Was it just online or did they meet? Im really confused

[tammys]

Hey All,

I guess I am looking for someone with similar experiences or some outside advice & perspectives. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and living together for about 3 years.

I have always been suspicious of his internet chatting as he would never allow me to know his passwords and would always log out of chat when I entered the room. (He also met some girls from the net and didnt tell me for about 3 months, because "he thought I would get upset".

Well after I found a message on his phone about two months ago... with a great deal of blantant sexual connotation... I confronted him... to which he said it was just harmless flirting and he would stop. Well I couldnt access his messages but I could see the Yahoo chat log which showed he still spoke to her daily and infact he initiated the chats as soon as he got to work. It took me a while to realise that I could install spyware and when I did... I stopped dead whilst reading the interactions.

He was saying he missed her... and she was saying she loved him... he replied "I love you too"... she asked how things were at home... he replied, "I'm barely there... awake!"... but the most intriguing of all was the statement... "You should have called him when I was up there" (referring to someone who was harrassing her... and he replied.. "I will next time". She had booked a flight from Melbourne to Sydney.

Well I confronted them both and eventually he told her that he loved me and he could no longer chat to her... (not that I had said I wanted to stay at that point). Then she became either extremely vindictive or truthful, saying they had met and slept together on a few occasions... I didnt know whether to believe it... and am still torn... he insists that he has never met her... BUT in his business diary is an address of a hotel when she says she was here and he had a parking fine around the same time, which she used as evidence... but he will still not show me that fine.

I guess deep down I am writing because I can't move on and begin to work on our relationship, because I do feel he is still lying.

Any advice?

THANK YOU!

 

[Suzette]

Hi Tammys,

Follow your intuition, you are not a fool! Although I can understand that you make so much effort to get to know what is really happening here, I would say: stay to the fact that you don't trust him. All the searching for evidence costs much energy but your intuition does not lie.

Make up your mind what you want with your boy-friend. If the unhappy feeling you have already now is a sign of your future together...

(He also met some girls from the net and didnt tell me for about 3 months, because "he thought I would get upset".

That is a nice way of turning things around. Ofcourse you would be upset. Don't let anyone put their inabilities/choices/mistakes in your shoes, don't even go there.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That is a nice way of turning things around. Of course you would be upset.

I agree. That's like saying, "I didn't tell you I stole all the money from your bank account because I thought you would get upset" or "I didn't tell you I had an affair because I thought you would get upset". Well, duh.

Of course you would be upset. He wasn't protecting you. He was protecting himself.