Wearing the Mask

[David Baxter PhD]

Wearing the Mask, Acting "Normal"
by John McManamy
Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last week, in a sharepost here, I wrote:

We excel at wearing the mask. We fool our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, our doctors, even. Deep down inside, however, we are the crying clown, our souls in torment, our psyches in a thousand pieces.

It appears I struck a chord. Says MerelyMe:

I read this and I started to just about cry because you have absolutely nailed it with precision. It is so much about wearing a mask...it takes such an incredible amount of energy to fit in and act "normal" whatever that means. But all the while feeling so different on the inside. ​

Adds Chris, who decided not to put on his mask this particular morning:

I just didn?t have the energy or desire to ACT the opposite of how I was feeling.​

It?s as if we?re strangers in our own land. Says Alxv:

We have to live in two worlds at the same time without losing it and that makes me feel like I'm a tightrope walker on a thin wire with strong winds always crossing my path every day and sometimes I have no strength to keep my balance and I fall but somehow I keep on finding the strength to go up there and try to stay still and never fall again.​

But sometimes it takes us too long to get up. Then people start noticing. Tabby recounts:

I've been walking that thin tight rope for oh so long now and many times, I've fallen and smacked onto the concrete at full force. Others around have all appeared incredulous as to what the heck is wrong with me while I lay there crumpled on the concrete wanting to just die so the pain would stop.​

She goes on to say:

Only to then, have to stumbled and hobble back up the shaky ladder ... grab the wobbly balance pole, and very shakily start out across that thin tight rope again and again - with a smile. You've always got to put on that damn smile... while you wonder when the next misstep will happen and you fall again... to smack upon the concrete. ...​

The cruelest twist is no one ever congratulates you on your bravery and determination. You fall down seven times. You are about to get up eight. But you find yourself looking up into faces filled with loathing and contempt. As Tabby concludes:

I'm tired of the damn mask. When I hit the concrete ... others just look at me and tell me to scoop myself back up and clean myself off. I've got not a soul to help me and no one even lends me a hand to pull up on off the concrete.​

Why bother? Maybe we should just go on strike. Hautbois has this to say:

I decided after my session with my therapist that I am no longer going to put on the mask to pretend that everything is "just perfect." Right now with me, what you see is what you get. I have family and friends telling me that this is not me, that they know me. I now tell them that they do NOT know me.​

They do not know us. They actually think we are the mask we wear. The true ?us? beneath, the one who occasionally surfaces, scares the hell out of them. When we slap the mask back on, then they congratulate us for returning to our ?true? selves. Confused? Sometimes even we lose track of who we really are. As Jessi puts it:

I've been doing this for so long (especially in the past year), that I have forgotten how to take this mask off. Sometimes I wonder what I'd really be like if I had less reservations and let myself go just a little bit. I sort of miss myself. But I've become so uptight and subdued, I don't remember who I am anymore.​

With your help, I am looking forward to a lot more exploration on this topic. But for now, let?s conclude on a note conditional healing. As Nonethewiser writes:

My gift for my husband yesterday on Christmas was me crashing and burning. I couldn't stop crying all morning. When I went in to take my shower, I ended up slumping to the floor instead. My crying turned into sobs, then into the shakes. The more I sobbed, the louder they became.

He came running in to find out what happened. At this time I was curled up in the fetal position. I have never expressed the thoughts and feelings from bipolar with my husband. I knew he could do nothing about them, and would do no good having him know these things.​

Somehow, Nonethewiser managed to get herself together for Christmas with the family, and at the end of the day she had this to reflect upon:

Today I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my heart and mind. Will I stop carrying this torment around with me for the rest of my life? I doubt it, it's my bipolar and it's what I do. Just because I was finally able to share it doesn't mean it's been erased. It will always follow me no matter where I go, or what I do. But just maybe my load will be a little lighter.​

 

[forgetmenot]

Wow a very good post. The tight rope the mask all of it. Funny i was going to post how i felt at times that i have shattered into a thousand pieces and was not able to put them back together again This post just hits it right on so much for me

 

[splitastone]

This is a valuable post. Thank you. I wonder how common this experience is? I am interested in hearing from others on the forum who can relate to the post.

 

[Jazzey]

Don't we all wear that mask, to some extent? Hiding what we see are our vulnerabilities or frailties to avoid being judged or hurt?

 

[Lana]

I think that masks contribute to suffering. To hold on to the mask is to hold on to the pain. So, do we all wear them? I don't know. I think it's something we think we need to do, yet it's the furthest thing from what is good for us.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think that wearing the mask is sometimes needed though to fit in to belong If the mask was not on then others would not like the person underneath they would not understand. Just for surviving sake sometimes it is better to put out a persona one of strength and well being especially in a professional field. I don't know i just find it is necessary sometimes to fit in and to survive.

 

[Lana]

I think that wearing the mask is sometimes needed though to fit in to belong If the mask was not on then others would not like the person underneath they would not understand. Just for surviving sake sometimes it is better to put out a persona one of strength and well being especially in a professional field. I don't know i just find it is necessary sometimes to fit in and to survive.

You will find, Violet, that majority of people would agree with you. But does it make the right thing to do?? The old "if everyone was jumping off the bridge, would you?" adage comes to mind.

You said that in order to fit in, one needs to wear a mask, otherwise he or she would not be liked or understood. The problem with that is that once this mask is on, people still don't necessarily like or dislike the person underneath, nor understand them -- they don't even know they exist. So how can that be seen as "acceptance" when the real person is never revealed?? How can they be liked or understood when everything about them, who they are is hidden from view?

Another problem with masks is that they become "reasons" why people do not get better, do not let go of harmful habits, or adopt harmful habits, all to maintain the facade, the illusion. And so, the person begins to supress, hide, beat, and even hate their own self for trying to emerge. That's usually when problems get worse.

You see, no matter where you go, what you do, whatever mask you wear -- the real you will always emerge, or try to, and will seep and bleed through any face you put on. And when the illusion of a mask begins to fail, people around see a faker, a pretender, someone not real. THAT's what most don't like, understand, and/or accept. The cover up. You will find that majority that has been deceived at any time will often say, "I'd rather know the truth than be lied to". So masks, are a form of lies...primarily to self and those around you. There is a saying that I used to like when I was shedding my cover-up: "I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not." I found that once I was able to be me, to be who I am, most liked me just fine if not more than before. Not only that, I liked me more....faults and all. And when someone expresses their like for me, I know it's for the real me, just as I am. I can't even begin to tell you how good that feels.

 

[SoSo]

Lana, I so liked what you said, especially the last "I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not." That really struck home with me. In the last couple of years, I have completely dropped my mask and found out to my surprise, I like me. I am finally who I was intended to be, me, not the person others tried to make me into by control or abuse. Feels darn good, really good. I am that I am, and what I am is up to me, if it is to be it is up to me. Now, I take full responsibility for me, my life, what I make of it and the mask is off.
SoSo:thankyou2:

 

[forgetmenot]

I understand what you are saying but in reality one has to wear a mask if only to keep would be attackers at bay. If one is seen as vulnerable weak then the predators come in and they do attack. Putting a mask of strength of courage wards off such attackers. Yes one does get tired and weak from the constant hiding but to survive i found it is necessary One who is seen as weak and fragile i found is not a good thing Maybe im wrong here but in order to survive it has to be worn For me it is better noone sees who is inside especially if she is weak and fragile. How else can one protect themselves

 

[Jazzey]

"I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not." That really struck home with me. In the last couple of years, I have completely dropped my mask and found out to my surprise, I like me. I am finally who I was intended to be, me, not the person others tried to make me into by control or abuse. Feels darn good, really good. I am that I am, and what I am is up to me, if it is to be it is up to me. Now, I take full responsibility for me, my life, what I make of it and the mask is off.
SoSo:thankyou2:

Here's a shining example for you right here, Violet. That's how you do it.

I understand what you are saying but in reality one has to wear a mask if only to keep would be attackers at bay. If one is seen as vulnerable weak then the predators come in and they do attack. Putting a mask of strength of courage wards off such attackers. Yes one does get tired and weak from the constant hiding but to survive i found it is necessary One who is seen as weak and fragile i found is not a good thing Maybe im wrong here but in order to survive it has to be worn For me it is better noone sees who is inside especially if she is weak and fragile. How else can one protect themselves

Strength doesn't miraculously appear because of the mask. It appears when we peer inside ourselves and gather it up for real. When we can let go long enough to be willing to explore parts of ourselves that are difficult without wearing that armor anymore. And, in the process, being ok (or even liking) who we are - that's when you will really emanate that inner strength - not from the mask.

As Lana suggested to you earlier, it's wearing the mask that makes you vulnerable. Not shedding it.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am happy for you SoSo i am you have so much strength inside of you. Maybe someday i will get it i will understand but fear won't let me do this yet. I don't understand fully but i think fear is the culprit here. I want so badly to let this out but fear won't allow it. im not making sense I am sure what Lana and you and SoSo says is correct Just as usual im confused I hope one day to be able to take off all this armour and masks and just be at peace with me
someday perhaps someday.

 

[Into The Light]

your words really got me thinking, lana. i want to stop wearing the mask, because i still am insecure about who i am, or rather, how i am going to be perceived.

the trouble i have is that i really notice that certain people make me feel a certain way. when i am around some people, i end up feeling really naive and young. with others i feel incompetent. with others, i feel like i talk too much or i am boring. and then there are people where i feel stupid or airheaded. i am none of these things yet i feel like i am. being around these various people brings out those various feelings in me. it's almost like i sense that that is their perception of me, and i become that.

so - i want this to stop. i want to feel i am ok, not naive, incompetent, stupid, but a confident person who is the opposite of all those things. i want to feel like me around no matter who it is.

so i have a couple of questions. the first is, why do i feel different like that with different people? the second is, how do i just be me regardless of who i am with? i want to be confident and strong and stop worrying what people might think.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

the trouble i have is that i really notice that certain people make me feel a certain way.

Of course, no one can "make you feel" anything... it's actually you who is doing that to yourself. That's a big part of what CBT is all about.

 

[Into The Light]

hmm. so you think my perceptions are off then when i feel a certain (negative) way around specific people? what is it about being around them that makes me feel a certain way? are you saying i am likely misinterpreting the way they respond to me?

 

[Jazzey]

I don't entirely disagree, BUT I'm always resentful when I hear/feel these words...I'm candid about what I 'need in my life'. Moreover, I listen and really feel what others (people I care for) need in theirs.

This lifetime is about 'give an' take'. While we can't control others / while we can only control our own behaviours or reactions, there also has to be some level 'caring'. A moment when the people in our lives recognize "this is what this person needs", right now.

So, while no one can make us "feel anything", the wounds can still, at times, appear. We all need to be heard, to be validated for our needs/wants.

I wouldn't normally contradict you on this Dr. Baxter - but tonight, I really believe that this life is 'give and take'. Otherwise, we're always caught in the vortex of dismissing our own needs for those of others'.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What I'm saying is

1. people can only "make" you feel a certain way if you give them that power; and
2. it's important to examine your assumptions about how you think people are reacting to you and why

Maybe that person really is trying to put you down or exclude you... or... maybe not.

If the objective evidence is indeed that your perceptions of a negative reaction are accurate, there is still the question of how you react to that. It is neither necessary nor reasonable to expect that everyone will like you or approve of you. Whether and how you let that affect you is within your control.

Again, this is the very essence of CBT.

 

[Jazzey]

What I'm saying is

1. people can only "make" you feel a certain way if you give them that power;

1. 
   Yes, I agree on this point wholeheartedly.
   
   

   [*]it's important to examine your assumptions about how you think people are reacting to you and why

   
   I don't disagree with this either. Dr. Baxter, sometimes peoples' reactions are hard to ignore/dismiss. I'm a fairly sensitive person. I will never fight to have someone 'accept' me for who I am - it's just me.
   
   

   Maybe that person really is trying to put you down or exclude you... or... maybe not.

   Yes. I tend to rely on people's behaviours. That's usually is a sufficient indicator for me.
   
   

   If the objective evidence is indeed that your perceptions of a negative reaction are accurate, there is still the question of how you react to that. It is neither necessary nor reasonable to expect that everyone will like you or approve of you. Whether and how you let that affect you is within your control.
   
   Again, this is the very essence of CBT.

   
   Yes, and again, I cannot disagree. There is a balance. At some point, the individual has to be "OK" with who they are, as a person, irrespective of the reactions they may illicit. I agree - not everyone will "like you", "respect you"...And, each of us have to learn to accept that. But again, I also believe in being accountable for our own actions - setting a standard for how we'll deal with people (irrespective of whether we like / respect them or not) and sticking to it. Then again, that's my own personal philosophy so that I can look at myself in the mirror every morning. I really try and abide by "one" standard for everyone. I don't always succeed, but that is my goal.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes. I tend to rely on people's behaviours. That's usually is a sufficient indicator for me.

IF your interpretation/perception of their behavior is accurate.

For example, an individual in a paranoid state fully believes that (is convinced that) certain things are a certain way. To other more objective individuals, it is clear that the the paranoid individual is misinterpreting random events or the actions and reactions of other people around him.

 

[Jazzey]

Ok. I'm the first to admit to having been guilty of this kind of perception. When I posted I was relating more to 'consistent' behaviours from those around us. Behaviours that are repeated despite our speaking out on it.

Dr. Baxter, I'm not arguing with you - I see both sides of the coin. I just think that, at times, we're entitled to express our needs and, expect to have those who care for us, actually 'hear' what it is we're saying.

But again, I'm not sure we're disagreeing. At the end of the day, isn't it all about communicating with those we love? Expressing our needs?

And again, I don't know. While I may, at times, express myself with some kind of fortitude, I'm still figuring it out.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Actually, what I'm talking about here really has nothing at all to do with anyone else. It's all about challenging your own perceptions and interpretations and ensuring that there aren't alternate interpretations or reactions which might change how you were feeling initially. The other person in this equation is irrelevant - at least to this point.