Thought of Self Harm and Suicide

[Cat Dancer]

Why not just write a note about the anger and not make it a suicide note? You could just get that anger out and that pain and hurt which is usually behind anger. I am concerned about feeding the suicidal thoughts with a note like that. Anyway, I hope you feel better very soon.

 

[splimwad]

This is a good suggestion. Sometimes writing down in black and white on paper all of your feelings, or writing to that part of you that feels this way, is a very good way of getting out the frustration.
However I echo very strongly that you should talk to a helpline or a crisis line, when you get those feelings of self harm or suicide. When you feel like this, it is good to know there is someone there to talk to and to listen to all of your feelings at a time of need.
Good luck with everything.

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks CD I already wrote the note yesterday afternoon and when I read the part where I mentioned the bullies and what they have done to me and wrote aren't you glad that I am dead now it makes me cry.
Please delete any part that is inappropriate.
Sue

---------- Post added at 08:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:29 AM ----------

This morning I called my CMHA worker left her a message on her answering machine about my suicide note. She just called me about 20 minutes ago concern about the message I left her. We talked for 10 minutes on the phone.
I left the same message to my other 2 DRS.

I am still tired but I have to be at work for 10:15 am.

Sue

---------- Post added at 07:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:49 AM ----------

Well I got an update. I found this morning I was very tired at work but was not so bad this afternoon.

A few of us at work were talking about how how somebody on modified work complains about me because I am on modified work taking other peoples jobs from them. Well we had a brief discussion about that when the Lead hand who gives us our jobs heard us talking. She made the comment to me that because I come into work 2 hours later then any one else that she thinks it's not fair that she has to displace somebody from there job to accommodate me. I come in 2 hours later because medically I can't work 8 hours days anymore.

Also since I hurt myself last fall at work I had to become more assertive by telling her or my bosses assistant that I can't do certain jobs. Well today she comment that she isn't sure that when I say I can't do a job if it is because I don't want to do the job. I have been there 28 years I never refuse to do a job because I didn't want to. They force me to do job when I couldn't do it many times. I am #7 on a seniority list of over 300+ employees I always gave 100% of myself and my boss once told me I give 150% of myself. Because I am being more assertive that she thinks I don't feel like doing a job I say to them I can't. That a lot of BS. I hurt myself last fall and I am still in pain because I didn't have the guts to say it was to much for me.

I told my boss what she said and he said that wasn't right what she said about me he is going to talk to her and tell her if she doesn't want to do the job he will replace her. He told me if anybody gives me any problem to let him know. I said that is why I wanted to speak with you to tell what the girl told me 20 minutes earlier. He knows I tell him when people give me a hard time. He has been putting his foot down with his assistant who acts like she is the boss and he tells me he puts her in her place lately to let me know he is being more firm with her.

I am still emotionally tired but feeling better then I did last night

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

but feeling better then I did last night

Good to hear.

I come in 2 hours later because medically I can't work 8 hours days anymore.

I would be proud of myself for just going to work before noon

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks Daniel I try not to miss work especially since I take a day off ever two weeks to go to Ottawa to see my psychiatrist. I was never one to make on purpose to miss work. I would feel bad if I did.

I haven't been working 8 hour days since the summer of 2009. I use to come in late most days and leave early everyday and the company didn't like that so last summer my hours changed to start after they finish their morning break and on Fridays at 9 am because we finish at 3:15 pm.

I am in my bedroom and I see my note and I read it and it just makes me cry how the bullies get to me. There a documentary coming out in March called the Bully Project. I was almost in the documentary. In 2009 I was talking over the phone with the producer and director because they wanted me to be in the documentary. But they were going to interview the kids first and get back to me later but they never did.

I am glad because they wanted me to wear a microphone and have a camera on me that nobody could see and I didn't like the idea. This was before they even had funding for their project.

Sue

---------- Post added February 16th, 2012 at 06:10 PM ---------- Previous post was February 15th, 2012 at 08:37 PM ----------

Every day I come home from work emotionally and physically tired and in pain. I get so discourage feeling this way every day, I get so fed up with it. It's when I feel like this I mix alcohol and meds together or do some other stupid things.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

It's when I feel like this I mix alcohol and meds together or do some other stupid things.

I'm sure you do some positive things, too, to relax. So trying to more of those positive things may be an obvious goal.

 

[suewatters1]

I do do positive things but when I feel this exhausted physically and mentally those positive I do I loose interest in them.

{triggering details deleted}

When I feel this way I just don't give damn about anything just finding a way numb my body and brain.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

just finding a way numb my body and brain.

And those things work -- in the short-run. In the long term, obviously, they are problematic.

 

[suewatters1]

I know Daniel Alcohol and drug addiction. Also what they mentioned on CNN last night. Any amount of Alcohol and medication together could kill some one. I know that and I just don't care.I know it's a stupid answer but it's the truth for me.
The only thing I hate is having to PEE almost every 10 minutes.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

As you probably know, I am fan of DBT.

For example:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/28639-calming-the-emotional-storm.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/27118-dbt-meets-the-12-steps.html

The founder of DBT, Marsha Linehan, mentions that she once had a profound spiritual experience that helped her to keep going during dark times. So I think that's part of the reason she was attracted to Zen/mindfulness.

 

[Retired]

Any amount of Alcohol and (Central Nervous Depressant ) medication together could kill some one

It's a warning that has been taken too lightly over the years and has been the cause of many people getting into needless trouble.

The warning should be heeded when the the warning is noted on tranquilizers, pain relievers and various other CNS depressant medications.

 

[suewatters1]

{details deleted as triggering}

A girl at work says to me do you want to become like Whitney Houston I said I don't care.I know that is wrong to think like that but that is the way I feel. I emailed my DR about what I did. I see him on Monday.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

I said I don't care.

Part of you does and part of you doesn't. One way of thinking about it is that to resolve the cognitive dissonance of such conflicting thoughts/emotions, people fall back on all-or-nothing thinking and other cognitive distortions.

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks Daniel I have a hard time to understand what cognitive dissonance means. I am reading from Wikipedia what it means and still have a hard time to understand it. Part of my learning problem I had all my life not always understanding something if it is not explain more in an easy terms.

Sue

 

[Daniel E.]

Exposure Therapy: Eliminating Anxiety Disorder?s Fear, Part 1

?Cognition? is simply any mental process that we have involving knowledge, attitude, emotion, belief, or behavior. ?Dissonance? is a term borrowed from music, meaning the grating together of two conflicting, incompatible notes. The theory of cognitive dissonance states that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that causes the mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to reduce the amount of dissonance between cognitions.

For example, you may enter Exposure Therapy with the fear of flying. You hold the thought in your mind that flying is unsafe, which produces fearful sensations in your mind and body. Your therapy will teach you that airplanes have an admirable safety record, and though uncomfortable, flying is nothing to fear. During the course of your Exposure Therapy, the two conflicting, or dissonant, thoughts ? fear of flying and the safety of flying ? gradually resolve themselves into a belief that flying is safe and nothing to fear: a consonance of thoughts.

 

[suewatters1]

I would like to apologize for posting graphic information I didn't mean to. I realized while I was working this afternoon that I might get an Infraction. So I think I will a break from this website if I can resist it.as a punishment to myself to remember to think before I posts any thing. I have a hard to knowing the difference where it crosses the line and I better learn.

Sue

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No need to punish yourself by staying away from the forum or in any other way. Just try to be more mindful of things that are likely to be triggers for others.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Don't do that, Sue. Don't punish yourself. You need support and help and we want to provide that for you.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Do you like to read or are there any hobbies that you used to enjoy that you could make yourself do to get your mind off all this stuff? I've been working on a dollhouse I found on Craigslist. I know it's kind of a silly hobby for a grown up but I have always loved miniatures and Abigail is enjoying helping me. She's my excuse for having dollhouses and stuff like that.

I hope you find some non self destructive way to deal with things. I know how easy it is to get pulled in the wrong direction, but remember you can make good choices too. It's hard, but it can be done. I'm "preaching" to myself here too. I need to be more positive and do more positive things and try to think more positively. I think we can do it. Don't give up and please don't stop coming here.

 

[suewatters1]

I go see my Psychiatrist in Ottawa tomorrow morning.
I am still having strong thoughts of suicide. I have done an S.I Injurie and other dangerous stuff since I last posted.

My parents asked me today when they die how will my inheritance affect me for the fact I am on ODSP. I said I don't know. Tonight on my way to DQ to order a Birthday cake for my brother I thought maybe I will die before my parents do and they won't have to worry about it. I am still planning for my future but would rather be dead.

Sue

---------- Post added February 20th, 2012 at 12:44 PM ---------- Previous post was February 19th, 2012 at 11:31 PM ----------

I had the worse DR appointment in the 3 years I have been to see him. He said I am exagerating things and what happen to me at work in the past is the past and get over it. Well I can't get over it. Being harassed for years and years and just get over it like nothing happen? I has effected me so much.
Would you tell a person who is suffering from PTSD just to get over it. I am not saying I have PTSD but I have suffered greatly to the point I can't take care of myself and want to end my life. He says if I continue to mix my meds with alcohol he will take away all of my meds. More reason to end my life.
When people don't take it seriously how I suffered because of the bullying and harassment it just makes me mad. What happened to me changed the person I have become to somebody I hate so much. Will it take my death to make people realize what they have done to me is wrong and has and still is affecting me.


I see him again next Monday

Sue

 

[forgetmenot]

Sue a psychiatrist does not see the emotional needs as well as a psychologist does just my opinion This psychiatrist is about medication and not therapy
How can he say get over it hell it is not his pain really not his trauma
You need therapy to get over the trauma you need someone who will not judge you but help you change help you let go of the pain
I do hope you can get referred to someone who will listen and understand h ugs