillors okay get them to teach you how to let that pain through you and not let it eat away at you hugs toyou Have a safe drive home

 

[suewatters1]

I contact the legal Clinic a year ago about this and the lawyer I had was trying to help me but didn't do much and now that Compensation denied my claim of last fall She can't handle 2 claims so she is passing my claims on to another Lawyer who she says is better at this type of thing.

Sue

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad she has got someone to help her then and perhaps this new lawyer will help you more

 

[suewatters1]

I called my psychiatrist and left a voice message saying I had a suicide plan but that I don't expect to do anything this weekend because I see him on Monday and my Cmha worker on Tuesday and my psychotherapist on Tuesday.
I know I need time off work but if I take too much time off work I would have to file for Unemployment insurance and I would have to claim my ODSP money I get and vice versus. So. I wouldn't get any money. So I am looking at that option also.

Sue

---------- Post added at 09:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:00 AM ----------

I am suppose to go to work today but I am still in bed can't get myself to go. To work and all I can think of is wanting to kill myself. But I told my Cmha worker that I would keep myself safe till I see her on Tuesday.
But it's hard the way I am feeling now.

Sue

---------- Post added at 11:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:29 AM ----------

My CMHA worker called me. She said I could take up to 3 weeks off without filing for EI and it won't affect my ODSP.
2 weeks no problem for 3 weeks my worker would have to advocate for me. So when I go see my DR next week I will ask him to give me 2 weeks off work so if. I need more in a few months I could take another 2 weeks. That to me is good news.

Sue

---------- Post added at 06:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

I did a lot of sleeping today and that seem to help me. I am looking forward to go see my DR next week and requesting 2 weeks off work.

Steve I was not expecting to answer my question I sent you in a PM. I need the thought out of my head and tell someone what I was thinking last night without getting penalized. I told my CMHA worker what I told you and I did follow you advice and post on the forum today

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/15633-have-a-holiday-at-home.html

I felt like I was on vacation even going to the Burger King in my town for the first time.

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks Daniel. I do have to watch my money but I go to fast food restaurant regularly. What I want to do is the first week sleep and do what feels right to me then the 2nd week clean my house because it look like I am a hoarder but I am not I am just to tired to clean my place do dishes and cook for myself. I was going to buy myself a laptop but these 2 weeks are more important to me to keep me alive then a laptop. That could wait.

Sue

 

[suewatters1]

When I read about suicide and people say my family and friends are better off without me that is not the case for me. My family and friends would be sad without me but I would be better without me.
I acknowledge that I have many people that love me. But I get tired of struggling with the way I feel physically and emotionally.


Sue

 

[Retired]

When I read about suicide and people say my family and friends are better off without me

Where are you reading this kind of destructive commentary?

 

[Daniel E.]

But I get tired of struggling with the way I feel physically and emotionally.

Every time people mention physical pain, etc., the first thing that comes to my mind is MBSR (Mindfulness-based stress reduction) and the related book, Full Catastrophe Living. I listened to the audio version of that book, and it was relaxing just listening to the author's soothing voice.

Anyway, there are YouTube videos of the author, Jon Kabat-Zinn, that are just as good as the book. For example, from one of his videos: "Mindfulness is a way to live your life as if it really mattered."